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Written by fellpony
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09 March 2007 |
Trees, gale-stiffened, bear early sun, demanding green spring from their grey trunks. |
Well done Fellpony
Written by Josie (2496 comments posted) 9th March 2007 | | I'm not a great enthusiast of haiku, but I'd say you've done a very good job of it here. You'll need Patterjack to pass an opinion - he is an expert. As far as I can see you have 5 syllables, 7 syllables and then 5 again in a world of nature. Very neat! My compliments to you. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3136 comments posted) 9th March 2007 | So it's 5-7-5, now I know what a haiku is. [it's not the Irish football team formation after all]
You've encapsulated a wonderful image of nature here so succintly. It might lack Wordsworth's lyrical touch but then he lacks your brevity
Nice one
J
| haiku not haka, BBS
Written by fellpony (1507 comments posted) 9th March 2007 | you're thinking of that vigorous male war dance the All Blacks do to frighten the lily white opposition.  |
Written by Phil (6388 comments posted) 9th March 2007 | Yep, nice snapshop, but I also liked the use of 'bear' and 'spring.'
Phil. |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 11th March 2007 | I loved 'gale'stiffened' really strong image. Struggled with 'bear' a little and - you're going to hate me for this - but 'grey trunks' left me thinking about elephants! I guess that's the problem with haikus - with so few words someone is always going to pick up on an odd resonance and go off on their own tangent!
I liked this as a snapshot though.
Elli | grey trunks
Written by fellpony (1507 comments posted) 12th March 2007 | were originally green trunks - because the sunlight lit up the algae on the bark. But that turned out too scientific an image to convey in 17 syllables [I]and {//I] to convey that the trees were being "told" by the sun to produce green leaves.  |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 12th March 2007 | spring from crusted trunks ? or some other adjective implying covering rather than colour perhaps? Dunno, it's a dilemma trying to cram things into a haiku lol
E |
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