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Comedy
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| Yo mamma is... | |
| By Snodlander | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 13 March 2007 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
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My 1st ever script. Sorry about the formatting [AN EMPTY STAGE. ACROSS THE CURTAIN HANGS A SIGN THAT READS “Annual Eton vs Winchester Rap Battle”. LOUD RAP MUSIC FILLS THE AIR.] [THE AUDIENCE IS RAUCUS, MAKING RAP RHYTHM NOISES AND CAT-CALLING. THEY ARE EXCLUSIVELY WHITE MALE YOUTHS, AND ARE ALL DRESSED IN EITHER ETON OR WINCHESTER SCHOOL UNIFORMS. SOME WAVE SCHOOL SCARVES ABOVE THEIR HEADS.] [THE MUSIC DIES DOWN AND A LAD OF ABOUT 18 WALKS ON STAGE. HE IS DRESSED IN RUGBY SCHOOL UNIFORM, AND HAS A LARGE PREFECT’S BADGE ON HIS LAPEL. THE AUDIENCE BARRACK AND CATCALL AS HE WAITS FOR SILENCE. AS HE SPEAKS HE HAS AN UPPER-CLASS ENGLISH ACCENT, AS DOES EVERYONE ELSE.] MC “Dudes and dudettes. Schoolboys and schoolgirls” [UPROAR AT THE MENTION OF GIRLS] “Tonight, for the annual rap battle between these two great and glorious institutions (though not as great and glorious as Rugby, of course)” [MORE UPROAR] [SHOUTING] “Tonight, ladies and gentlemen!” [THE UPROAR DIES DOWN] “Tonight, we have two street dogs barking, territory marking, verbally fighting, don’t allow no biting, Posse dissing, no beat missing, booing and hissing, and taking the… Michael. “From Winchester, packing a double-barrel, it’s Tarquin Mainwaring-deVeer.” [TARQUIN ENTERS STAGE LEFT TO CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE] “From Eton, we have the answer to Ali G (and let’s face it, it must have been an odd question), it’s Justin Farquhar Jones.” [JUSTIN ENTERS STAGE RIGHT TO CHEERS AND BOOS] “And please give it up for the beat meisters tonight, the one, the only, Rugby School Choral Society Rhythm and Beat Section.” [ENTER LEFT THREE BOYS IN TRADITIONAL CHOIR OUTFITS, SPITTING OUT A RAP RHYTHTM ON MICROPHONES] MC “Let me lay it on you, brethren. Here are the laws immutable, passed on from head boy to head boy from a time before memory, when Michael Jackson was still black. “Each combatant will strike with a couplet. His opponent will reply with a counter strike. Points will be deducted for missed beats, lame insults, poor rhymes or general uncoolness. Battle will continue for one minute, or until a combatant goes down. They will then be judged by their peers with rahs or boos. In the event of a tie, I, as an independent, will make a judgement, and my judgement is final. “Gentlemen, shake hands.” [THE TWO RAPPERS MOVE CENTRE STAGE FRONT AND SHAKE HANDS] TARQUIN “Not one of the Cheshire Jones?” JUSTIN “Yes. Didn’t your father come down for the polo last year?” TARQUIN “Yes. We simply must have you over to our place some time.” JUSTIN “That would be delightful” [THE MC STEPS UP TO THEM AND TOSSES A COIN, SHOWING THE RESULT TO BOTH CONTESTANTS. THE RAPPERS NOD AND MOVE APART, ADOPTING THE SULLEN LOOK OF RAPPERS EVERYWHERE.] MC “Eton to start. Remember, this is not Marquis of Salisbury. The lower the blow the better. Gentlemen, let hostilities commence.” [THROUGHOUT THE FOLLOWING, THERE IS MUCH GRABBING OF CROTCH AND ARM FOLDING, BUT AWKWARD, AND WITH NO SLOUCHING] [THE CHOIR START SPITTING THE RHYTHM] JUSTIN Dude, your mother is so ugly, it surely is a crime, she’s so ugly she’s only been married one time. TARQUIN Blade, your mother is so poor, she really needs a loan. She’s so poor, her boobs are all her own. JUSTIN Dog, your father is so gay, it surely is a pity, he only has one mistress for those late nights in the city. TARQUIN Man, your family is messed up, you all need a lesson. You don’t even go to a family therapy session. JUSTIN Yeah? Your sister is so boring, she saps a chaps will. She only has imagination to pop one kind of pill. TARQUIN Shit, your sister is so boring, she’s bland like no other. Her lack of personality means she’s been turned down for Big Brother. (Two times) JUSTIN Your place is so small the rats are hunched back You’ve only a hundred and twelve acres round the back TARQUIN Your gymkhana field’s tiny, like your family’s tax gains, It’s so small you jump on the back of great danes. [THE MC STEPS UP BETWEEN THEM] MC “Whoa, gentlemen. Now the moment of truth. Give it up for Justin!” [GENERAL CHEERS AND BOOS] “And for Tarquin!” [CHEERS AND BOOS AGAIN] “That sounds a draw to me, and I concur. A pox on both your houses. Gentlemen, let the Pimms flow” [GENERAL CHEERS AS THE TWO RAPPERS SHAKE HANDS AND EXEUNT ALL FROM THE STAGE]
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