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Poetry


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When a Vampire Falls

By -jellyacey-

14 March 2007

I wanted to make this for my classmate who is recently making a story about vampires, you know, one's fallinf inlove, the one's who don't see blood as a necessity but an addiction? well,for others anyway:D She still doesn't know about this so.. yeah... I promise to tell her though:D Lui if you're reading this, this is about adonis, no cicero:D

if it's not good, please say it:D

Unbelievable as it may seem
Even vampires dream
What they dream about I wouldn't know

But I have an idea
the most brillant idea
or so I would think so myself

When a vampire dreams
it's not always about screams
you would hear when they scare you off.

Though they seem so heartless
You could see the sadness
They try to hide when you break their heart

Though they try to hide it
They fall deep inside it
"it" whatever you would call their heart.

Then there was this vampire who
didn't know what to do
when his heart won over his pride

He never though of it this way
So he didn't know what to say
He didn't know what to do about "her"

He decided to hide it
He wanted to deny it
Though his "heart" knew that it was all true

After centuries of waiting
He found himself contemplating
more on the situation he's on

He's not a bad guy
so don't ask why
it was this vampire who fell for you

Reviews

No Fangs
Written by stevetroster (1399 comments posted) 14th March 2007

Not enough bite for me I'm afraid

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 17th March 2007

This is probably longer than it needs to be and a bit too chatty. If I were you I would try and write nice and simply and choose your words carefully - so that each word adds something to the poem and make sure that you aren't repeating ideas unecessarily.

One another thing - I'd try and stay away from the vampire theme - bit tired as it's been done to death!

Keep at it though, you just need to think about it a bit more.

Elli

Written by austheke (35 comments posted) 5th May 2007

it seems too light for something about vampires. perhaps a darker theme would help. and choose your words more carefully. if the rhyme is taking out of the eaning, then ditch the rhyme.

Written by austheke (35 comments posted) 5th May 2007

meaning, i meant. not eaning.

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