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Poetry


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She's Pretty When She Dances

By rilLie

08 March 2007

did this for a quick poem with a bud. ^_^ we were looking for pictures online and we wrote poems for them. My pic was http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/42103329/ just sort of tweaked it a bit. Sort of done in a hurry so... my first try on a romantic poem.. XP

a/n: attack as you please. ^_^

She's pretty when she dances,
...well actually all the time,
I admire the way her eyes twinkle,
and the dimples in her smile.

Her eyes are dark brown orbs,
and her hair is black like silk,
Her cheeks are pink of healthy glow
and her skin as white as milk.

She passes by unknowing that
I stand looking at this goddess.
I've an open mouth; she has grace,
beauty, poise, all flawless.

I don't mind that she doesn't know about me,
but I know this much is true.
I love the way she is, and was,
Baby, I love you.

Reviews

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3298 comments posted) 8th March 2007

If you did this with a Bud; is that a friend or a beer?
I read the first two lines and thought 'I'm going to like this' but then it turned into a run of the mill romantic poem. This sort of thing has been done so many times you need a different take on the subject , quirky,funny,ironic or whimsical,some new way of saying it.
Maybe take the first two lines and try again.without the bud/beer
cheers
J

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 11th March 2007

Yep - I too liked the first line very much - maybe a different poem trying to come out there. you've got to be very carfeul to avoid cliche working on this kind of theme.

Elli

ps. I'm guessing a bud is a mate right? Hope it wasn't beer inspired lol

Written by rilLie (327 comments posted) 11th March 2007

okie dokie. ^_^

thanks for the comments, guys. and i'm working on re-writing this.

And I don't drink..XP I'm only 12. lol. ((But I will be thirteen in April... *hint hint hint..*))

rai.

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