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Poetry
Murder in the Orchard
By Kathy
14 March 2007
This is based upon something that happened to us ... I don't want to say more! If it is unclear then I will have to re-think.

Would be really grateful as ever for your views and crits.

I am getting round to reading bits of everyone's work, slowly and in particular, those who've been kind enough to make suggestions as to which pieces of their work to look at first. Any more suggestions welcome.

Cheers
Kathy


Murder in the Orchard.


They laid siege to the house for seven days,
the brooding, silent Six.
But when we looked at them
they went their separate ways
with real disdain and feigned indifference.

We knew why they had come
but chose not to reveal our hand.
They saw our fear
and seemed to understand
that we had seen right through their thin disguise.

In golden charm, they chattered, closely knit,
then stood apart and stared at us as if
in sentry duty at our gated field,
waiting to see what chance or fate would yield.

Murder was all about them
in his white and funeral black
flicking their feathered coat tails
in mock attack.

Don't let them near the children!
the young ones' father said
and we complied.
The watchers showed they didn't hear;
they lied.

Somewhere, beneath the sacred branches
of the sacrificial wood
the orchard floor was readied
for its frightened food.

Sometime on the seventh day
the Puritans must have come
and where two little chucks played
now was one.

Only brooding motherhood knew the thief
but, speechless,
could not hope to tell her grief
and none of us could know who'd be so bold.
So it's seven for nature's monstrous secret,
never to be told.


Reviews
One for sorrow!
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 14th March 2007
I will start by saying that I do not understand the mechanics of poetry, how you can take one or two passages of a story, chop them up into little sentences with strange punctuation and suddenly you have poetry. 
HOWEVER...I enjoyed this as a (clever) story and enjoyed reading it far more than some of the (clever) poetry (I do not mean to suggest that yours isn't poetic). 
Just a thought...Could you not have worked the phrase 'Parliamentarians' into the piece, or is it too much of a mouthful for poetry. 
 
Oh that poor little chicken.Sob. 
 
Best wishes 
 
Estee

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 14th March 2007
Magpies attacking poultry? Or so I assumed. Sorry if I'm a little more dense than usual; I've been up late writing and getting rejected. 
 
I like this. It is hard for me to give you more critical comments now, given my lack of sleep, so I will come back to it after (I sincerely hope) a good night of sleep. I do like the idea of the orchard floor being prepared for its frightened food -- and many other parts of this.

Written by orangepeel (7 comments posted) 14th March 2007
I could not quite fathom this one out, I'm afraid. I am guessing it is about the civil war [surely an oxymoron] 
I enjoy poetry and found a lot to like in this, there some nicely turned phrases but I confess the full meaning is unclear to me.
Orange Aid or Bitter Lemon?
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 14th March 2007
Perhaps you should have read other peoples comments before you wrote yours, we all managed to work it out. Perchance the 'oxy' was superflouos.
magpies
Written by fellpony (1575 comments posted) 14th March 2007
amuse me - apparently clumsy, but so clever. Not so the crows / magpies / rooks, though it's funny at this time of year to hear rooks trying to sing. Yes I know they're all rascals, rogues and murderers. Life's a bitch. 
 
I enjoyed this but found the "they" of the first few stanzas uncertain - not always clear who "they" referred to.  
 
I think it is poetry - not just chopped up story packed into a tin!  
 
Well done.

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3295 comments posted) 14th March 2007
Dark times and dark deeds. The piece was shot through with menace and threat. The language and the imagery all added to the atmosphere. I know virtually nothing of the mechanics of poetry,either, but if the writing grabs and engages me then I don't think it matters 
Powerful stuff 
cheers 
J

Written by Josie (2732 comments posted) 15th March 2007
I have to say, Kathy, as I've said to others, that I do not like poems where it is not clear what the writer is talking about, and I haven't a clue here. Instead of starting with the word "They" why not say who "they" are. I may be blind, but even the clues throughout the piece didn't help me. I've done this sort of thing, sometimes, for a bit for fun, but you can usually tell from the clues what I'm talking about eventually. For example, my poem about the "milkman" and "Mr Google" did state clearly on the last line who they were, eg. "by the bottle he leaves on your step" (http://www.whiteheadm.co.uk/html/fred.htm#fred) etc I'm not being rude, but for me, the length of lines didn't do anything for my poetric mind. From "in mock attack" and "they lied" to "So it's seven etc" - I couldn't see how it related to poetry because it didn't seem to have any structure at all. Perhaps you could explain this. But, perhaps as I write balanced poems with lots of rhythm, it would, naturally, confuse me. No, I'm afraid that I don't like guessing poems, even though the words are powerful, but I'm sure I'm in the minority. By the way "sevenfor nature" - are you giving them marks for some achievement? Sorry - too much I didn't understand.
Hello, Good Morning and Welcome!
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 15th March 2007
Thanks to all for taking time to give this some thought and all of your views are most welcome. 
 
I shall explain the context but realise that having to do so does imply that the poem has not been successful! 
 
Fact: 
 
Shortly after getting our chickens a 'charm' or 'murder' of magpies, (the collective term) began stalking them and every day got closer and closer to them until they began to invade our garden. One day, one of the chicks disappeared never to be seen again! I was quite upset about this for several days! 
 
