Dual meaning to the title I fear - rather more than you might expect. A Shakespearean English form, developed from the original Italian one of Petrarch.
First line rearranged (13 March) to exclude a perceived ambiguity.
Her body does not chain her any more.
No babies crave the warm milk of her breast,
trouble her daily round, or nightly rest;
no crimson visitor knocks at her door.
She who was an oasis of content
for children who are grown and far away
watches the desert sand silt silver grey
over the source of fountains that are spent.
Wisdom sits in her unruffled mind.
A steady love that youth could not attain
consoles her for the decades that remain.
All her uncertainties are left behind.
Now that her patient nesting is all done
Maybe the best of her is yet to come.
|
Written by Phil (6383 comments posted) 12th March 2007 |
Maybe, let's hope so. Starting a new stage in life is never easy. To look forward to it takes a certain amount of courage.
Educate me:
Traditional English sonnet, iambic pentameter?
I was very aware of my maleness as read this, so I don't know how valid my comments will be.
As a whole, I really liked it. I thought it delivered many ideas on many levels. The first stanza was excellent and set the scene for the rest of the piece to follow.
Important last couplet, that you, or anyone else is not defined by being a mother.
I think sonnets (I hope this is one) are growng on me. Really liked this one.
Phil.
|
Shakespearean, yes
Written by fellpony (1507 comments posted) 12th March 2007 |
Shakespearean sonnet form, Phil, and very elastic "iambic" pentameter (10 syllables, 5 "beats") stretched where necessary - scheme abba cddc effe gg.
I also tried hard to get all the apparent negative points into the first 8 lines, and turn the subject in the second 6 as one would with the Petrarchan form.
God bless the inventor of the word processor 
Thanks
|
Written by Phil (6383 comments posted) 12th March 2007 |
Every day's a school day! I think I'm learning. Anyway, whatever it is, I like it.
Phil. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3133 comments posted) 12th March 2007 |
I'm not good at poetic structure but I get an instinctive feel for someting that reads well and this worked for me on every level. The rhyming and the meter all worked to emphaise the content which has such a wonderful unstated power You were just stating the way things are now without great bathos but with a mixture of quiet loss and ending on a note of gentle optomism. A really sublime bit of work. deserves a wider audience, go find one
cheers
J |
Written by fellpony (1507 comments posted) 12th March 2007 |
thank you Jane - for a start, I'll send this to MY mother
then I'll get down to finding a sonnet competition! |
Crimson Tide!
Written by stevetroster (1398 comments posted) 12th March 2007 |
i have never known womens troubles to be portrayed so eloquently.
Personally I prefer a 4-4-2 formation myself but whatever works for you. |
lots to be commended here
Written by patterjack (1055 comments posted) 12th March 2007 |
and most of it has been recorded .
Congratulations
patterjack |
Mother's Day
Written by Josie (2496 comments posted) 13th March 2007 |
| I reiterate what the others have said, but disagree with the first line - being a woman myself. I think women do heed their boies all the time (well some don't seem to) - but when I look at men, it is many of them who don't heed their bodies. I look around at older women, and, on the whole, they don't let themselves go as much as men do. I also disagree that "fountains being spent" and I think many will agree with this. As you reach "retirement" (quite the wrong word), it is a time for new beginnings. I have only written my poems, mainly during the last 12 months, and it is opening the door to work with youngsters again in my area. No, sorry Fellpony. I love your sonnet structure, but don't agree with all the words. Having said that, I think that with the last words you excel! ha ha |
PS
Written by Josie (2496 comments posted) 13th March 2007 |
| It's shameful that I used to deduct marks from my students' work when they didn't check their typing before handing it to me, ha ha. "Bodies" - of course. |
Thanks
Written by fellpony (1507 comments posted) 13th March 2007 |
stevetroster: but 4-4-2 isn't a sonnet, is it? this one is 4-4-4-2. I don't understand your comment, sorry, unless you mean that you prefer the rhyme scheme to be abab in each stanza.
Josie: Why do you interpret this poem as being about anything other than fertility? It actually hasn't got anything to do with letting oneself go.
|
Right
Written by Josie (2496 comments posted) 13th March 2007 |
| Sorry - I was looking further than fertility. Perhaps I was looking at the ladies wearing purple. Hope I'm forgiven Fellpony. (You always get "one" who complicates the issue). ha ha |
no problem, thanks
Written by fellpony (1507 comments posted) 13th March 2007 |
I have rearranged that first line to make it a little clearer. That's what GW reviews are for
The last two lines look forward to the Red Hat Society -- of which she'd be President, of course.  |
Written by Talisker (1300 comments posted) 13th March 2007 |
Lovely poem! I don't care about the scansion though it seems fine, what matters is the content - which expresses "the change" very well.
