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Shorts
Pompeii
By RuKsaK
02 July 2005

This is the last thing I wrote, inspired by my ongoing interest in metaphorical concepts and very loosely inspired by one of my favourite short stories - Cat in the Rain by Hemingway. 

Anyway, that's the pretentious bit, would love to know what people think of it and would appreciate absolute honesty more than anything.


A calming scent of dust kicked up from their lazy heels and the shoes looked so soft and oldened by it.  He looked forward to the reminiscence he'd get from cleaning them a day later, brushing off the grains of Pompeii.  They held hands, the heat so dry there was no sweat between them - two pieces of gentle leather clasped, rather than human hands.  He spoke first.  He always did nowadays.

‘This is gonna be great.  I've wanted to see this as long as I can remember.  Those lava-covered bodies must look so amazing.'

She just nodded to show she was listening, somehow, but not to agree probably.  Otherwise she watched her summer dress fly around her legs as her slow moving knees moved inside it.  It looked odd to her, not her kind of thing, but this was Europe - she was allowed to look down her strange holiday legs as the hot breeze cooled between them.

They turned the corner, and he pointed and broke their hands apart.

‘There's one there!  Wow!  Come on, let's have a look.'

He was bending in front of the stone, curled body before she even got halfway to it.  For the most of her remaining steps towards him she kept watching the small flowers wave on her dress, like she was wearing a breezy field of daisies. 

‘This is amazing.  You should feel it.  It's kind of cool in this shade.  Imagine the heat, to capture you here.  The pain and here it is fixed solid - this man, or woman, I don't know.  Anyway nailed to this spot forever.  People will be coming to see this for so many centuries and all they had to do was die in flames, choking.  I reckon there must be some tiny warm piece inside, right in the heart of this thing - the years slowly cooling it down.'

His hands were slowly working over the stone, circling the chest, down the arm, caressing the head, like a doctor over a hopeless patient.

‘It's really quite cold considering the heat around here.  You should touch it.  Come on.'

He moved down the leg and seemed to tickle the feet as though the thing might move, revive.  He squatted and looked over it with loving eyes, searching it.

‘Imagine the pain though - knowing you're dying and thinking the Gods are blasting fire and brimstone on you.  Wow!  Two thousand years and you can still see the face - the last face it ever wore.'

She hardly noticed the teardrop coming, but saw it fall through the curtaining folds of her dress.  Hitting the floor it turned the faint brown, ancient dust to black, and it hardened.  She sniffed quickly and he turned to her.

‘I know my sweet.  What happened here, and to think there is a body in there is terrible.'

He wiped below her eye and dust from the lava-covered body stained her cheek. 

But, she felt an extra one coming now.  It was bigger and felt cold.  The patch on the ground was about to be blacker and harder. 

Reviews
well written fragment
Written by kevinrobson73 (391 comments posted) 3rd July 2005
TITLE - is it eye-catching, relevant to story? adequate -but not compelling - suggest something more in keeping with the story - ie- two thousand year old tears -or - no time to cry etc 
BEGINNING - Does it hook you, lead into the story, relevance -well described set up 
VOICE/VIEWPOINT - Does it come across well, show personality, is it right for the story, well handled? masterful 
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE - Do personalities show up; are they stereotypes; are they right for the story? good -a little lightweight-could have had more help in strengthening the visual impact on the reader  
USE OF ENGLISH/STYLE - Does it read well? Imaginitive use of language/imagery/layout, does it show 'sparkle'? clever Are there spelling errors/typos/jarring grammatical errors? good editing/proof reading -well done 
DRAMA - Is there good use of action, enough tension/conflict ? almost -think you could strive to heioghten the emotion 
EMOTION - Are we swayed by the narrator and identify our emotions with the narrator? -very good 
STORYLINE/PLOT - Is it evident? Is there a beginning,middle,end? Interesting/ original? as a fragment -yes 
THEME - What's the underlying meaning of the story? Was it evident? Understandable? well handled 
ENDING - Are loose ends tied up? Are you let down? Was it expected/original? nicely handled 
 
worth persevering with 
 
more back story and continue please -if there is more
Nice
Written by Falken (14 comments posted) 23rd April 2007
This jumped out at me as I have just read "Pompeii" by Robert Harris which was a major disappointment - it came across as though he was writing for it to be turned into a Hollywood popcorn movie. Anyway, this read well and leaves me wanting to know more about the couple. Why is she upset? What's her normal clothing? Does she not love him and is he clueless? Y'see? You've got me thinking about them already! Just a couple of sentences that don;t scan quite right, like "The pain and here it is fixed solid - this man, or woman, I don't know.", but other than that, nice one.

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