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Comedy
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| Mills and Boon and Essex | |
| By Snodlander | ||||||||||||||||
| 14 March 2007 | ||||||||||||||||
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[A SUPERMARKET. MICHELLE IS STANDING BEHIND A SHOPPING TROLLEY FACING STAGE LEFT, PERUSING THE GOODS ON THE SHELF. SHE IS ABOUT 20, BLONDE HAIR AND DRESSED CHAV-STYLE] [ENTER STAGE LEFT, KYLIE, A CHAV CLONE OF MICHELLE] KYLIE: “Shell! Hallo. How’s it hanging, girl?” MICHELLE: “Hello Ky. It’s good, cheers. How’s your love life?” KYLIE: “Gawd, don’t talk to me about my love life. Bloody men! Only good for one thing, and that’s changing the bloody light bulb! “’Ere, talking about love life, I got a load of Mills and Boon I don’t want, if you’re interested. My Mum wants me to get rid of them. She said, ‘take them down the charity shop,’ but I said, ‘What are black babies in Africa going to do with Mills and Boon?’ Silly cow. Still, I know you like a good bonk buster, if you know what I mean, eh?” [BOTH WOMEN CACKLE] “Anyway, how’s your love life? Met anyone yet?” MICHELLE: “Ooh, funny you should ask. I met this gorgeous guy the other night.” KYLIE: “No! Where? There’s naff-all action at the local mid-week.” MICHELLE: “No, this wasn’t at the boozer. It was at the laundromat.” KYLIE: “No way! I thought you had a washing machine.” MICHELLE: “Well, I have, ain’t I? But it’s busted. Shot water all over my sandals, those nice pair you thought were Gucci. Next sodding Thursday the plumber can come out. I even thought about calling Ian out, you know, the muscley bloke I went out with that time, he’s handy with his hands, if you get my drift. But he only wanted to charge me! Cheek! “Anyway, there I was. Wednesday evening, sat on my Jack Jones, watching my smalls go round. Not that they’re that small anymore. Three pound I’ve put on. Can you Adam and Eve it?” KYLIE: “Bullshit! I wish I had your bum, Shell, I really do. You’ve got a great figure.” [MICHELLE TURNS TO TRY AND SEE HER BUM. BOTH GIRLS LOOK] MICHELLE: “Anyway, I’m sat there, bored out my tiny. I’ve read Hello twice already, there’s no bleeding telly in there and the battery on my phone is dead. I mean I had died and gone to hell, really I had. “Then the door opens, and Oh… My… God!” KYLIE: “What? What?” MICHELLE: “This guy walks in with his load.” KYLIE: “With his what?” MICHELLE: “His load. His washing. Honest, I thought I had died and gone to heaven. You know that picture of that bloke on that Jackie Collins book you had? Well, he was like that, only younger and a bit more tanned, and he didn’t have that beard. But Oh… My… God, Ky, you should have seen him! He was like a bronzed Greek God! KYLIE: “Yeah? What did he look like?” MICHELLE: “Like a bronzed Greek God.” KYLIE: “So what did you say to him?” MICHELLE: “Leave it out! I’m not going to talk to him, am I? What? Come across as desperate?” KYLIE: “Yeah, but you are a bit, though, ain’t you?” MICHELLE: “No, actually. I can get a man whenever.” KYLIE: “Yeah, but you ain’t though, not recently, have you?” MICHELLE: “Some of us, Kylie, are picky, is all. Anyway, I’m not going to come out and just talk to him, am I? So I play it all cool, and thank Christ I put something decent on when I went out. “So I sit there, watching my smalls, only I’m not really, I’m watching him, sort of thing. And he’s putting his stuff in the machine, and I’m watching real careful, like, just in case there’s some women’s stuff mixed in with his shirts.” KYLIE: “Ewww! He was a tranny?” MICHELLE: [LAUGHING] “No, you div! In case he was living with someone. Gawd, Ky, you’re retarded sometimes.” KYLIE: [LAUGHING] “Yeah, I am, sometimes, ain’t I?” MICHELLE: “Anyway, I’m looking, and there’s nothing but shirts and men’s undies. But he’s all shy, like. He’s concentrating on putting his stuff in the machine and he’s not looking at me at all. Well, he’s pretending not to, anyway. I’m sitting there, all ‘come and talk to me’, and he’s too shy. I mean, he’s noticed me, he has to have. I’m sat there in that suedette mini and fluffy jacket, there in the middle of the laundromat, and you know how good my legs look in that mini.” [BOTH LOOK DOWN AT MICHELLE’S LEGS] “Anyway, he puts it all in, sticks his money in and sits there, reading a book.” KYLIE: “A book? A bloke? Reading a book? So he was a tranny!” MICHELLE: “Well, that’s what I thought! A bloke reading a book. ‘Typical,’ I thought. ‘All the good-looking ones are gay.’ But I have to make sure, don’t I?” KYLIE: “So what? Did you pretend to have something in your eye?” MICHELLE: “No, too obvious. I…” KYLIE: “Did you pretend to faint?” MICHELLE: “Leave it out, too desperate. As if. No… KYLIE: [EXCITED] “So what? What? What did you do?” MICHELLE: “I’m telling you, aren’t I? I asked if he had two tens for a twenty.” KYLIE: “What?” MICHELLE: “For the dryer. I asked if he could change a twenty pence piece for two tens.” KYLIE: “Yeah? Did that work?” MICHELLE: “I’m telling you, Ky, it was truly magic. He looked at me, and we connected. We gazed into each others eyes, and it was just like in the books. I swear, I could hear music, and I wasn’t listening to my MP3 or nothing. A woman could drown in those eyes, Ky, I’m telling you. And he looked at me, straight on, as close to me as you are, and he said… KYLIE: “Yeah?” MICHELLE: “He said… ‘No, love.” KYLIE: “Bastard!” MICHELLE: “Yeah, well, that’s what I thought at first. But I was too late, see? He had already fallen for another, only she was working with black babies in Africa, and he was waiting for her to come back so they could have babies themselves, even maybe a black baby from Africa like Madonna, and though he was really lonely and could really do with a woman like me he had to be true to his heart, sort of thing.” KYLIE: “Bloody hell, Shell! He told you all that?” MICHELLE: “Not exactly , but he looked the type, you know what I mean? “Anyway, got to get on. See you later.” [EXIT MICHELLE, STAGE LEFT] [KYLIE REMAINS CENTRE STAGE, STARING OUT INTO THE AUDIENCE WITH A FAR-AWAY EXPRESSION ON HER FACE] [ENTER SHANNON, STAGE RIGHT, ANOTHER CHAV] SHANNON: “Hello Ky. I didn’t realise they had let you back in here again. How’s things?” KYLIE: “Shan, I got to tell you. I just met this gorgeous guy.”
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