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Shorts
Needs Must
By kevinrobson73
07 March 2007
has an adult theme -those who may be offended i apologise but you have been warned

Needs Must (when the Devil drives)
 
 
I had just finished fixing the elevator by the time she came out of the hotel
 
 
She was making a show of drying her mountain of glossy black hair on two large blue towels and she was cursing
 
 
“Diz you do this?”
 
 
“Diz you do that?”   fucking moron, why can’t he speak properly?”
 
 
“Perhaps because he’s Polish” I ventured as I studiously packed away my tools in their individual earmarked slots in the roll up of oilcloth that was my toolbox
 
In truth, me fixing the lift had been no more than me having to press the “reset” button in the elevator cupboard but I wasn’t going to let anybody know that
 
My time sheet and materials cost were already clear in my mind for my invoice
 
“Where to?” I said as I opened the passenger door on the expensive sports car that I intended to own one day, provided I could clear the three payments I had missed and keep avoiding the repossession men who thought they had more right to it than I did
 
I stowed the oilcloth in it’s holdall in the boot before sliding into the drivers seat
 
God, I loved this car
 
The woman, I could take or leave
 
She’d discarded the towels in a heap beside my seat
 
“So do you know where you want to go?” I folded the towels in my lap and stewed
 
I was impatient, I’d been up since five
 
My belly was growling, no food for nine hours
 
“Oh, just drive around, I’ll think of somewhere”
 
 “So, can you speak Polish?” I asked her as I negotiated the car down the winding road that leads to the beach
 
The hotel that we had come from, the Excelsior, showed smaller in the rear view mirror, sat like an expensive sweet confection on a snow covered mossy mountain top
 
“What’s that got to do with anything?” she petulantly flipped the top of her jewelled cigarette box, broke out one of the black cigarillos, that I disliked so much, and lit it in her glossed lips from a tiny dunhill lighter
 
“Well, you’re slating him for not speaking our language properly, you couldn’t put two words together in his, could you?”
 
She threw her head back and blew out a plume of purple acrid smoke in my direction
 
“You’re still angry with me about yesterday !”
 
“Of course I am”
 
“Well, don’t be, learn to live with it” she laughed
 
 I reached across and tried to pull the cigarillo from her hand
 
She resisted and sparks of tobacco filled the air as I grabbed at her smoke,
With one hand still on the wheel and my eyes on the treacherous road I wrestled and won, more sparks fell but I got hold of,  and then  threw the offending article behind me over the car’s rolled up soft tonneau
 
It was her turn to sulk
 
She’d perfected sulking
 
Her shoulders hunched into the seat away from me as she made herself as small as she could
 
“It’s for your own good, you know those things’ll kill you”
 
“You do that again, I’ll fucking kill you”
 
It was some minutes before she ran her hands through her hair and then re-applied her make up
 
I noticed that there were little pin holes from the dots of tobacco in the polyester of my trousers
 
I didn’t dare look to see if the white leather interior had also suffered
 
Feeling the seat around me there seemed to be no damage
 
I crossed my fingers for luck
 
 
With her make up armour back on she resumed
 
“Oliver’s, we’ll go to Olivers” she commanded
 
“But that’s back up the hill, why didn’t you say that when we were passing his turn-off  twenty minutes ago”
 
Ignoring my rebuke she continued “We need to get him a peace offering, I can’t just turn up empty handed”
 
How about a couple of soggy towels” I asked reaching across and dumping them  in her lap
 
“It is about yesterday, isn’t it?”
 
“Yes” I replied “and all the other yesterdays”
 
“Well, if you don’t like what I do for a living, you don’t have to put up with me, there are plenty of others willing to take your place”
 
With the burst of adrenaline that I should have used to punch her, I used instead to handbrake turn the car, overtake a dawdling Sunday motorist before switching back to my side of the road as I approached the hairpin bend that would take us back up the mountainside
 
Gratifying that her lips had whitened as she contemplated her future, or lack of it, I continued to throw the responsive steering so that she was jerked in her seat
 
“Olivers, it is then” I said through gritted teeth
 
We arrived at Olivers in less than seven minutes
 
“I haven’t got a gift” she reproached as she levered herself out of the body hugging seat
 
“Well, you’ll have to think of something fast, here he is - and he does not look happy”

Reviews

Written by Phil (6645 comments posted) 7th March 2007
Sorry Kev, don't follow. Is this part of a bigger piece? I hope so, because as it stands all it does is suggest questions.  
 
The opening scene is a little confusing - why is he meeting her then and there etc. Some pretty careless punctuation throughout too. Needs a good edit. 
 
Phil.

Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 7th March 2007
As with Phil, I'm a bit lost here too. I'm not too fussy about punctuation as I"m crap at that myself, but I just can't see where it's headed, unless there's a part 2 in the pipeline?? 
 
Rgds 
 
G.

Written by brook_rivers (484 comments posted) 8th March 2007
I have to agree without a second part it seems quite pointless and disjointed.  
 
As Phil says take a look at the punctuation, and also your sentence structure, some of the sentence where way too long. It helps to read aloud your work to see if you can relaistically say: 
 
'said as I opened the passenger door on the expensive sports car that I intended to own one day, provided I could clear the three payments I had missed and keep avoiding the repossession men who thought they had more right to it than I did' 
 
all in on breath!! 
 
Brook 
 
thanks folks
Written by kevinrobson73 (371 comments posted) 8th March 2007
thanks for comments  
all spot on 
sorry 
i meant to put it only in extended work 
so will delete this entry 
there is a part 2, 3 etc coming

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3298 comments posted) 8th March 2007
What's there is fine. I like the mix of dialogue and narrative and I got a feel for the characters but the beginning was too confusing and it took me awhile to settle,even on second reading it's still a puzzle. It did keep me reading,though which is the main thing but you just sort of stopped...... 

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