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Poetry


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Danny

By Toad

19 March 2007

Somehow, Danny is outdoing me.
It bothers me, because
when we were kids I
always beat him at checkers,

and hit baseballs farther.
In high school, it was
A’s and B’s for me, and
C’s and D’s for Danny.

I played on the tennis team,
excelled. I drank and smoked
too, like Danny. Side fun for me,
lifestyle training for him, I thought.

I was gripping my control,
convinced that it was absolute.
I had to do everything, and
no one else had my range.

After graduation, I knew it was time
to leave Danny in the dust.
College, adulthood, success. You
stay here, watch me fly away.

But somehow, Danny is outdoing me.
After a year away, I returned
dazed and desperate. I wanted out,
but was scared frozen in my shoes.

I saw Danny. His smile was pure
satisfaction, his demeanor
comfortably unchanged. Making good money
dealing drugs, he tells me.

Somehow, Danny is outdoing me.
If I could go back, I’d pay less attention to

wins and losses, successes and failures.

I would just laugh, all of the time.

Reviews

Written by fellpony (1659 comments posted) 19th March 2007

Sad tale; possibly more of a short story than a poem?

I'd cut the opening 2 lines, frankly; and the repetition of Somehow, Danny is outdoing me in stanza 6; possibly also in the last one.

A neat encapsulation none the less.

Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 19th March 2007

A poetic injustice, but not very poetically described. The words are fine as a tale, but there is no poetic depth, its just told "as it is".

Enjoyed it nonetheless.

Oli

Written by Kathy (220 comments posted) 19th March 2007

Hi there!

Your observations are very good, but I agree it falls a little short of a well structured poetic form. I think that this is a promising idea though, would you re-work it? I have gained a lot of help from people's views and have found that my work has improved as a result...

Talisker and Fellpony are two of the best reviewers and they have made some valid points here. A lot could be learned from taking a look at their work, I have found that to be helpful myself!

Best wishes
Kathy

nullvery

Written by Phil (6845 comments posted) 19th March 2007

With the above on this. An interesting idea, well expressed, but it falls between two genres. Not quite poetry, not quite prose. It seems it's worth a reworking in one form or the other.

Phil.

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