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By Faerie_Queen
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07 March 2007 |
One of my more hopeful pieces
Turns away
Is deaf to your screams
When loneliness engulfs
Sucks you down
Into the stinking depths
When life strangles
Merciless and cold
Unforgiving in its judgement
When you feel the fight is lost
Eat this
Wrapped in its cage of gold
Glistening flesh
Slowly revealed in all its glory
Carefully remove each gorgeous segment
Cool against your lips
Feel the hope
Slide smoothly down your throat
Renewing your soul
I give to you
A Pink Orange! |
worthy of something better
Written by kevinrobson73 (371 comments posted) 6th March 2007 | i think your lead up was great
but a pink ornge wouldn't do it for me
don't know how other readers would feel
it'll be interesting to see your other reviews
what if .. it were some contrasting precious memory you unwrapped and then described it in the same poetic style as first part
feel free to tell me to butt out |
Written by Talisker (1300 comments posted) 7th March 2007 | Welcome to GW.
I didn't like the structure, subject matter and especially not the climax, which is just silly (to me).
When you've been here a while, you'll have had a belly full of teen angst too - that is if you decide to review as well as post.
Oli | More Teen Angst.
Written by flook123 (35 comments posted) 7th March 2007 | Yup. Have to agree. More teen angst. Give us all a break and give it a rest, is my advice. If not, as GC is fond of saying, Phone the Samaritans.
Lance |
Written by Phil (6383 comments posted) 7th March 2007 | Not for me. I think I must be missing something. A pink orange?
Phil |
Written by brook_rivers (484 comments posted) 8th March 2007 | Hi
Welcome to GW,
i liked the first 3 lines, hey show great potential but as kevin says the idea of a pink orange doesnt really seem to fit with it. You maybe need to expand upon the idea, give more explaination and background to the idea and decide on a form to carry throughout the poem instead of keep changing it. And i would scrap the last two lines, Duffy's already done them with is im guessing where you have got this idea from.
Dont worry too much about the teen angst comments, theres nothing wrong with that its fuelled many a literary talent, you just need to give it a bit more direction.
All the best
Brook |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 11th March 2007 | mmm well brook has a point in that everyone writes teenage angst type stuff at some point or another you should strive not to!
For me - first half of this is too angsty there is nothing literal or concrete for the reader to hook onto and relate to their own experience - it's all very abstract and doesn't tell us as readers anything that we havent heard a lot before.
For me the penultimate stanza is the strongest - some nice descriptive touches. If you could link that to an emotional content that people could relate to - by showing us a situation or image rather than telling us about loneliness you'd have a stronger piece.
Elli | Doggeral
Written by stevetroster (1398 comments posted) 13th March 2007 | Everyone has the write to express themselves, that is what this site is for. Your critics are oft unduly harsh.
'Perhaps they judge you with a fist,
And vigorous movement of the wrist.'
Is doggeral any clearer now? |
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