Great Writing - Home > Short S. > It's Just Murder
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1517 guests online and 3 members online
Shorts
It's Just Murder
By peeano1
07 March 2007
I think I blinked out all the bad words..i only added them due to the context and characters of the story btw..anyways, i hope that this isn't bad but constructive criticism would help...

The incandescent light flicked above on the cracked ceiling. A collage of trash cans hung on a broken nail. The stench of marijuana filled the room. Another piece of weed was tossed to the ground.

He counted his money in a dark corner. Stacks piled on top of each other on the wooden coffee table beside him. Time ticked by and soon he had all of the money counted. Exactly $1200. Just enough to buy more dough and ecstasy to satisfy.

“H***! This sh** won’t last for a month!” He muttered.

Pulling himself upright, Joseph paced around the room. He pondered on what he should do. After all those robberies, he couldn’t afford to do more. Security was getting packed everywhere. It was about time to move again.

“Sh**, sh**, sh**.”

In frustration, he grabbed his cloak and headed out. Manny was going to have to help him. Even though he was a pretty head-strong person, Joseph was still desperate. There was no way he was going to do this alone.

Arriving at the doorstep of a fairly large house, Joseph hesitantly walked towards the door. His palms poured out with sweat as he reached towards the knocker. Quickly, he shrank back a bit as footsteps were heard inside.

A small face appeared. Cold, icy eyes stared up at Joseph. He cringed a bit as Manny took in a careful observation of him. It seemed like he was being featured in an x-ray.

“Whadda doing here, Josie?” Manny’s voice was deliberately slow and hinted a bit of a French accent.

“Um..I need help.” Desperately, he looked side to side.

“Look at me, Josie.” Finally, Joseph focused his attention to Manny.

A lazy smile leisurely appeared on Manny’s face. “Come in and sit with me, Josie. We haven’t seen each other for a while.” The door was opened a bit widely and Joseph stepped in.

The vanilla aroma immediately hit Joseph. He inhaled slowly in and out. Luscious tables and chairs stood elaborately, facing the polished piano and window overlooking a large lake.

“So, I’ve heard that security around here has increased.” Joseph silently nodded.

“So, vat are you going to do, Josie? They’ll find you eventually. All those conniving robberies and you get away? I think not.”

“I know, sir.”

Manny grinned widely. “You don’t know anything how a professional vould handle this. I see that you still need more years of experience. Now what would we do now?”

“I don’t know”, Joseph replied quietly.

“You and your stupid ideas. You rob the money and spend it on marijuana and ecstasy? Surely, your little mind must think better than that. Think of the riches you could buy with all that money. If you had learned wisely, you could have a house like mine.” He opened his arms to signify his wealth.

Joseph observed silently. Manny was right.

“What do I do then?”

“Ah. I thought you were going to ask. I know a place where you can have everything just at the tips of your fingers. You can get away with anything.”

“Where?”

“Seaburn, Colorado. Doesn’t seem like the likely Hollywood place but trust me, it’s full of everything you vould vant in any modern time like this. The rich folks are too busy focusing on themselves to even give heck to keep track of their belongings. Just take a vatch and they’ll be thinking that they misplaced it somewhere and soon forget about it. I’ll book you a ticket but you have to promise me that vhatever you make will be 15% payment to me of the profit.”

“But Manny-”

“No but’s, Josie. You were the one who screwed up your life in the first place and now that I’ve given you a great idea, it’s time you pay back. Get moving, buddy pal. We have some business to do.”

“What a f***ing lie. This stupid s*** won’t get me anywhere with 15% going to Manny”, Joseph muttered to himself. However, the more he contemplated, the more he realized that he was forced to pay his dues to Manny. After all, Manny had the skills and would eventually hunt him down like a rabbit if he didn’t.

“Crap!” he screamed once he arrived home.

The trip to Seaborn wasn’t a very long one however to Joseph, it was like Hell. He tossed and turned in his seat while the plane took off. There was no concise direction in which he was taking. What happen he got caught? Breaking into rich homes was a very hard thing to do. Alarms were everywhere.

Manny promised to have his entourage send his weapons to him. Since he had his own jet, things came easier to him. All Joseph had to do was wait for the right time.

Housing arrangements were provided for Joseph. He was amazed at the decorated walls and stylish furniture. Slowly, he unpacked his scanty amount of items and started planning. Scanning the community, he guessed the population to be about 100 people or so. Houses were scattered about with a thickly populated amount of forest area. That would be easier to travel by night. He pictured himself running and dodging past trees with police dogs at his feet. Shuddering, he shook the thought away and tried to focus. But when would he start? That was a question he didn’t know for sure. But for now, he still needed to wait for his weapons before getting started. This was going to something he was sure was going to be one heck of a trip.

