This incorporates re-writes of Dream Riders and Kitchen Dreamer and another new piece- The Bee Keeper. It seems to be turning into a longer piece which has 'cameos' exploring the same theme and characters, but which are disconneted at the same time. I am experimenting and just thought that I would follow wherever my thoughts took me. As always, your advice has been very helpful and I would welcome more if you could be kind enough to have a look at it for me. Cheers Kathy
Dream Riders I galloped back down to my childhood today - cantering through the washing-up stained kitchen windows. Poney tail mained and sock sandaled hooves slapping on the playground paddocks as faster and faster we ride in a riot of snorting and whinnying. "Whoa there Starshine, slow down girl!" - my rider's voice tense with the effort of holding on to school dress belted reins. But rebellion takes hold and Starshine will not be placated as horse and rider gulp and swallow at the rush of blustery air. "Come on starshine, good horsey, I've got some sugar lumps..." And rearing to a halt, the chestnut mare, stroked and sugared, blinks and paws her right-footed hoof with pleasure in the playtime sun. Both horse and rider start at the sudden sound of thundering hooves galloping over the lunch-break hills. It is Midnight, the pure black stallion, bursting and glistening with life and rearing up in mock terror at this new encounter. Horses go wild as riders fight for control in a fury of "Whoa there" and "Down Boy" until, panting and blowing, Midnight is calmed. Then, with muzzles nuzzling and hooves stomping in unison, a new alliance forms. "It's my turn to be the horse now!" pipes one of the riders. "Yes, you've done long enough..." agrees the other, as fruitless in protestation, up into the saddle I climb and it's off into the wild fronteirs of my memory. One last jump and I'm back through to domesticity again - but untamed. "It's funny how I don't remember playing games about washing up!" I say to myself. Kitchen Dreamer The woman in the kitchen window stares, motionless, caught in soft focus through the washing-up steamed frame. A piece of time set aside from the main flow, as her view is through the mind's vision and does not witness the present moment. Hands hover in the warmth of suds and dishes stand patiently in queues, like travellers used to the waiting, as she rests again, still, in contemplation. If time were accessible to scrutiny, the woman's kitchen life could be sped up and re-wound, revealing patterns of thought and movement. Grooved paths appear, like the multi-coloured light-lines of car headlights in night-view postcards of big cities. Her grooved tracks, streaming in from the compass points of her world, all end here, under the kitchen window. A tangle of time grooves, bundled together in a Gordian knot of the strands of her life. Her body, willingly rooted deep down, past the foundations and the tree roots and the strata beneath the house; her mind raised up and searching the collective thought of people's hopes and dreams. And where has she gone today? At least she is still dreaming - Today's thought is of childhoodand as we peer with her through the steam covered glass, she travels to freer times and her poetical playground, where she gallops through her poneytailed playtimes... but we see only grass and hills. Dreamhood playmates greeted, her thoughts echo around the hills in the distance. 'All that those people see of me is middle-aged motherliness,' she yearns - 'why are so many of them asleep? All those hopes and dreams and lives lived, really do mean something - can't anyone see that I am flying? Does anyone know that an ordinary life can think thoughts like these? I wish that we could see each other's minds, at least we'd have something real to talk about. Can anybody hear me?' A saline drop enters the mass of warm water below, as, smiling now, she turns on the radio. "Silly cow! It's funny how I don't remember playing any games about washing up!" she says out loud. Outside the window, over the fields and the hedges, to the other side of the valley, the hills have heard her, but are silent. This is just a pinprick moment's image in the camera, a postcard view of a woman and a kitchen window - "a subject for a short story", that can only reveal a snapshot of the whole. Dream over, the woman returns to this 'now' and as she moves away from the glass, the lines of light spill out again in all directions from their knotted place under the kitchen window. The Beekeeper. Even from a distance you can hear the bees humming. The man tunes into their moods well, they are far easier to gauge than people. The bees speak to him and he seems to understand their meaning, but occassionally, he feels that they are trying to tell him something else...
Their incantation becomes more impassioned as he lifts off the temple roof and offers it up to the wider skies. Carefully, he blows small wafts of calm from the canister in his hand and calls the bees to their meditation. Now, keeper and queen pay homage, as the gifts of golden liquid are given up. A price well paid for sanctuary. The bees drift out of the hives in ones and twos and melt away towards the hills in the distance. Service over, he replaces the temple lid and takes out his notebook.
