Just a little light relief from collecting rejection slips. I’ve just shamelessly pinched an idea from Dick Peligro’s piece. Unlike his post, though, mine is not a seamless meshing of fact and fiction. It is ill researched, offensive and xenophobic but I believe you should always play to your strengths.
And, as Fledermaus says,the French never stop being funny.
The continuing story of Luxembourg’s invasion and occupation of France is causing shock waves throughout the free world, No-one is more shocked by it than Luxembourg who claim it was an accident.
A consulate official issued a statement, “Our soldiers were on manoeuvres and strayed over the border. They didn’t realise their mistake until they fetched up in a town. They approached some locals who immediately started surrendering to them. The police were called and when they turned up they handed over their weapons and surrendered as well.
The army captain said
“Zey seemed so keen to surrender it seemed impolite not to round zem up and interrogate zem. Zee locals seemed to expect it”, he continued,
“Word spread very quickly and before we knew eet people from all over zee area were offering zeir houses for billeting and grassing up zeir neighbours as resistance fighters. We couldn’t stop zee buggers surrendering”
When the Mayor of the town was informed they were in fact Luxembourgers and not Germans he was at first shocked but with a Gallic shrug said “Mais oui, what can we do? Anyway eet makes a pleasant change from zee bloody Germans. Wee always vote for Luxembourg in zer Eurovision song contest, anyway”
The problem was further compounded when a group of Scouts and Guides from Remich on an coach outing were handed the City of Lyons when they stopped.
The chief of police said,” Eet was surrrch a well-planned invasiurn, what could we do? Zee initial coach onslaught was followed up by zee pincher movement of a crack team St John Ambulance children on zee exchange viseet from Luxembourg”
The English army, on instruction from the UN, are on stand by but the French are not happy about their involvement.
“ Merde alors. Wee don’t want to be leeberated by zee bloody Engleesh again. we would nefher live it down.
The president of the UN is quoted as saying “This is a very tricky situation .We have been advised that the Luxembourg army feel obliged to stay as the French are genetically programmed to surrender and a retreat now might traumatise the whole country. He added that the problem had been compounded by a recent fire, which had destroyed a white flag factory in Paris - effectively crippling their military facilities.
The head of the French armed forces has given an update on the Army's situation.
“Mon dieu zee armay ees not supposed to fight! Ze uniforms are by Versace n’est pas. Zey are bespoke. Eef we fight we get zem mucky and we aff to surrender in dirty uniforms. Oh zer shame of eet”
The president of France was philosophical. “At least zee trains weel run on time, maintenant” When he was informed who had actually invaded he said “D’accord.What are zee Luxembourgers good at, zen?
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Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 14th March 2007 |
This had me snorting and slapping my knees. I particularly liked the white flag factory in Paris and the police surrendering their weapons. Always happy to have a little laugh at the expense of the French -- I feel that as an American I am entitled (I only stopped this a few years back when all those rednecks were pouring out their French wine and boycotting French products when the French voiced their disapproval of the war in Iraq).
Wish I could go and liberate a couple of French bakeries, though. |
Written by patterjack (1159 comments posted) 14th March 2007 |
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as long...
Written by patterjack (1159 comments posted) 14th March 2007 |
... as refugees fleeing the invading hordes go on setting up patisseries in Oz I am fairly neutral . But I wonder has Luxembourg issued a stamp for the occasion ?
Nice piece , Jane , and sorry for the early morning arthritic stumble with the thumb resulting in my firing the blank above.
patterjack |
Written by Fledermaus (3238 comments posted) 14th March 2007 |
Zhey are good at makink monnee, zhus iddiz very good for France to be occupied by zhe Luxembourgiens.
Genetically programmed for surrennder. Luckily for you Napoleon is already dead. Oh no, I forgot he was Corsican and according to Mme. Royal they can be independent if they want to.
The only Frenchman who ever conquered Europe wasn't even realy French!
Nice piece. French never stop being funny eh?
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Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 14th March 2007 |
Jane, you've done a grand job in demolishing our European neighbours, you've certainly played to your strengths here. No publisher would dare touch this because the EU would then be ancient history and we'd all be getting ready for World War 3. I'm glad I've got no French blood because I thought this was extremely funny.
Cheers. |
Yes
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 14th March 2007 |
Yes, very good. The Frogs are complete tossers of course, and deserve the urine extracting regularly.
Good idea, gags, length, execution.
You had me from the moment you wrote 'they approached some locals who immediately started surrendering'.
Well done.
G. |
If only ....
Written by Bagheera (680 comments posted) 15th March 2007 |
..... the timing had been a little different, this would have caused such alarm and distress in French ranks that the England rugby team could have inflicted the "cricket score" type massacre they really needed over the Froggies in last weekend's Six Nations match (yes, I know we won, but the points difference table still needs some work!! 
Well done, Jane: you grabbed me by the throat from the first sentence and didn't let go until the end! |
HI BBS
Written by jean.day (2257 comments posted) 15th March 2007 |
What a great laugh. I liked the bespoke Versace uniforms which would be a disgrace is they got dirty and had to surrender in them.
