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Great Writing - Home > Extended > Another chance to love her - chapter 7
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Extended Work
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| Another chance to love her - chapter 7 | |
| By LynB | ||||||||||
| 17 March 2007 | ||||||||||
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Chapter 7 It was a couple of hours later when the front door opened, and Donna crept indoors, and up the stairs. She tried to tread softly, so she did not wake anyone. She quickly checked on Rosie, and smiling fondly at her, she left her room, and went into her own. She had not drunk much, as it went straight to her head and left her unable to function the next day, so she was still fairly alert – unlike her husband, she thought to herself, smiling fondly at him as he lay there beside her, with one arm beside him on the pillow. As she settled down, she quickly dropped off to sleep – it had been a long day! However, a couple of hours later, she was woken by ear piercing cries from Rosie’s room. She quickly got out of bed, and went to her. As she picked her up, she threw her head back, and struggled to get away – she did not seem to want Donna to hold her, which was unusual, as she was normally a very cuddly child. She felt her forehead – it was as hot as fire. This did not seem like teething to her – something was not quite right. “Jon! Could you come in here a minute, please?” she called. “Something’s up!” After a few minutes, he appeared, trying to force himself awake. “What are you talking about?” he said, peering at her from half-closed eyes. “What did you wake me for?” “She doesn’t seem right to me” she said, desperately trying to comfort her daughter. “What was she like when I was out?” “She played up and refused to go to bed – seemed a bit irritable. I put it down to teething, and gave her Calpol. I thought she felt a bit hot, but I thought that could be due to teething, as well. Perhaps it’s just a cold, or something.” “No” said Donna, her voice rising with fear. “It’s more than that – turn the light on! Maybe if I take her top off, she’ll cool down a little, maybe…… oh my God, what’s this?” As she took Rosie’s top off, she noticed an angry red rash all over her back, and part of her stomach. Oh Jesus no… “Fetch a glass!” she snapped “Now!” By now, feeling scared and bewildered, he disappeared downstairs for a glass. Donna took it, and pressed the bottom of it on to Rosie’s back – the rash was clearly visible under the glass. Donna’s heart gave a sickening lurch as she turned to face him. “How long has she had this rash?” she demanded, grabbing hold of his arms. “How long? Please, Jon, it’s important!” “I don’t know!” he said, trying to free himself from her grip. “I just gave her Calpol and put her to bed!” “Did you bath her when you put her to bed? I normally do if she’s irritable – it helps to soothe her!” “No!” he said, he was really scared now – just what was Donna getting at? “I just put her straight to bed! She was tired, I thought she’d just go to sleep! Donna, what are you trying to say?!” “Well” she shouted, putting the glass on the window sill. “If you’d bathed her as usual, you would have noticed this rash!” “Donna, please!” He was close to tears now. “I don’t understand – what does this rash mean? Come on, tell me…..” “I haven’t time to explain now!” she yelled at him, taking Rosie from her cot, and wrapping a blanket around her. “We need to get her to hospital – now!!” “Hospital! Please, Donna…….” He hurried down the stairs after her, and they quickly got into the car. Donna sat in the back, holding Rosie in her arms. She was absolutely beside herself, tears streaming down her face, rocking her little girl in her arms. He drove to the hospital in silence, yet inside he was on the verge of losing it – what was wrong with his little girl? Why hadn’t he noticed? As they arrived, he parked in the A&E car park, and they rushed through the double doors, and up to the desk. “Can I help you?” said the lady behind the desk. “Please!” said Donna “My baby’s ill – she’s hot, and floppy and she won’t stop crying, and she’s got a rash that won’t go away…..” “I’ll call someone right away!” she said, picking up a telephone. “Someone will see you right away!” Barely seconds later, a nurse appeared, closely followed by a doctor, and they rushed Rosie through to a cubicle, where they quickly removed all her clothing. It was the rash that seemed to