Danny - Great Writing Creative Writing Community

Great Writing - Home > Poetry > Danny

READING ROOM

Great Writing - Home

Read and review others' work

Articles on writing

Advice from the community

COMMUNITY

Talk to others in the forums

Events and Competitions

GW News

ABOUT GREAT WRITING

All About Us

WORK AWAITING REVIEW
This list is randomly generated from all our published works. New Shoes, Old Shoes by Wolfish Three accounts of events... by teddy The lost grave by Andrea_Owen Advice by ailbhe An Ed-dy of Thoughts by patterjack A warning for some very ... by louielady Goal! by kerry1983 Charade by fairypenny Bolinas (Part IV) by sahewitt I don't want to write ye... by

WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1105 guests online and 4 members online Phil ukstoryteller Kesol_Trent SRClowes74 rob_win

WHO'S ONLINE

Phil

ukstoryteller

Kesol_Trent

SRClowes74

rob_win

Poetry


print friendly version
Danny

By Toad

19 March 2007

Somehow, Danny is outdoing me.
It bothers me, because
when we were kids I
always beat him at checkers,

and hit baseballs farther.
In high school, it was
A’s and B’s for me, and
C’s and D’s for Danny.

I played on the tennis team,
excelled. I drank and smoked
too, like Danny. Side fun for me,
lifestyle training for him, I thought.

I was gripping my control,
convinced that it was absolute.
I had to do everything, and
no one else had my range.

After graduation, I knew it was time
to leave Danny in the dust.
College, adulthood, success. You
stay here, watch me fly away.

But somehow, Danny is outdoing me.
After a year away, I returned
dazed and desperate. I wanted out,
but was scared frozen in my shoes.

I saw Danny. His smile was pure
satisfaction, his demeanor
comfortably unchanged. Making good money
dealing drugs, he tells me.

Somehow, Danny is outdoing me.
If I could go back, I’d pay less attention to

wins and losses, successes and failures.

I would just laugh, all of the time.

Reviews

Written by fellpony (2846 comments posted) 19th March 2007

Sad tale; possibly more of a short story than a poem?

I'd cut the opening 2 lines, frankly; and the repetition of Somehow, Danny is outdoing me in stanza 6; possibly also in the last one.

A neat encapsulation none the less.

Written by Talisker (1367 comments posted) 19th March 2007

A poetic injustice, but not very poetically described. The words are fine as a tale, but there is no poetic depth, its just told "as it is".

Enjoyed it nonetheless.

Oli

Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 19th March 2007

Hi there!

Your observations are very good, but I agree it falls a little short of a well structured poetic form. I think that this is a promising idea though, would you re-work it? I have gained a lot of help from people's views and have found that my work has improved as a result...

Talisker and Fellpony are two of the best reviewers and they have made some valid points here. A lot could be learned from taking a look at their work, I have found that to be helpful myself!

Best wishes
Kathy

nullvery

Written by Phil (8698 comments posted) 19th March 2007

With the above on this. An interesting idea, well expressed, but it falls between two genres. Not quite poetry, not quite prose. It seems it's worth a reworking in one form or the other.

Phil.

Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register.

Previous item		Next item