I wrote this because of the way people are classified depending on their looks. When I was teaching I met a lot of people like the one in the story (Or is it a vignette?), I won't say that they were all pussy cats but certainly not all hard cases either.
I entered it for a 250 word comp. didn't get anywhere (except the long list) so I have pruned it of quite a number of words.
Waiting
He stood, six foot two in his stockinged feet. Black vest covering a chest of Herculean proportions. A Chinese dragon snaked its way up one arm whilst up his other a viper worked its sinuous way. Knuckles sported the usual LOVE, HATE. Rings pierced nose, ears, and with other body piercings only to be guessed at. He was waiting, but not patiently.
He paced the room. Then dropped into a seat barely large enough to accommodate his enormous frame. He glared at those around him, no one daring to catch his eye. He began again to pace.
The door opened. For a moment his giant frame was stilled. He stared, let his breath out in a long sigh and continued to pace. "One….two…...", words were dragged in rasping breaths from within him.
The room seemed too small to hold him. Others in the room shrank and made themselves smaller to give him space. A feeling of unease and disquiet pervaded the space.
The door opened. A skittering, a skattering, a whining. The world seemed to be waiting for something cataclysmic to happen.
"Mr.Roberts!"
He stopped pacing.
Those in the room waited expectantly.
"Mr.Roberts?"
"Mr. Roberts. You can take Rocky home now. Bring her back on Monday to have the stitches taken out. Put two of these tablets into her food each morning."
The man knelt down and very gently, put his arms around the ageing rottweiller.
He was rewarded with a wagging tail and a lick of the hand.
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HI Lizzy
Written by jean.day (2257 comments posted) 14th March 2007 |
| As someone who has waited for her dog to come out of various operations, I can appreciate how your big tatooed man must have felt. It is a nice idea that someone who looks so strong and self sufficient can have a vulnerable side. |
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 14th March 2007 |
Hi Lizzy.
I liked the pace and suspense in this and I thought that some of your observations were really good.
'body piercings only to be guessed at' !
'The room seemed too small to hold him'
I thought that you could have done without the 'him' in 'dragged in rasping breaths from within him' because you have another 'him' in the sentence directly after that.
But I really liked it.
Kathy |
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 14th March 2007 |
| Mm.. a soft side for his 'ROTTWEILLER' maybe, surely that says quite a lot about him as a caring person!!! If he was such a little sweetiee he'd have had a poodle; preferably with pink fur and little bows on its ears. |
Written by foxmulder (4 comments posted) 14th March 2007 |
I think it's very nicely written and it succeeds, to an extent. You do build up the suspense well.
My only problem - we don't learn whether the main character is the neanderthal he appears to be or not. Sure, he cares for his dog but is that telling us enough about him?
What I mean is: the point of this piece is to not judge a book by it's cover but is there enough to tell us whether our judgment was right or wrong? Hitler probably had a pet he cared for...
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Written by Lizzy (783 comments posted) 14th March 2007 |
Thanks for the positive comments and suggestions. I rather wish I'd given him a pink poodle now and I suppose he could have been wearing pink slippers to match. No one would have dared say anything.
I agree, we get no clue as to his true character, except he loved his dog. I believe that Hitler was nice to children and dogs and that Dr Crippin was very charming to all those he did not marry.
Lizzy |
Written by alamo (32 comments posted) 14th March 2007 |
There were some really good parts to this:
The bit "The room seemed too small to hold him" is excellent. But can people both shrink and make "themselves smaller"? Think you should edit this bit.
Also the part where no one wants to look him in the eye. That is a brilliant observation; it's exactly what you feel like when you see a character like this.
I think the piercing thing should be re-worded, just sounds a little clumsy at the moment.
Also the putting his arms round the dog bit is great, the "gently" is a good contrast with how we imagine him to act.
And as a dog lover, I enjoyed the "wagging tail and a lick of the hand."
Overall I really enjoyed this, it's a nice idea and with a bit of tweaking could be a great little story.
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Written by Anyanka (33 comments posted) 15th March 2007 |
Hi, Newbie here, but not new to dogs.
Nice idea, and the twist wasn't what I expected.
I agree with previous posters that the breed is wrong, but also disagree with the pink poodle idea. A miniature poodle would just be ridiculous for this guy, but a rottweiler confirms to the stereotype you've already set up. How about giving the guy an elderly cocker spaniel? That would confound all expectations, but still be quite plausible. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 15th March 2007 |
I have to admit that I was holding out for a newborn baby -- or failing that, a chihuahua. But a cocker spaniel is just as good.
I liked this and will not repeat the good advice you have already received from other reviewers. |
Written by Glossa (18 comments posted) 15th March 2007 |
| I would edit " and with other piercings only to be guessed at" to "and other piercings were only to be guessed at"; change "glaring" to "glared"; cut out either "shrank" or "made themselves smaller"; change one "space" to "room"; delete or rewrite the sentence beginning "something cataclysmic" (sometimes the words we most fall in love with are the ones to edit out) and then leave it alone. I love Rotties! ...and I really like this story. |
Written by Lizzy (783 comments posted) 15th March 2007 |
Thanks so much everyone for all the comments, especially as it was such a short piece. I will rewrite using your suggestions. When you are close to something you have written you can't always see where the mistakes are and it does take someone else to see them.
Maybe we should write a joint GW novel, with all the expertise out there it could be the greatest story ever written!!! |
Written by Phil (6635 comments posted) 17th March 2007 |
Write a GW novel? Are you mad? Think of all the arguments.
Enjoyed this. Some good suggestions made, but remember, this is your piece and it has to reflect what you want it to. Suggestions are good, just make sure any changes you make, you make because you want to. With so much advice on such a short piece you could end up with something divorced completely from you.
Sorry - I'm waffling.
As I say - enjoyed.
Phil. |
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