edited last couplet
End and Beginning ( slightly revised )
Alabaster white she lies , her soft cries stilled ;
the sweat of love still trickles between her breasts ;
her heart no longer races ; now fulfilled ,
she langourously lies back . No flush attests
to any sort of shame ; her willing act ,
deliberate sacrifice of all her past ,
has brought her up against the simple fact
that now the die has finally been cast .
A single smear of blood upon a thigh ,
Some drops upon the rumpled linen sheet
prove that her girlhood has at last passed by ;
her journey to womanhood is near complete
Now from the heights of love she has descended
and here between girl and woman she lies suspended .
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Written by Phil (6393 comments posted) 6th March 2007 |
Like this very much Brian. I can't help thinking (so I'm probably wrong) that this was at least in part brought on by 'In the morning.' I wrote there, that I didn't find it particularly comfortable reading. Similar subject matter here, but entirely comfortable. Not to say the other poem is invalid, just very, very different. That first phrase pushes the reader back a little - alabaster white, like a statue - it removes the immediacy of the piece. Clever. I wonder what female female readers will make of this.
Technical bits:
I take it this is a sonnet. Do the last two lines always rhyme? Do the other twelve lines always have a rhyming pattern? Are they always in iambic pentameter? (I think this is.)
Sorry Brian, I know it's not your job to educate me - but every day's a school day.
I can't get white and red out of my head. Enjoyed very much.
Phil. |
no and yes
Written by patterjack (1069 comments posted) 6th March 2007 |
It follows my Out of the Winter sonnet . It has been with me for several days , while I got feminine reactions from female friends -- so far approbatory , a couple being even enthusiastic !
Sonnets take many forms ( google it ! ). I generally follow old Willy's example ( is there a better one ? ) where the last two lines of the sestet rhyme and the two previous quatrains have a rhyme pattern.
My iambic pentameters sometimes have other types of feet in them ( trochees , anapaests , dactyls ) as i usually think of them as conversational and actable ( an old drama man you see ! )
This also plays merry hell with the enjambement of lines and the caesuras or pauses in the lines .
All there on google mate -- more simply put and better explained
And thanks for your kind review !
patterjack |
unusual
Written by kevinrobson73 (371 comments posted) 6th March 2007 |
be interesting to know what inspired you
but technically it's very good delivery
could see it working better as being the middle with the before and after or an extended piece
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3141 comments posted) 6th March 2007 |
Well,your answer to Phil.confirms that I should limit my comments to the content. I really liked it,and thought it was a sensitve and touching piece. It was also very restrained. almost contempative. I couldn't engage with the last two lines, though.but that is probably just a personal thing.
I'll say more in the PM I owe you
cheers
jane |
To the old drama queen!
Written by Talisker (1300 comments posted) 7th March 2007 |
Nice sonnet luvie. Follows the strict Billy Wagadagger format:
ABABCDCD EFEF GG so, as you say - if it worked for him...
I love the poem, your female side showing its pretty head once again. But I'll be picky about your reply to Phil:
"My iambic pentameters sometimes have other feet in them" - if so, are they "iambic" pentameter at all?. May be.
Lovely stuff anyhow. |
Written by fellpony (1507 comments posted) 7th March 2007 |
| I too enjoyed this - though ... female response here Brian ... I think there's just one line that distances me - the penultimate one, not the last. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 7th March 2007 |
Beautiful poem, Brian; this reminds me of a pre-Raphaelite painting in that it really does describe a scene perfectly.
On a lighter note, I still say when they can clean the plug-hole in the shower, that's the real test of womanhood.
Okay -- I'll shut up. |
Written by fellpony (1507 comments posted) 8th March 2007 |
| I like the change you've made. |
Written by ainsel (40 comments posted) 8th March 2007 |
This is really very good, my dear. It has a sort of dreamlike quality which comes from the slow rhythmic pulse and which appears to fit in very well with the moment it describes. I think it has a very gentle, tender intimacy about it.
The alteration to the last two lines is good, as it reinforces the moment of stillness between two phases of life.
I'm sensing this is not a young girl; she seems emotionally and physically mature.
ainsel |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 11th March 2007 |
Clever title and a touching piece. The last couplet is miles better as it is now. I like it very much.
Elli |
Belated thanks
Written by patterjack (1069 comments posted) 15th March 2007 |
To all those who have reviewed .
I feel that this is a fulcrum in the sequence of sonnets -- and when I come back to it , it disturbs me somewhat . Why , I do not know .
patterjack |
Maidenhead!
Written by audrie (444 comments posted) 26th June 2007 |
| I agree with ainsel except that I got the impression of a very young girl and I guess there wouldn't be any emotion in the aftermath. |
Written by Diddi (80 comments posted) 10th March 2008 |
I like this very much. The pace was gentle and fitted your sonnet beautifully.
I apologise to you, you drew the short straw for my first review on my first day. When I get over my nerves I hope I can be more constructive.
Lis.
|
well-focused
Written by fortunato364 (21 comments posted) 14th March 2008 |
Nicely written. I think its strength lies in its simplicity. It could probably translate straight to a painted portrait. Now there's a thought......
Lovely brush work. |
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