A few days passed and Joseph finally got the weapons he needed. They were the very best kind of weapons made. Joseph was hesitant about them. They looked too fragile for any rough hand to use. However, as he got more used to them, he decided that they weren’t too bad after all.

He decided that Tuesday night would be the best time to rob. Everything was in place. Beads of sweat poured down his face as he stepped out into the darkness of night. Figuring that driving by car would create some distractions, he decided to go by foot. Earlier, he had mapped out the forest lands of the target houses. If anyone spotted him, he would murder them cold-blooded. There was no need for him to get in trouble again. His plans were deep and thorough, including emergency exits and escapes. If he happened to kill anyone, the secrets of the forest would be the perfect place.

At last, he arrived at the first house. There was an outline of a woman seen behind one of the window blinds. He gulped and took a deep breath. It was time.

He pulled out a lever to open the door but found that it was of no need. The door was already unlocked. During the past days, he had learned that none of the citizens had security alarms in their homes for the community was said to be the safest in Colorado. Joseph grinned. This seemed to be easier than he had thought.

Inside, he spotted a couple of valuables lying around. Quickly, he stuffed a few items before heading upstairs. A voice was heard above. The woman was singing. Slowly, he crawled the stairs and entered a nearby room. He searched for any traces of money or anything was valuable. Carefully, he made sure that everything would seem in place. One after one, his bag became stuffier. But he still hadn’t found the jackpot.

Creeping in the hallway, he spotted the woman. She was alone, singing a tune to herself. It was right then when his eye caught something. A small box glittered in front of his eyes. From there, he could see an overflow of cash lying in it. A suitcase was placed alongside it.

Crawling on his knees, he crept towards the woman. Her back was facing him. In one move, he flew her chair from behind and grabbed her by the waist. Her reaction was slow and by the time she tried to scream, Joseph clogged her mouth with a towel. She wriggled violently but it was no use. In one twist of the neck, she was still. Joseph’s hand was still on her neck. Making sure that she was dead, he slapped her face and kept on twisting her neck more and more. Once he was satisfied, he stuffed the box into his bag and carried the woman’s body.

Outside, he went deep into the forest and thrust her body into a hole he had dug earlier in a cave. Quickly, he covered a pile of dirt on top of her and left.

After the first night, he was thrilled. His plan had worked after all and no traces were left behind from the incident. His gloved hands made sure that there were no fingerprints left on the objects.

The second night, he headed up north in the woods. This time, he ventured into a larger house where an old couple lived. They didn’t lock their doors either and no alarms were set.

By the time he arrived, the couple was already in bed. Grinning mischievously, Joseph pulled out a club and struck them mercilessly. He silently laughed at each time the bodies bounced upon the bed. Bruises were seen everywhere on the couple. He grabbed their necks and gave a violent twist.

Loading up the belongings in his backpack, he carried the bodies out in sacks. When he later arrived at another cave deep in the woods, he opened each sack and had the pleasure of stabbing each body. Blood seeped out of the bodies as he buried each one in the holes he dug.

By now, Joseph enjoyed the sake of killing. To him, it was like a sport, something he felt he could get away with. The excitement and rushing adrenaline kept him going. In a course of a month, he had robbed 8 of the houses and murdered 15. Many news reports rose but none could discover its killer. All day, he would laugh at the people’s foolishness. They would never know who did it.

His time was about up in Seaborn. In a matter of time, he would return home and give 15% of his profit to Manny.

That day, he received a call from Manny. He was to leave around 5 in the morning on Thursday. That was only 2 days away. Manny’s private jet would pick him up.

Packing all of the valuables, he carefully hid them in secret pockets he made in the luggage.

On Thursday, he boarded Manny’s plane. Manny greeted him like an old friend.

“So, how was your trip, Josie?”

“It was a heck of a time.”

Manny grinned.

“Upon my 15% part of the profit, I have changed my mind.”

Reviews

Written by Fledermaus (3301 comments posted) 7th March 2007
Hm... This isn't one of your best pieces. Sorry.  
It's well written, like all your pieces, but it lacks the atmosphere and original plot that you usually have. I supose I expected a more surprising twist. Not that it's a bad story, but I know that peenao1 can do much better. 
 
One thing: 
"No but’s, Josie" 
The apostrophe shouldn't be there, though indeed 'buts' is ambiguous here ;)

Written by Harrywilo (11 comments posted) 9th March 2007
I agree with fledermaus in most respects. I quite liked the story, but i expected more from the ending. I almost feel like it could be stretched out a bit too - it seems slightly rushed...However, if your other writing is apparently better, i will check it out!

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item