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So, the Pope comes out of his shell

By Bottleblondesurfer

13 March 2007

The new Pope, Bendictus 16, recently celebrated his first year as Pope. At first his choice caused some controversy because of his past. As a German he was in the Hitler youth. But this was just a youthful innocent indiscretion and he has left if far behind and his past forgotten. He has been keeping a low profile this past year but now with ultimate power and answerable to no one it’s now time to come out of his shell
I hope this doesn't offend. In my defense, I am a recovering Catholic and this is part of my 12 step programme but if it ain't funny it ain't nothing [or rather is nothing]

The Papal nuncio comes into the Popes quarters for his daily briefing carrying a large beach towel
NUNCIO. Good morning Papa are you ready for morning Mass?
         [he hands the Pope the towel]
Here’s your towel. I’ve told you,you don’t need to get in early to reserve your chair, it’s saved for you.

POPE- Ha! vell so you say. But you can’t trust ze Italians ,zey let us down badly in ’42. If I don’t use zee towel some sneaky Cardinal pinches it you betcha, ja?
I know zey don’t like me, just because I’m German, zey neffer let me forget

NUNCIO-Why do you think the people don’t like you?

POPE- Vell I’m not funny like John 23 and John Paul

NUNCIO- I wouldn’t say they were funny

POPE- Zey made me laugh, with zer funny accents.

NUNCIO- We accept you the way you are ,Papa

POPE- But, you see, I vant people to know zat underneath this Reactionary fundamentalist Catholic ruler zere’s really unt loveable guy

NUNCIO- Well why not start with here in the Vatican with a proper meet and greet.

POPE- Nein, nien Iss too formal. I vant to put zer fun back into fundamentalism. Ja?

NUNCIO -I know; we could a arrange an outing.

POPE- Gott himmel are you mad? Vee are still paying out compensation from ze last outings. All zoss naughty priests and zeir bad habits. We keep zat quiet. Ja?.. No outings, I just want people to like me.

NUNCIO- Perhaps you could try being a little more…..well…… tolerant.

POPE- Oh, ha-ha-ha. Yes, you Italians, always mitt the jokes. Very goot. A tolerant Pope ha-ha. You are funny like Jim Davidson. Ja?
No I think I’ve got zer answer. I want to show Germans do haff sense off humour………… .......I do impressions, you know.
                       [Nuncio swallows down his shock]

NUNCIO- What do you mean; impressions of other people?

POPE- Yes my liebshien . I was quite good when I was younger. I often did warm up for Himmler at rallies.

NUNCIO- I’m not sure it’s a good idea for a religious leader to do impressions

POPE –But zey’re so goot. Everyone loved my Clint Eastwood… “Go ahead und make my day. Do you feel a lucky leetle punk, ja?”- What do you think

                       [he’s horrified but what do you say to the Pope]

NUNCIO – Well, It’s just like he’s in the room, Papa, But are you sure?

POPE- Just try and guess ziss one, OK? “You are only supposed to blow ze bloody doors off, dummkopf”
                         [the Nuncio feels obliged to play along]

NUNCIO Yes well, Michael Caine of course.

POPE- Vunderbar. But this is my best one; Try this… “Raus Raus line up for inspection. Women on ze left men on ze right, schnell

NUNCIO Ummmm No I have no idea.

POPE- Really? It was my Uncle Herman. Everyone said I got him perfectly.

NUNCIO – I never met him, so I wouldn’t know, I’m afraid

POPE- A pity. A wonderful man, so funny. Zer life and soul of zer party; everyone said it . His motto was , A laugh, a song and a pogrom.

NUNCIO- [industrial strength botox couldn’t keep his bland expression in place]
          A truly moving tribute but perhaps you could do something more in keeping with your holy position.

POPE- I used to do zer tap dancing.

NUNCIO- Not in those jackboots, Papa.

POPE- You like zem, Ja? I had my robes shortened to show zem off. All zer Papal Guard are wearing zem, too.

NUNCIO – I’m glad you mentioned that Papa. It’s causing a few problems with the guard.

POPE— Surely not, Nuncio,I thought zey looked so goot yesterday, marching up and down. Ah, it brought back such memories.

NUNCIO-   Well that is the problem, the marching. They don’t like it.

POPE-   Really, but zat is what soldiers are supposed to do.

NUNCIO- Yes I know Papa but the goosestep really doesn’t suit the costume they wear. The tights and short skirt doesn’t lend itself to high kicking.

POPE- Vhat on earth do you mean?

NUNCIO- They feel it’s a little too revealing and it’s causing problems.

POPE-   You Italians. Always problems, what   problems?

NUNCIO- Well three nuns had to be treated for shock and the mother superior threw herself on a guard saying “So that’s what ‘I’ve been missing, take me now big boy”

POPE-   Zis is just zer teething problems, this place needs some changes.

NUNCIO- Are you sure it’s a good idea

POPE Who’s zer infallible one then ,Nuncio?

NUNCIO- But you promised to run all new ideas past me first.

POPE- Ah yes as you mention it. I have thought of some changes.
There’s a book, circulating around, I’ve noticed, I’m not happy about.

NUNCIO- A book which book? I thought we agreed, no reading.

POPE- Oh you know zer one, black leather, no pictures
            [the Nuncio has twigged finally]

NUNCIO – Oh do you mean the Holy Bible, Papa? You can’t change anything
In that .It is the basis of the Christian faith.

POPE- Yes I know, I know but I’ve been reading it and I couldn’t help noticing zat ……..well.
NUNCIO- Yes Papa, what is it?
               [the Pope looks around and pulls the Nuncio close to him and whispers       conspiratorially]

POPE- Vell I couldn’t help noticing…..come a bit closer mein libshien,…. Zey are all Jews in zer, all of zem. Haven’t you noticed?