He lives his life by lists. Without them there would be too much freedom, too much time. In his notebook, there is comfort and time is divided into edible portions of slim-line bites; no wastage, nothing left over to throw away.
Lists for Today:
Dog walk
Call Roy
Tidy loft
Do tax
Order more excitement... add the bees.
The man looks up from his time ordering to check his watch.
"Mustn't waste any more time, time is precious, carpe diem, sieze it by the throat and ask it what time does it think it is...?"
"Tempus fugit" the bees hum in agreement.
His thoughts coil inwards from their outer easy sociability to their tighter inner core. Like springs in a clock, they tighten for an agonising moment, but as they near the outer edge of their length, relax again, leaving the man's surface layer with hardly a ripple.
He looks up for a second time and sees the woman in the kitchen window at the other end of the field. She is standing still and he knows that she is staring at the hills, dreaming.
"What's the point of all that?" he says and the bees try to tell him the answer but he can't hear it. "It is a waste of time" he says as he gets out his notebook again and adds:
'Find something more for her to do...'
to his list.
|
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 6th March 2007 | Kathy, my first impression of this is very positive -- I really like the way the three stories all form part of an intriguing picture -- a woman and a man who are both dreamers -- connected to each other but perhaps not completely connected to their lives.
I will come back to this again with a fresher, less teen-addled brain (we've had a good day, but even good teens can be a handful, as I am sure you know) and read it again. What an interesting idea this is. I cannot say that I think this is a short story -- I think that it is the beginning of a novel. But it is lovely work. | Yes.
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 6th March 2007 | Well done Kathy, particularly liked the washing up one. You're right, it is annoying to see women drifting off to fantasy land when they should be concentrating on their chores. You don't see 'em daydreaming when Enrique Double-Glazius is on telly!
Seriously though, well written pieces. Though a bit sombre and thought provoking for my personal tastes.
Best Rgds
Givitsum
| i think you've definitely got something
Written by kevinrobson73 (391 comments posted) 6th March 2007 | suggestion
remove the titles and run it as a stream of consciousness anchored to the mundane automatic task (describe in first paragraph for HOOK, many women and a lotta men will identify with it)
add a line or two from beatles song " i'm fixin a hole whre the rain comes in n stops my mind from wanderin,, where it will go etc
then you're on a winner
all the best with it | Hi Kathy
Written by jean.day (2366 comments posted) 7th March 2007 | | I liked this very much - and found the middle section more accessible than before. I particularly liked the bee keeper and hope you will tell us some more about him. |
Written by Lizzy (828 comments posted) 7th March 2007 | Hi Kathy
I like this and especially The Beekeeper. I get the impression that he is the pragmatic one whilst his wife is the dreamer. I like the reference to the hive as a temple. I would like to read more and could also see it extended to a longer piece. |
Written by Fledermaus (3492 comments posted) 7th March 2007 | My opinions on the first and second story haven't changed: I like the twist in the first one, but the second one is just not my taste.
The third one was very nice. Especially the Latin bees did it for me  | Blimey!!!
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 7th March 2007 | I am in a state of shock to see some stars above my work... where did they come from?
Thanks for all of the above comments. I am trying to decide what to do with this and so any criticisms are very welcome. There are some real crackers here...
Mary, thanks a lot and you may be right about a longer piece.
Givitsum, yes, just sorry for my very existance really! Miserable cow aren't I? Perhaps there should be a PMT rating above my work...anyway, off to rescue me mangles from the G-clamp, they're beginning to chafe! xx
Kevin, the only problem with your excellent suggestions is that I can't use your quotes etc., because they are your idea!! Damn. But I think that you may be right about linking them more directly.
Jean, thanks. Glad middle has improved... I think that expanding upon the Bee Keeper might be a good idea, humm........
Lizzy, glad you liked the temple bit because I was quite pleased with that! The Bee Keeper seems to get most people's vote so I must think more about that... haven't got a clue what to do at the moment though! I will get round to having a look at your stuff, not much free time, so it may be a while! Thanks for reviewing.
