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Poetry
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[emotional]
By kitten_princess
19 March 2007
Formerly Grass, but I totally rewrote the ending... Que pensez-vous?

Comments please! :)

words thrown carelessly
hit my ears

a dozen paper cuts
shallow
stinging

my eyes
round glassy saucers
too easily overfilled

spill salt water
over food
               clothes
                          paper

i take a walk.

the words still circle me

nibbling away at my ego
reducing me to a core
of unabashed emotion

that crumples
like sheets
that fall
on washing day

but i fold them away

and store them
hide the feelings

until tomorrow, anyway.

Reviews

Written by Talisker (1331 comments posted) 19th March 2007
I like this a lot. 
 
The paper cut metaphor is good.  
 
"Glassy saucers" is a bit a hackneyed cliche for me. What about using "mirrors" or "ponds" or even "buckets" - just something to challenge the reader (these are rubbish, but I'm just trying to make a point). 
 
Somehow though, I find it hard to imagine a "core" crumbling - so that washing metaphor works only partially (for me). The rest of it is very good, just the word "core" for me. 
 
Perhaps "Wearing me threadbare" or some such thing, which matches better with the overall laundry metaphor. 
 
I think that you don't need both lines in the penultimate stanza - they say much the same thing. 
 
Again, I like it a lot. A bit of a polish and it could be a real winner. 
 
Oli 
 
:)
classic you
Written by no1butClo (341 comments posted) 19th March 2007
In style and content. 
 
Bit raw at the moment, need to let it stew awhile [bad idea though that may be - I'm not sure] then give it another look. 
 
Sorry about that - not sure we realised how crackable the mask was that day. it's all food right? I mean, at least you're not starving yourself *sniggers at the unliklihood of such an event* 
 
But until you find a recipe for a diamante pineapple - which must surely be the most healthy food in existence - I will continue to terrify you with apples every hallowe'en :p  
 
sorry eveyrone else, but I can't be bothered to copy this into a PM 
 
clo x

Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 19th March 2007
Distinct improvement on 'Grass.' 
 
Core didn't bother me at all. I really liked the laundry metaphor, worked much better than grass. (for me) 
 
Oli's right about penultimate pair of lines. 
 
This reads as one complete piece now, not two halves. (One half of which lost me a little.) 
 
Liked this a lot. 
 
Not a crit, just an inquisitive question: why no capitalisation and punctuation? 
 
Phil. 
 

Written by ellipinnock (1790 comments posted) 20th March 2007
Better - still needs some work I think but much better than the first version. If I were you I'd sit on it for a while and come back to it later. 
 
Elli

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