concern them most of all. “We’ll have to do a test” said the doctor, her face grave. “but all her symptoms are indicative of meningitis!” Jon felt the colour drain from his face, he felt like he had been hit by a thunderbolt. Donna held Rosie’s hand, weeping uncontrollably – this is what she had feared all along. He put his hand on her shoulder, but to his amazement she angrily shook it off. As the doctor and nurse disappeared to prepare the equipment needed for the test, she suddenly rounded on him. “Why the hell didn’t you notice this sooner?” she said, her dark eyes full of pain and anger. “Why didn’t you bath her – you’d have seen it then! Do you realise what this means?” “Of course I do!” he said, his voice trembling. “but I didn’t know what the symptoms of meningitis were – I only know it’s serious. I’m sorry, Donna! I should’ve noticed, I’ve had so much on my mind lately…..” “No excuses!” she snapped, turning her back on him. “You mean to tell me you were so wrapped up in someone else’s child, you weren’t concentrating on your own?” “That’s not fair, Donna!” “No!” she yelled, completely beside herself. “It isn’t fair! It’s not fair that….” She broke off, as the doctor and nurse returned. The doctor held a large needle in her hand. Donna glanced fearfully at it. “What are you going to do with that?” she said. “We have to draw off a small sample of spinal fluid” said the doctor, gently. “that will confirm what we suspect, I fear. Can you hold her please?” She gestured to the nurse, who gently held Rosie still, while the doctor attempted to insert the needle. Rosie screamed and wriggled, trying to get away as the nurse held her. Donna held her hand, rubbing it gently. “Mummy’s here, darling!” she said, crying softly. “I’m here! You’ll be all right – Mummy’s here!” As Rosie screamed with pain and fear, with the nurse holding her down, as the doctor tried to insert the needle, Jon watched helplessly, feeling like his very soul was being torn apart. “Oh Jesus! I can’t watch this any more! I can’t stand it!…..” With that, he walked out of the room, and shut the door behind him. He leaned against the wall, covering his face with his hands, for some reason, quite unable to cry. Oh dear God, why hadn’t he noticed it sooner? Was Donna right – had he been so wrapped up in someone else’s child, he’d put his own precious flesh and blood at risk? Suddenly, the crying stopped. He slowly opened the door, and went back in. Donna looked at him, her face red and blotchy, her eyes puffed up where she had been crying. “They’re testing it now” she said, her voice expressionless. “It won’t take long! They’ll be back in a few minutes!” Sure enough, shortly afterwards, the doctor returned. Her face was grave. Donna frantically shook her head, beginning to cry uncontrollably. “No!” she wept “No! Not my little girl, not my baby!” “I’m very sorry!” said the doctor. “But the tests proved positive – it is meningitis. Your little girl is seriously ill – you got her to us as soon as you could, so we’re hoping that, with powerful antibiotics, we can help her. But, she is very ill!” Donna leaned her head on the side of the bed, clinging on to Rosie’s hand, sobbing uncontrollably. She looked at the doctor. “Is there a telephone I can use?” she said. “I need to call my mother – I want her to stay with me!” The doctor looked mystified. She gestured towards Jon, and said: “But your husband…..” “I don’t want him to stay with me! This is all his fault…..” “No, it isn’t!” said the doctor, putting her hand on her shoulder. “It’s no-one’s fault – you can’t blame him or anyone else! You got her to us as soon as you could – please, don’t blame him. He’s suffering as much as you are – don’t push him away!” “I didn’t know she had a rash!” he said, he stared straight ahead, as though he was completely stunned, he was incapable of tears. “and if I had, I didn’t know it was a symptom of meningitis, I didn’t know….” “It’s surprising how many people don’t!” said the doctor, putting her arm around his shoulders. “So don’t torture yourself about it, your little girl’s condition is not your fault – please, believe me!” “My wife doesn’t!” he protested, pushing her arm away. “She hates me – I can tell! Look at the way she’s looking at me – she doesn’t want me near her!” The doctor watched him intently, as he sat there on a chair, staring straight into space. It was almost as though it had not hit him yet, as though he did not want to accept what had happened – she did not like it. She had seen