Hi Fledermaus. The 1st and 2nd have changed from their original form. I know that you are not keen on the second piece, not your cup of tea! Glad the third was ok though...
Thanks to Brian, for allowing me into his inner sanctum...only those who know what I mean will understand ...aren't we supposed to have a funny handshake?!!
Bestest wishes
Kathy | Bit bland.
Written by flook123 (35 comments posted) 7th March 2007 | Sorry to spoil the party but it didn't really do it for me, Kathy. Bit too much Terry and June for my liking. I prefer writing to be cutting edge dangerous- which is why I find gerardconnolly's work so compelling. It is not that there is anything wrong as such with what you write, its just doesn't seem to grab me at all. In truth I find it rather bland. But others obviously disagree.
Sorry. Lacked any sort of excitement or originality to appeal to me.
Lance. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3569 comments posted) 7th March 2007 | Commenting on the above review -I'm not sure how writing can be "dangerous" unless you are Salman Rushdie and "cutting edge" usually means lots of gratuitous swearing but chacon a son doohdah, eh.
So just drop in a few f**ks and insult the Muslims, job done.
I thought the pieces worked better as a triptich, they "flowed" into each other well.The picture you built up was subtle but beautifully drawn, my only criticism is the metaphor of the beehive as a temple, it didn't work with the rest of the piece.
But I found it a good read and it allowed me to use the word triptich -so thanks for that
J |
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 7th March 2007 | Actually BBS, how do people know what 'danger' lurks within this piece. The woman is dreaming of 'snorting', there are light trails in the kitchen and the man is having a conversation with a colony of bees... I was brought up in the sixties you know - sound like anything else is going on? Oh well, worth a try... perhaps I could turn them into killer bees!
I am glad to say that at approaching my half century, I have left my more excitable past behind...I would be a bit sad if I hadn't managed to do that by now!
Don't know what I can do about the temple reference as it is what holds the piece together, but I shall give it more thought.
Cheers
Kathy |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3569 comments posted) 7th March 2007 | Actually thinking about it I can see why you chose that metaphor of the temple. I think it must be me I see a hive as a place of productive industry and a temple is a monument to human self-delusion but if you just keep it to the visual I suppose it works fine. I guess you can't help bringing your own baggage to these reviews
J
|
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 7th March 2007 | Agreed re connotation of hive. The bees are hard workers and always busy, like the man...so they both like to be productive - perhaps the man is missing something though?
Temple because he is using smoke/incense to induce a drowziness, creating a soporific atmosphere condusive to meditation - hence temple. He is also intruding upon the queen/priestesses territory. He is as a God, providing them with shelter and they in turn are expected to give their offerings of honey... They are communicating and interacting with each other in a very intimate way.
Anyway, Jane, I wouldn't call you a baggage! Not to your face anyway...
Off to pepper me lallies.
K |
Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 7th March 2007 | Dangerous? Bloody hell - he might have been stung, and she might not have got the dishes done. Some people just don't read between the lines do they?
You know I like the first two pieces, particularly the second. Still full of admiration and jealousy for the light scene in the kitchen.
I thought the third worked well and liked the inside and outside well.
Not sure about this being part of something bigger - it works very well for me as it stands. Having said that, it doesn't mean it couldn't be used as the beginning of something more substantial.
Thanks for the read.
Phil. |
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 8th March 2007 | I see that I've been demoted this morning! Nice while it lasted!
Well done for picking up on the indoor/outdoor reference. I think that it mirrors their way of thinking...Not quite sure what to 'do' with it so I will probably leave this alone for a while and let it breathe.
Thanks for your supportive criticism of all of my work Phil, it is both helpful and challenging. Just what I need.
Off to torch my neighboours car!!
Kathy |
Written by anorwegianwood (278 comments posted) 23rd March 2007 | Kathy, I just discovered that I completely missed this piece! I'm so glad I found it now. It's beautifully written and the addition of the third part is a wonderful conclusion. I especially liked the temple metaphore. One of my favorite books is The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd, and the connection between bees and religion pleasantly reminded me of it.
Well done!
~Claire |
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 25th March 2007 | Thank-you Claire,
I haven't read the Sue Monk Kidd book that you mention but it sounds very tempting so I shall go and buy it!
Kathy |
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