NUNCIO- Yes, yes of course. I know.

POPE- Oh so you have spotted it too?. But we are Christians vhat can vee do?

NUNCIO- We can’t change it Papa. We can’t change anything.

POPE- No, no You are right it will only draw attention to it. If vee just keep it to ourselves, perhaps no-one else will notice. Vee don’t want to upset zer Catholics.

NUNCIO- A good idea Papa it can be just our little secret.

              [the pope give him a conspiratorial wink]

POPE- Just us two, big secret, very goot. Right now I think vee go to mass. Vee vill sing the little song I taught you , After three. One-two three
…………MY OWN LILLY MARLEN-A
…………MY OWN LILLY MARLENE

Reviews

good try, Jane
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 12th March 2007

but I think that overall the infallibility might be a hard nut to crack !

patterjack

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3569 comments posted) 13th March 2007

I fear you are right,Brian, infallibility, is the wall you run into every time and makes nonsense of this, too.
The pope has a direct line to God whereas I just have pizza-hut on speed dial.
J

How dare you!
Written by stevetroster (1600 comments posted) 13th March 2007

I vould haff vort zat by now du Brittisher schum vould haff vorgiven our few minor indiscretions during zee vor. Got in himmel! Zee Trouster family will haff zair wewenge.
Ja ist gut - Another glorious piece of work - You haff veys off making me laugh.
Ich bin der glucklich schmalern punk to be able to turn to your pages for a chuckle when I need one.
After three. One-two-three.
"Blondie, blondie, uber alles"

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 13th March 2007

I thought parts of this were very funny: the pope doing bad Clint Eastwood impressions for instance, and industrial-strength Botox not being able to keep Nuncio's expression in place. And Herman, too, was funny in a Springtime-for-Hitler kind of way, as was the Pope's concern about the Bible being so full of Jews. But overall, this didn't have the punch that most of your comedy skits do, so I see it as more of an exercise.

But I'll be back!

Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 13th March 2007

I can see Channel 4 nicking your idea for one those programmes - '100 funniest Popes" - presented by Graham Norton. Some good laughs in this - the towels made a promising start, and the impressions - a tad too long? And the Nuncio has an Italian accent? - But great characters - I thought he might finish with "Like a Virgin" - but your option was probably better.

Written by Clifftown (642 comments posted) 13th March 2007

Well, you had me from the 'towel reserving'...fantastic. Not sure whether you'll think this an insult or high praise, but I thought the accents had a bit of an 'Allo 'Allo quality about them! And I do hope the part about Jim Davidson was a joke...to me he's about as funny as a hysterectomy.

As usual, this had me laughing and it certainly wasn't too long for me. As I keep saying, I'm envious - would love to do comedy as well as you and Coosh seem to do effortlessly.

Forget PC...
Written by woody44 (777 comments posted) 13th March 2007

Never mind infallibillity I think you sailed admirably close to the wind with this one Jane. Mind you I don`t give much for your chances at the final reckoning. Just don`t wear anything too warm....

cheers
Woody

Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 13th March 2007

With Woody on this one. Made me laugh. Particularly liked: A laugh, a song and a pogrom. Lots to like about it. Maybe just needs distilling a little.

Incidentally, that Christ was a Jew is something the right wing of the church still tries to keep quiet.

Keep them coming Jane.

Phil.

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3569 comments posted) 13th March 2007

Thanks for all the comments. The general consenus seems to be a bit too long and I think your'e right I just kept chucking the ideas. in It should have had a tighter edit. Point taken and thanks everyone
J

Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 13th March 2007

Good morning ma'am.

My take is 'good, but not your best'. As has been said, there are some funny enough lines strewn through it, but I agree its a tad long, and the gags don't quite support the length.

Guess we can't win 'em all eh?

Cheers

G.

Written by Livinginanattic (473 comments posted) 15th March 2007

Only just seen this, don't know how I missed it before. I'm with the others on this, maybe not one of your best but some funny moments all the same. Cheers.

Written by Anyanka (33 comments posted) 16th March 2007

The first half had me chortling merrily along, but same as the Third Reich, it just went on a bit too long to be amusing. Cut after the line 'a laugh, a song and a pogrom' and you have a perfect little sketch. (Love your German accent by the way. Much better than mine.)

Handsomely done Jane.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 1st April 2007

Hello Jane.

As you asked me to look at this some time ago, I have to say that now is the first time I have been able to acccede to your request. Apologies. Just so busy I rarely get time to visit the site.

First off again, competently scripted, though I do think you need to have a few more staging prompts. The dialogue can hang like a narrative without them and God only knows how often we have numpties on this forum sicking up prose as though nobody might notice.

I thought the content of the piece had potential. OK. But I would question , as they said of Durer's Rhinocerous , ' What is it for?' Where are you intending this? A script usually only has cogency contingent on its destination. I thought the material fine but a tad undredeveloped- depending where you intend puting it. If its for digital radio; I think you might not have to do much work. Other than that, particularly if you have a mainstream script outlet in mind, then I fear you will find you have to work on it some. Nothing to do with the content. Rather the development of the content which I thought very ...er..raw. No pejoritve comment this. Instead I feel that though this is not your best piece I have seen on this site, conversely it is competent and worthy of enhancenent. Needs more thought about ' what it is and its destination'. That way you will be able to decipher how to pitch it.

Good idea. Needs a long think about its purpose and its final aim.

Well done for keeping the scripting impetus going. I am off to give a lick of encouragement to PNC creative, who has done a competent job but has not got many takers for his/her work since he /she does not belong to the ' GW Luvvies Mutual Backslapping Club '.

Will PM you re this. My best wishes.

Slan!

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