this kind of reaction before – it was almost a form of denial. He was completely incapable of showing his feelings, it was as though they had shut down completely with the shock. Despite the doctor’s reassurances that it was not Jon’s fault, Donna still insisted on calling her mother to be with her. She did not take long to arrive. She, too, tried to persuade Donna that it was not his fault, but she was having none of it, she was beside herself with pain, and was looking for someone to blame, and she was lashing out at the person she loved most in all the world, besides her little girl – there was no reasoning with her. “I’m not going home!” he said. “I want to be with you!” “Well” she said, her voice trembling with pain and anger. “I don’t want you with me! I want you to leave me alone – I hate you! This is all down to you….” “Donna!” said her mother, putting her hand on her arm. “Don’t say that! Don’t you think he’s hurting, too! Rosie’s his child, too, you know!” “He should have thought of that!” hissed Donna, looking at him. “He should have thought of that before he devoted all his spare time looking for someone else’s!” “I’m not going home!” he whispered, tears streaming down his face. “You can’t make me. She’s my daughter, and I’m staying with her, just in case… in case the worst happens…” He just could not bring himself to say any more, and sat there in silence by his little girl’s bedside, holding her hand, willing her to recover. Donna would not go near him, but kept shooting him accusing glances, and the pain in her eyes was like a knife in his heart. “I hope for your sake that it doesn’t” replied Donna, her voice low and angry. “because if it does, so help me God, I will never forgive you!” “That’s enough, Donna” said her mother, shocked at her words. “Can’t you see he’s going through hell? He’s hurting just as much as you are. Now, I’m going home, because you should taking comfort in each other, not apportioning blame. That’s not going to help that little girl, is it? Make sure you ring me as soon as you hear anything – promise me you will.” “Of course I will” said Donna, giving her mother a hug. “The very second I get any news, you’ll be the first to know.” As soon as her mother had left the room, Donna sat down in a chair on the opposite side of the bed. She was in not in a forgiving mood, and despite Jon’s heartfelt pleas, she refused to even look at him. As he gently stroked Rosie’s face, he began to speak, and Donna never forgot one word of what he said. “Donna, I know you hate me right now, and you have every right to. I know you don’t want me anywhere near you or Rosie, but I can’t leave her – I just can’t. I realise what I’ve done, or maybe that should be what I didn’t do, and I’ll never forget it for the rest of my life. I was so wrapped up in a little girl I hardly knew, that I put my own precious baby at risk, and it’s tearing me apart. If there’s a God up there, I hope he’s listening, because I’m praying to him every single second to spare my Rosie. Punish me all you want, Donna, because I deserve it, but I bet you can’t punish me any more than I’m punishing myself. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…” Before Donna could answer, a nurse walked in, and picked up the chart at the end of Rosie’s bed. She was the same nurse who had assisted in the lumbar puncture when Rosie had first been admitted, and knew that Donna was blaming her husband for their child’s present condition. She glanced at them both in turn, then, turning to Donna, she gestured to Jon, saying softly: “Go on – give him a hug.” “Why should I?” “Because he’s torturing himself over that little girl, and he desperately needs one. Don’t punish him any more, love – give him a hug.” “I can’t” said Donna, glancing down at Rosie. “If I do that, it means I’ve forgiven him, and I haven’t. I can’t forget that he put another child before his own, and as a result, his own child could…” She could not finish her sentence. The nurse did not push it, but just squeezed her hand, and left the room. The hours seemed to pass very slowly, as the doctors came and went. Each time, the news was the same – Rosie was holding her own, but she was not out of the woods, yet. As he sat there unmoving, holding his little girl’s hand, Jon ached to feel Donna’s arms around him, but his pride would not let him tell her how he really felt. The thought that he might lose his precious child was bad enough, but knowing that Donna blamed him for it, was almost more than he