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Written by coosh (844 comments posted) 15th March 2007 |
| Patterjack's comment is priceless - maybe a board game would be overstepping the mark. You caught me at a good moment with this - just off the phone to a particulary obnoxious French client - yep, the white flags and the scouts were great inclusions. I bet you had to look up Remich, or can you reel off their main cities blindfold? Have ever tried to get past that soldier guarding the Luxembourg Palace - just wait until his back's turned for a second. Great idea, thoroughly enjoyed. |
Written by woody44 (774 comments posted) 15th March 2007 |
Another rib-tickler Jane. Loved the white flag factory and the bespoke uniforms.Spot on. I think if you ever need another job you`d be ideal for the British Ambassador in Paris..
Woody |
Written by Talisker (1321 comments posted) 15th March 2007 |
Dear, dear Jane, I never took you for a zenophobe. You English really do hate the frenchies though, don't you.
Even when you kicked their derrierres at Agincourt and cut their bowing fingers off, you still had to give them " the Vs" just for good measure...what did they ever do to you?
Vive l'alliance vielle!
Oli
(Oh (lala), et mon frere Kevin, il est francais aussi. I'l n'est pas de Luxembourgers en Fecamp, Normandie ce matin, il dit!)  |
On xenophobia . . .
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 15th March 2007 |
Say, Oli, what happened to 'The Deil can tak yer Auld Alliance'??
(Smiling face here) XXX |
Frog Princes
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 15th March 2007 |
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Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 15th March 2007 |
First the pope and now this! I tried to read this through twice, but I had so many tears in my eyes from the first read that I couldn't focus. This is the first piece of work that I have come across on GW that I intend to print and keep, but before I do, PLEASE, PLEASE, correct a few minor problems so that I may possess a perfect copy.
(but with a Gallic shrug and said)
(French are not on happy)
Etc.
I hope that 'Dick' reads this and learns from it.
Estee (A fan) |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3298 comments posted) 15th March 2007 |
It seems that not only am I offensive and xenophobic but also illiterate as well. Thank you, Estee, for the corrections, job done. If you want permission to copy this I can be reached at cheeseatingsurrendermonkey@ntlworld.com [Dick and explain it]
all the best
Jane |
Frog Princess
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 15th March 2007 |
Who's illiterate (frog princes!) See, now that my eyes are dry I've come back for the second read.
Didn't get (Dick and explain it) (?)
Tried your e-mail address and that didn't work (!) is it cheese/eating or chees/eating? Oh never mind.
But it is stanby (not stand by).
PS. What's your real colour? I love a red-head myself. |
Huh?
Written by DickPeligro (21 comments posted) 15th March 2007 |
| Well, I also enjoyed it greatly, Estee, but (with all due respect to Bottleblondesurfer) pray tell just what it is I need to "learn" from this? |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3298 comments posted) 16th March 2007 |
I hate responding to my own post like this and I seldom do it but I the Dick I was referring to was Dick Cheney hence the reference to cheeseatingsurrender...etc. I do hope no-one learns anything from this. I'd hate to think I had made anyone think,there's far too much of it about
j |
ah, the french
Written by robokent (84 comments posted) 16th March 2007 |
BBS,
Thought I'd stop by and say hi, been a while I know, but man, when I saw you'd written a piece about the French, you know I couldn't let it go without a comment.
Very humorously written, if a bit cliché. Oh! I have to go! The Luxembourg gestapo just knocked on my door! I'm heading underground... let you know when it's safe to communicate further...
rk |
Written by Anyanka (33 comments posted) 16th March 2007 |
Absolutely hilarious. Even for someone like me who is genetically predetermined not to have a sense of humour. Loved it.
By the way, Talisker, that thing about the bowmen at Agincourt is of course a great old rotten Canard, trotted out to explain both the V-sign and the middle-finger salute on occasion! |
Written by Phil (6645 comments posted) 16th March 2007 |
Hi Jane, come back to this for a second read and noticed my original comment has disappeared. I hope you read it as I can't remember for the life of me what I put.
Something like: Very funny, enjoyed thoroughly - with all the other compliments received above too. And as GVTSM says, stuffing it to the French is always a cause for satisfaction. I quite like them actually, but they are such smug buggers.
Loved the exchange with DP.
Phil. |
Jane
Written by Talisker (1321 comments posted) 16th March 2007 |
To be fair, I did not call you a Xenophobe but a Zenophobe - i.e. one who has an aversion to "living moment-by-moment and seeing deeply into the nature of things by direct experience".
I'm thoroughly ashamed that this may have been interpreted as a "spello".
Oli |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3298 comments posted) 16th March 2007 |
Thanks for clearing that up ,Oli,that has put my mind at rest.I was worried, there for a moment. When I've worked out what that definition means I'll know whether to smile or frown
J |
Hi Bubbles
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 3rd June 2007 |
"It seems that not only am I offensive and xenophobic but also illiterate as well."
That's no reflection on you dear but a black mark against your parents.
You forgot to mention those in the resistance who set up around their end of the Channel Tunnel-The Herioic "Duty Free French".
Brian |
Written by Minimango (14 comments posted) 11th June 2007 |
Thank god i was drinking anything when i started reading this, it would have been sprayed across my screen.
Great piece. Just fabulous
MiniMangol |
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