an answer to Josie's challenge in "Angel Lady".
NOT strictly either Petrarchan or Shakespearean sonnet form: rhyme scheme abc abc adc adc ee.
Will have to think about a "proper" sonnet as well!
You! I trusted you. Yes, I believed
the things you said. I was all innocence.
I know - I laughed with you at all your sly
tongue-in-cheek banter; when it was relieved
by small things coming down to common sense
it was all right. In blind faith I stood by
an offer I'd accepted. I believed
the chance that you called genuine was real.
You let me keep illusions, so that I
lived happily a week, till undeceived
this afternoon. It isn't hate I feel
but bitter loneliness. You told a lie.
You hid your heart, concealed it with a cloak
of smiles. And all the time it was a joke.
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I will
Written by patterjack (1328 comments posted) 10th March 2007 |
email about this one a.s.a.p.
Flat out at the moment
patterjack |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 11th March 2007 |
I liked the content of this very much indeed. I had a vague feeling that it would have like to have been something other than a sonnet but that's by the by. Both skillful and interesting. I liked it though I've now got 'the devil came down to georgia' running around my head and no doubt it will be with me for the rest of the day!
Elli |
Written by Phil (6845 comments posted) 11th March 2007 |
I liked this very much. It flows well and the tone and content work really well together.
Not a criticism because I don't really care - I enjoyed the poem - you infer in the intro that this is not a proper sonnet. Is this because it doesn't have the formality of one? When I was reading this, it read almost like free verse - very unobtrusive rhyme, informal line breaks, easy rhythm. As I say, not a crit: for my own education!
Good stuff.
Phil. |
strictly
Written by fellpony (1659 comments posted) 11th March 2007 |
oh no, not that word - so devalued by Strictly Come Dancing etc on TV - the ideal sonnet should develop its arguments in an 8-6 line pattern, or in 4-4-4-2.
This one has a non-sonnet scheme in that the rhyme pattern is 3-3-3-3-2 and this poem weaves the thoughts all together more than a sonnet normally would. Only the last couplet is a match for the Shakespearean sonnet form.
Originally it was just called Deception. I only added "Devil's" to show it was a response to Josie's challenge in "Angel Lady".
PS written 37 years ago; seems it's standing up all right eh. |
Written by Phil (6845 comments posted) 11th March 2007 |
| Crikey, only two years younger than me - and standing up well too - the poem, not me. |
Good
Written by Josie (2825 comments posted) 11th March 2007 |
I can now appreciate all the work you have put in. You have to try it to appreciate it don't you.
I see that you have also done this with the 5 beats per line. I looked at several sonnets and noticed that they had done this - aspecially the Bard's:
"From you/ have I /been absent/ in the /spring..." (Sonnet 9
"My mistress'/ eyes/ are nothing/ like the/ sun" (Sonnet 130)
"Not marble/ nor the /guilded /monu/ments" (Sonnet 55)
"Shall I /compare thee/ to / summer's/ day?" (Sonnet 1
I hope I have counted correctly.
I say "well-done" because "I've been there and done it" but with great difficulty. I prefer my second version - but, there again, that's me! ha ha - and I know what I find is easiest for me to write.
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