could bear. He looked at her, silently pleading with her, but she just looked away, leaving him totally at a loss. Suddenly, he heard a gentle moan, and Rosie began to shift around in the bed. Donna ran to fetch someone. Minutes later, she returned with the doctor, who examined Rosie. When she looked up, she was smiling. “What is it?” said Donna, holding on to her arm. “Is she all right? What’s happening?” “Well” replied the doctor, her voice shaking. “It appears your little girl has turned the corner. She’s responding to the antibiotics, and it looks as if she’ll make it. There’s a long road ahead, but it looks as if your prayers have been answered.” “Did you hear that, Jon?” said Donna, beginning to cry. “She’s going to be all right. We’re not going to lose her after all!” “Yes, I heard” he said, not taking his eyes off Rosie. “It’s wonderful.” The doctor left them alone, and Donna went round to the other side of the bed, and put her hand on his shoulder. He looked up at her, but her eyes were cold. “Just because she’s going to be all right, it doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven you.” she said, leaning over to kiss Rosie’s forehead. “You said you wanted to stay, just in case the worst happened. Well, it’s not going to happen now, so you can go home.” “Donna, what do I have to do, before you forgive me?” he pleaded, tears streaming down his face. “Please, I don’t want to go. Please…” “Go home, Jon” she said, not looking at him. “There’s nothing more you can do here. Please, I need time to think.” “Can I come and see her tomorrow?” he whispered, gently kissing his little girl. “Surely you wouldn’t deny me that?” He took one last glance at Rosie, before leaving the room. He somehow managed to drive home in a straight line. As he fumbled with his key in the lock, he somehow managed to drop it. He swore at the top of his voice, and kicked the door. His next door neighbour opened the window, and said crossly: “What the hell are you doing? It’s the middle of the night!” “I’ve dropped my key!” he said, just staring at her. “I dropped my key! I can’t find it! I need to get in…..” “Jon, are you all right?” she said, looking intently at him, then, deciding he was far from all right, she closed her window, and made her way downstairs, where she quickly threw her clothes on, and joined him on his front doorstep. She found the key, glinting on the path, and unlocked his door for him. “What’s going on?” she said. “what are you doing up in the middle of the night?” “Do you want a cup of tea, Eileen?” he said, gesturing to her to come in. “I could murder one!” She did not like the way he was behaving, something was badly wrong. She walked past him into the living room, and sat down on the sofa. “Right!” he said, taking a step towards the kitchen “now for that cup of tea!” “Jon! Stop it!” she ordered “What’s wrong with you? What’s happened? You can tell me! Hold on, where’s Donna…..” “Hospital” he said, briefly. “with Rosie! She’s got meningitis!” “What!” Eileen’s voice was a strangled whisper. “Oh dear God! I’m so sorry!” Jon felt his throat tighten, but he still did not cry. Eileen knew exactly what to do. She got up and put her arms around him, holding him tightly. “It’s all right!” she said, softly “It’s all right to cry! Come on – stop trying to fight it – you can’t fight it forever! Just let go!” He struggled to free himself, but she held him firmly. His knees suddenly gave way, and he sank to the floor, she knelt beside him, cradling him in her arms. Her heart missed a beat as he suddenly gave a sharp intake of breath, and held it for what seemed like an eternity, then he suddenly let out a heartrending howl of anguish, his whole body racked with huge, shuddering sobs. Eileen did not say a word, but just rocked him back and forth, rubbing his back, as all his pent up pain came flooding out. Eventually, she spoke. “That’s better!” she said. “You can’t keep it all inside – if you keep it all bottled up it tears you apart! You can’t be strong all the time, love. While you’re being strong for Donna, who’s being strong for you….” “You don’t understand!” he sobbed, still clinging on to her. “She doesn’t want me to be strong for her! She doesn’t want me near her! She says it’s my fault, and it is!” “Jon! Please, listen to me…..” “No! She’s right, it is my fault! I should have noticed it sooner! It is my fault! She’ll never forgive me! Why should she, when I can never forgive myself!”
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