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| Silver Moon | |
| By TurboWolffe | ||||||||||
| 10 March 2007 | ||||||||||
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My story is about an eternal battle between werewolves and vampires that is set in medieval times, when Vlad the Impaler was living and well. This tale is about an important battle that destroyed Vlad, and kept a temporary peace between the clans.
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| Reviews |
| Silver Moon Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 10th March 2007 |
| Hello T.W. Like yourshelf I am a freshman (I joined on the 9th) and I am making a point of critiquing over peoples work in the hope that they will return the favor (favour) with my work THE HARLEQUIN. I will offer some friendly critisism (as I appreciate that we are all new to this game) in the hope that this will help you should you wish to polish your work. It is always difficult to decide how much information to release and when to release it (after all, you already know the story) but when you do release information it is important to ensure that it is relevant and accurate. Lets start on a positive note; two of my favourite films of recent years are UNDERWORLD & VAN HELSING, so the idea of taking the UnderWorld war back to its roots is quite a good one. However, if you are to do this succesfully you will need to get some basic facts right, so it's always a good idea to do some research on your central characters before you start to write about them. From a very quick internet search I was able to glean the following information. Vlad Tepes (The Impaler) 1431 - 1476. Prince of Wallachia, a principality in Romania. Reigned on three seperate occasions (1448 1456-1462 & 1476) Dracula (although it's not spelt that way) is a Turkish variant of his name. So lets look at your opening passage. The great,(why is it great?) silvery moon rose above the treetops in Turkey(not only is it the wrong country, but using a country makes the statement too impersonal), and the villagers (we have now gone from an entire country to a village, yet the village has no name, which is again impersonal) locked their doors quietly, not wanting to wake children that were sleeping (I think that we could take it as read that the parents would not go clattering around the house if the kids are asleep) behind the large bolts of iron attached to the doors (where else would they be?). It was around the 15th century (that's too vague, pick a year), and Vlad the Impaler, or Dracula (only if you're Turkish), was ruler of the land (Turkey? no he wasn't). * I'm not saying that this is any better than your version, but here is my take on the same intro. * As the children slept peacefully in their beds the keys were turned in iron locks. It is not a good night to be out on the streets as the moon is full and sits high the sky; a portent of doom for the good people of Wallachia. The night creatures are at war, a vicious war of genocide that has raged for many a long year, a war which the vampires are losing. To the gentle folk of Wallachia he is known as Vlad the Impaler, a merciless tyrant who rules with a fist of iron, and a merciless tyrant who feasts on human flesh. It is 1458, and within the dark walls of his castle Prince Vlad Tepes and his vampire hoard make their plans to strike back against the wolfpacks. Etc. NOW PLEASE GO AND CRITICISE MY WORK. Best Wishes Estee. |
Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 12th March 2007 |
| Dear TW, Welcome. This reads very similar to a film plot. I think it was the beginning of Underworld 2 (very few films with a numeral in the title are worth seeing). There's also a touch of NightWatch too. You need to put something original into the plot, maybe a twist at the end. Something that grabs the reader and makes them want to read it through to the end. This story read as incomplete. It seems you are setting up a longer story, but you just leave it hanging. Are you writing the follow on to this? I hope so. All the best. |
| TW Speaking Written by TurboWolffe (98 comments posted) 29th May 2007 |
Snodlander and stevetroster- Thanks for you reviews, but, despite what you've said about the story being similar to films, I have actually never seen Underworld(2) or Nightwatch. I have seen Van Helsing, and i hold that movie as the greatest in the whole world. This story plot was entirely out of my head, and I promise to do some more research. I also promise to try and not leave off so sharply. I was up late when i was writing, and my mom sent me to bed. I really appreciate you're crits guys! Oh, i'll be a freshman '07-'08. |
Written by KaydieKate (63 comments posted) 23rd June 2008 |
| Allo! It does seem a bit like Underworld. And just because you haven't seen the movie, doesn't mean the idea isn't already taken [I have a problem like that with one of my favorite characters...it seems someone like her is already written!] Anyway, though I personally love werewolves, I would give the vamps a little more credit, don't you think? If all vampires didn't notice when a werewolf growled, or couldn't smell one close enough to grab one of their fellows, how did they keep up a war lasting centuries? Wouldn't they be swamped if they were all as unobservant as the first three are? Make the two more evenly matched, if you want to make it more interesting and plausible. And perhaps vampires shouldn't "howl" with pain, unless you are trying to be ironic. Also, try to keep capitalization and grammar throughout. Please do not use ALL CAPS LETTERS TO GET YOUR POINT ACROSS. You have some lowercase "i's" and sometimes you capitalize Vampire and Werewolf, and sometimes you do not. Since this is a subject most of us know, you can do away with the introduction. No matter how evil your character is, he has to be like-able. I have always found the topic interesting, but you need to give your furry friend more depth, or he just comes off as a brute. I would be hard pressed to choose between a brutish werewolf and a sissy vampire. Probably neither, I'd say. I must tell you: I am picky, and these are very anal points. But I think they would make your writing better. Just because the comment is full of...critiques, that doesn't mean I don't like it. Just want to make that clear. I do want to read more! Also, since you are using first person POV, get some inner dialogs going! Since we're riding front seat through the eye's of this character, we need to know more about him/her/it. His/Her/It's motivations, feelings, doubts.... Good luck! I shall see if you put up more. |
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