Great Writing - Home > Short S. > Hortensia's Routine
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1652 guests online and 5 members online
Shorts
Hortensia's Routine
By bwoz
08 March 2007
A follow on to "Last Chance Cafe".  It takes place in the same cafe, Sarah being a repeat character.

I tried to write as if with an accent -- pardon the goat.

BW

At 5:30 every morning Hortensia Pisconsit drove her beat up old Dodge pickup two miles to the Doby Mercantile and Exchange to throw out the daily stack of newspapers the drug store would sell.  And every morning, as soon as she threw the stack of papers off at the doorway, she parked across the street and walked half a block to the Last Chance Café, where she would sit at the counter next to the donut case and order coffee and toast.  After two cups of coffee, two pieces of toast, and two cigarettes, Hortensia would walk half a block back to the drug store, now open at 6:00 a.m., cut the paper bundle open and set the newspapers in two racks, one next to the cash register and the other at the end of the breakfast counter.    

Two weeks before Halloween, after following the same routine, Hortensia sat at the Last Chance sipping her coffee and smoking a Pall Mall Gold.  Sarah asked her how her husband, Vernon, was doing – knowing dat he had just recovered from a broken foot.

“Oh, hell kiddo,” Hortensia exhaled, “he jess don’t really ever complain, dat man I got”.  Her broken Slavik/English accent reminded Sarah of a jack-in-the-box, never quite knowing what would pop out.  “He been jess wurkin’ as hart as if he never boke his foot.  I gotta handle it to him, dat man I got.”  She smiled through a cloud of cigarette smoke.

Sarah topped off both coffees and asked, “How did he hurt his foot, anyway, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Oh no,” Hortensia laughed, “I luf to tell it, dis story.  He makes me so mat all de times, I can tell you dis think, and we can laugh right back on him, dat’ll show dat man.  Anyway, he got me real mat one morning, because he tells me I’m late for my papers, and he yells at me to ‘Quit yer lolly gagging and git dem papers in de truck’.  And it makes me mat as hell, kiddo, ‘cause I don’t know this Lolly, whoever she is.  And I yell at him, ‘Who the hell is Lolly, she got a truck too?’  And dat stupit man I got laughs right at me, and laughs ‘til he gets tears, and I don’t know why.   So, now he is almostly choked from it all, and he says, ‘There ain’t no Lolly, I mean lolly gagging, like wasting time, dat’s what I mean.’  And I get mat as hell, ever more now, you see.  I yell back on him dat, ‘I don’t gag lollies, you stupit man, what matters with you, I never gagged nothing, ever, you nasty man.’  Cause I vas tinking he makes fun of me, you see. 

“So, then I go out vit my papers, because he is right, I am late dis morning.  And later dat same night, I am still mat as hell, kiddo, and I’m gonna tell him, too.  I never have gagged lollies, or nothing like dat.  But he goes to de Vee Eff dubbleYew all night to play pool and drink beers vit those dampt old army guys.  And I don’t mind dat so much, he only goes there sometimes, but on dis night I mind more because I’m still mat as hell, and gonna tell him ‘bout it.  But I haf ta wait for de morning to yell at him, because I’m too tired to wait up all de night. 

“But the next morning he is on the couch and all overhung, and he can’t even open his eyes.  And when I start to yell at him for gagging lollies, he has forgot about dat and holds his ears because of his overhang, so I quit yelling because I can’t enjoy it enough if I can’t make him mat as hell too.  Then he crawls to the bathroom to be sick all morning, and now I got two tings to yell at him for.” 

Sarah filled plastic drink cups with ice water while she listened to Hortensia’s story.  “So, how did he break his foot?”  She asked as Hortensia lit another Pall Mall Gold. 

Hortensia shook the flame from a match, “Oh yeah, dat I almostly forgot.  He went to the Junior High School dat night to play basketball vit those same army guys, and the big fat one stepped on Vernon’s foot and boke it. 

“So are you still mad at him?” Sarah asked.

Hortensia stood up and crushed her cigarette out.  “No, I can’t never stay mat and dat man I got, kiddo.  The next day he put new seats in dat old truck of mine, even vit dat foot so bad.  I can’t be mat at dat, no way.  But he never since then told me I am gagging lollies, and he never has got overhung since dat day, neither.  But next time he does, I will still yell at him, for something by then, I’m sure.”

Reviews

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3352 comments posted) 8th March 2007
You've set up a great situation here for introducing a lot of wild characters. A cafe is the perfect set-up. And we all know no-one messes with Sarah. 
You could almost re- write this as a scripted piece [put in some slide guitar by Ry Cooder and get Vim Venders to direct] It might have been better if you had broken up Hortensia's dialogue with some sparky comments by Sarah. I think it would have read better. Big chunks of accented dialougue can be a bit of a struggle. Or you could have broken it up with some description [or better still some atmospheric guitar From Ry] 
It would have had a bit more life with more verbal interplay between them 
Good work, though 
J

Written by Leigh (226 comments posted) 8th March 2007
Have to admit I struggled with the dialogue - IMHO it would be an easier read if you just put odd words in dialogue to give a flavour of a non-English speaker. 
 
Quibble aside, I like the idea of you setting a series of pieces in a cafe amongst the eccentric characters that eat there, and Hortensia seems like another interesting protagonist to read about. 
 
BTW, I love the name Hortensia Pisconsit!

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 8th March 2007
Once again, I hate to agree with the others, but I do. I wanted Sarah to sneak a couple of peeks at her watch (I know I would have done) and maybe interrupt Hortensia a few times when she had to pour someone's coffee or serve his eggs onto his lap.  
 
But yes -- Ry Cooder with this, definitely.

Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 8th March 2007
You write very well Bwoz. I'm beginning to look forward to your posts. I really enjoyed this. I do think a little narrative and some comments from Sarah would have improved this, but nonetheless - a really good read. As BBS says, you've set up the ideal situation to write short cameos like ths. Look forward to more. 
Phil.

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item