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Canada - Opening Paragraph |
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By foxmulder
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12 March 2007 |
Started to write about my experiences during a summer in Canada (2003) and the characters I met over there. Just the opening paragraph. “Canada”
By "Fox Mulder"
Such an alien world was Canada to me when I spent a summer there five years ago! A different life it was; I now feel as though I was never there at all but instead watched it unfold from above, as if through the eyes of a seagull, looking down on someone else having those experiences, someone else meeting those people. But it wasn’t someone else and I now feel compelled to record it all down whilst the memories are still vivid in the mind. And how vivid they still are! True, it was not so long ago but I can remember even the tiniest, insignificant details: the mad blue eyes of the hobo who wanted my money, the song that played in my headphones as I gazed at the Northern Lights on a warm night, the expletive I cursed the policeman who forced me to pour my alcohol into the sand of the beach. And the people too – no, not people, for that implies normality – the characters! Bizarre, wonderful, mysterious, exotic characters the likes of which you only meet in films. But you don’t only meet them in films, as I discovered, they really do exist, over there. Thinking back, it’s obvious in hindsight that we all bonded over a shared loneliness, by being strangers in a strange situation, much like how children make friends on their first day at school. I was travelling alone and they were either travelling alone too or were running away from something or were outcasts. But none of this mattered during those weeks in Canada, our backgrounds became irrelevant and I never once thought it necessary to ask why, for example, one lived out of his car or why another was drifting around or why another became nervous at the sight of police. And now here I sit, back at home in England, far removed from that summer, never to know what became of Mongo the Fat Man or Paul the Fugitive or Nathan the Runaway or Gaz the Traveller or Nick the Schizophrenic or the lovely Rachel. And that feels right, for like our favourite characters in books and films, this way they are timeless, precious. And to do justice to that summer, and all that it included, that’s the way they should be. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3569 comments posted) 12th March 2007 | I thought this was a lively and enjoyable opening. You have a engaging style and the piece has it's own "voice"
Like all good travel writers you are beguiled and a bit overawed by the place and can express it clearly and with affection. It bodes well for the rest
cheers
J |
Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 15th March 2007 | This read really well, although it had a very old fashioned style to begin. This wore off a little as you worked through the paragraph towards the end. You might want to compare beginning and end for consisency of tone. (I prefered the tone you finished with.) You certainly did put across an awe and wonder for the place and offered a few teasers to keep us interested.
Enjoyed.
Phil. |
Written by Snodlander (507 comments posted) 18th March 2007 | I agree with Phil about the style. The first two sentences in particular sounded a little like Yoda:
'Such an alien world was Canada' 'A different life it was'
Personally, I would split this over several paragraphs. Big paras put people off.
'the expletive I cursed the policeman' doesn't sound quite right either. 'the expletive with which I cursed the policeman' might be better.
That aside, this hooked me, and I'd love to hear the rest. |
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