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By tat_2man
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10 March 2007 |
I know this is not very good but it just felt right. I grew up with a friend Travis who was an outsider like me. Travis died on a lonely stretch of road when he rolled his pickup. He had the record blood alcohol level in the state of Wyoming.
We were young.
We thought we would live forever. Now I have a family.
Now I remember our days of summer. In my mind you are still 16 and fearless.
In the past my mind wanders. You just never seemed to grow up.
You finally pushed your luck too far. Could I have stopped your downward spiral?
Could anyone have stopped you? If I had stayed would have I been beside you for your last thrill ride?
If…..is all I have now. Goodbye Travis.
Goodbye blood brother. |
Been there
Written by bwoz (125 comments posted) 9th March 2007 | I think you should keep working on this. It is difficult when you are so close to the situation because what you want to write is "your" feelings and describe "your" pain.
the reader doesn't really care -- until you can somehow tap into the readers' collective feelings and pain. That is where carefull word choice comes in -- word choice is critical in poetry.
You have many plane words -- perfectly good words, but still very common and plan. Those words do not strike a nerve with anyone.
Example:
"We were young.
We thought we would live forever."
Of course -- that is the reality, but that is also very cliche and common. If you can somehow convey that exact same thought using more definitive and parallel words -- get a little bit abstract but not "too" abstract.
"We were pubescent and hormonally crazed" would be another way to say young -- but very weird and too comical for a poem like this, but it illustrates what I am trying to relate.
Example 2:
"In my mind you are still 16 and fearless.
In the past my mind wanders."
Again, a little too comfortable -- reader doesn't care what is in your mind, so you must write whats in your mind and in your heart even more.
something like
"My mind wanders back to 16
And your fearless dreams"
again, pretty abstract, maybe a bit much, over the top. Maybe it works, hard to say until it is layed with other abstracts that take the reader away to a familiar place -- something they can relate to as "their" place, what they have seen and experienced.
I say keep working on it, over time, someday it will state what you really have inside you about this situation but can't state because you are too close to it still. the more things you write about that time -- poems, stories, essays, haiku, it will all come together someday in the future and you will find the words that really say what you feel.
Good job
BW
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Written by tat_2man (56 comments posted) 9th March 2007 | Thanks for the advice BW  |
Written by Phil (6383 comments posted) 10th March 2007 | I say work on too, but give it time. Leave it to settle. Writing about something so close to you is difficult. Let the silt settle witrh this one and then return to it fresh. It has the potential to be a powerful piece. In general terms, Bwoz has given good advice.
The poem does succeed in telling the story of you now, him then and you both together. All it needs is to draw the reader into the emotion.
Phil. |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 11th March 2007 | There's some unecessary bits you could cut out of this for starters eg
'we' in the second line
'now' in the fourth
possibly the whole of 'in the past my mind wonders'
'you' in the eighth
I would lose the questions and rephrase the ideas as statements or images
and lose the second 'goodbye'
Just suggestions as to how Id rewrite if it was my piece. The ides being that by tightening it up - especially the repetition you automatically make the piece more powerful. But it's your piece, you've got to make those choices.
And then, as Phil says, sit on it for a while and see what comes up.
Elli
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Written by tat_2man (56 comments posted) 11th March 2007 | Thank you Phil and Elli for your advice. I am much better at short stories then poetry so I am trying to brush up a little.  |
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