English Civil War Connection: 
 
I live between Painswick (Royalist stronghold led by Prince Rupert) and Gloucester (Parliamentarian, Col. Edward Massie). Gloucester managed to withhold the Royalist siege for 30 days(ish). I had read that the Roundheads when travelling to the battles would take by force anything that they needed on their journey and many families tried to hide their goods and food and women!! 
 
Old English verse for counting magpies, it is considered unlucky just to see one on its own: 
 
One for sorrow 
Two for mirth 
Three for a wedding, four for a birth, 
Five for silver, six for gold, 
Seven for a secret never to be told. 
Eight for heaven, nine for hell 
And ten for the devils' own sel'. (self) 
 
So 'golden charm' relates to the above as does the final line. 
 
I also wanted to relate to their colouring (black and white) and their desire to kill. The parliamentarian connection is because of the location of the piece and it felt like we were being harassed!! 
 
I do understand that not everyone likes free verse format and I respect those views. I wanted to be a bit more free to express myself in this piece and also did not want to simply write a poem about magpies, but to bring other elements into it. I think that the beginning has obviously not worked but I deliberately wanted to create a sense of not knowing and to discover more later on in the poem. 
 
If anyone has any pointers I would be grateful!! 
 
Thanks for taking the trouble. 
 
Kathy 
 
HI Kathy
Written by jean.day (2257 comments posted) 15th March 2007
I enjoyed reading this poem, but must admit that I enjoyed it much more on the second reading, after I had had your information about it. 
 
But even without knowing exactly what was happening, it still was a powerful piece of writing.

Written by orangepeel (7 comments posted) 15th March 2007
Thank you for you comprehensive explanation of the work. I can see it was a very complex piece bringing in many different themes, and obviously a personal piece of writing,too. My second reading of it, in light of your words, has only increased my appreciation of it. 

Written by Talisker (1321 comments posted) 15th March 2007
I thoroughly enjoyed this poem, all the more so for the explanation - which served to oli the cogs of my cognition. 
 
If you can produce work of this quality consistently then you have a fan here. 
 
Oli :)
Murder in the Orchard
Written by CliffBowes (176 comments posted) 15th March 2007
A great poem Kathy. We too have a local mafia of the pied maggot eaters in and around the garden, so I did understand your poem at first reading.  
I prefer writing to a tight format - as you may have guessed by reading some of the stuff I have posted - but I do appreciate your style and the way it sounds when read out loud. 
Looking forward to more of your work. 
Cliff
Thanks All.
Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 15th March 2007
Jean thanks for making the effort to come back and read it again!! 
 
Dear 'Orangepeel'! I thank you for your honesty and think that it may be a bit obscure as several people have needed my explanation. I look forward to reading your stuff too. 
 
Oli, well, I am really thrilled that you've taken a look and that you see some promise, coming from you that is praise indeed. As a beginner, I can't promise to meet your standards everytime and so I hope that you will overlook my failings enough to be critical for me! If you could stand the intrusion, I would like to PM you to ask for a little more advice...? 
 
Cliff, you are very kind to offer those thoughts even though it is not your favourite type of poetry. I was very pleased that you thought that it read well aloud, because I try to do that when I write... it helps with the patterns doesn't it? 
 
I don't want to go on and on taking up space to thank people individually but everyone's contribution has been really helpful. 
 
Kathryn

Written by Phil (6635 comments posted) 15th March 2007
Really liked this Kathy, although I do admit, your explanation did give me a fuller appreciation. I thought you'd written it very well. 
 
The magpie rhyme. Slightly different in my neck of the woods: 
 
One for sorrow  
Two for joy 
Three for girl,  
Four for boy,  
Five for silver, six for gold,  
Seven for a secret never to be told.  
Eight for heaven, nine for hell  
And ten for the devils' own sel'. (self)  
 
Yorkshire/Lancashire version? 
 
Phil.

Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 16th March 2007
Phil 
 
I'm not sure that there is a Yorks/Lancs divide but I could be wrong. I think that mine is older than yours!! (Sad but very true!) 
 
Thanks for your review, I may have to introduce the bird idea a little earlier on in the poem. 
 
Kathy
Hi Kathy
Written by Lizzy (783 comments posted) 16th March 2007
I did enjoy this and I did understand about the magpies, it was, 'flicking their feathered coat tails' that gave it to me. What a perfect image. I was lost with the Civil War Puritan Cavalier thing but understood after the explanation. 
I'm with Phil on the rhyme, a Midlands version? 

Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 17th March 2007
Thanks a lot Lizzy, I'm please that several people did get the magpie connection, so maybe that's ok. I'll leave it alone for a bit and see what I might be able to do about tightening it up.  
I don't know about the rhyme, I think that it is just that one pre-dates the other...? Not sure though. 
Kathy

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 17th March 2007
You know I'm quite proud of myself for getting most of what you intended from this. I have to say though that you're trying to marry up a lot of quite disparate things in this piece - might be worth concentrating it a bit so that it is a bit less dense. Interesting piece, worht working on I think. 
 
Elli

Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 17th March 2007
It doesn't surprise me that you did manage to get most of it Elli. I would find it helpful to know how I could 'marry up a lot of quite disparate things' because I can't see the wood for the 'orchard' trees at present! 
Thanks for your help yet again Elli. 
Kathy

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