There must be some consolation in the lack of "crimson visitors"! At very least, you save money on crimson visitor stoppers!
Oli |
thank you Oli
Written by fellpony (1507 comments posted) 13th March 2007 |
| I see you are in ribald mood today - shall go and make remark upon your Motion poem |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 13th March 2007 |
I don't give a hang about the meter or what type of poem this is (yes, I do know that this is a sonnet); this just got to me in its beauty and eloquent simplicity and now I'm going to go and have a good cry somewhere.
I'm still an oasis of laundry and meals, and once in a while I provide the odd shoulder to cry on, and my mind is plenty ruffled and more than a little lacking in wisdom. But perhaps this is not far away for me, too. Okay -- off to have that cry.
Beautiful poem, fellpony. |
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 17th March 2007 |
Sue, I don't know how I managed to miss this but I think that 'beautiful' as Mary says, is indeed the word to describe it. So beautifully written and very clever too. I thought that your meaning was crystal clear.
Kathy |
my mother
Written by fellpony (1507 comments posted) 26th March 2007 |
assumed the poem was part of the card I sent her, and made no remark whatsoever!
That cut ME down to size, I can tell you! |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 26th March 2007 |
Never mind, Sue -- it is still a fine poem.
When I told my father I'd passed the Japanese Proficiency Exam, his response was essentially 'Why aren't you studying other languages too? You don't push yourself hard enough.' I'd spent much of the past two years studying for the exam, too. |
Mother's Day
Written by audrie (444 comments posted) 25th June 2007 |
I am new to this group so it is the first time I have seen this.
I think all women of a certain age, when the nest is empty, will feel empathy with this piece. It is about a sort of yearning to have the babies back again, yet looking forward to the future, when you have your own life back again.
I'm afraid all the talk of pentameters and 4-4-2 is double dutch to me. I have never studied poetry but just write from the heart. |
don't worry ...
Written by fellpony (1507 comments posted) 25th June 2007 |
Some of this stuff is instinctive and some you pick up from reading other people's work whether it's Shakespeare or Andrew Motion.
PS I think Steve's 4-4-2 reference must have been football not poetry. |
Written by JininyC (11 comments posted) 13th January 2008 |
Hi there. I'll be honest, there are a lot of big words, being thrown about here, that I don't fully understand.. 
But I did like this, and to be honest, it reminds me of my mum. I won't go into detail all of the breakdowns and what I think it means, as being a bloke, I'd probably get it wrong, but I know what I like, and this is good. |
Mother's Day
Written by beatricelouise (202 comments posted) 22nd January 2008 |
I am finding this site to be so much fun; however, some words and phrases are so different than what I am accustomed. It is a learning experience for me.
No crimson visitor knocks at her door -- What does this mean?
It seems that this mother seemed chained or trapped in a sense. I wonder whether all mother's sene that in themselves. I remember the first baby that came along, and my husband went out to chat with some friends, I felt the chain as you call it. But in time, I got used to it.
A very touching piece for mothers who've experienced the changes. I guess if one thinks about it, one would suddenly feel set free. While others feel completely lost. I haven't yet experienced the empty nest, for when my children grew up and left, I started fostering children. My home hasn't been empty yet. I actually dread the day in some ways, but I would have more time for myself.
Nice piece of work. Nothing to change that I can see. |
Thank you BL
Written by fellpony (1507 comments posted) 22nd January 2008 |
"No crimson visitor knocks at her door -- What does this mean? "
In England there is an old phrase used by women: "I've got my monthly visitor" that is probably self explanatory. To shorten it I just took the noun and added crimson to it, then extended the metaphor to suggest the "visitor" no longer coming. |
Written by rachel1983 (12 comments posted) 13th March 2008 |
| very touching |
Hope and Optimism renewed.
Written by PeterRSaree (5 comments posted) 31st March 2008 |
| I relate to this poetry because as I grow older, I must realign my goals and life's work. The mother that experiences the burdens and rewards of raising children is now able to build upon 'knowledge derived through experience.' She embraces her new freedom with renewed optimism. In other words, she finds a way to move forward, not dwell in the past and not be discouraged by her loss. Eloquently written! |
Mother's Day
Written by Emmuttmax (109 comments posted) 24th April 2008 |
The first stanza of this piece offered me a rare and tender glimpse into the soul of a woman, especially one who has produced offspring.
What followed, broadened the scope and deepened the emotion. Ending with a hopeful look at the future seems a just reward for what has gone before.
Excellent choice of words.
|
Written by Brett (474 comments posted) 24th April 2008 |
It has all been said above, so all I shall add is that I enjoyed this piece immensely (saw several relatives in the description) and thought that end couplet a belter.
Cheers, Sue (how do you do?) |
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