Chapter 9

Donna made her way through the ward, carrying two steaming cups of coffee.  Rosie’s recovery was proving to be a long haul, and they were taking it in turns to sit by her bed.

“Thank you!” she said, as a nurse held open the door for her. She set the coffee down on the table by Rosie’s bed – the nurse beckoned to her.

“Would you have a word with your husband, please?” she said.

“Why?” smiled Donna.  “What has he done?”

“It’s what he won’t do!” said the nurse.  “I’ve tried persuading him to go home and take a break, but he won’t hear of it.  He looks absolutely shattered, but he’s adamant he won’t leave her!”

“I’ll talk to him” said Donna, glancing at her husband, who was asleep in a chair, Rosie curled up on his lap.  “But he can be pretty stubborn when he wants to be!  Sometimes I could quite cheerfully throttle him, but I think this time there are extenuating circumstances!  Don’t worry, I’ll persuade him somehow!”

As she walked into the room, she could see his grip on Rosie begin to loosen as he fell into a deeper sleep.  She began to slide down his knee towards the floor.  Donna crossed the room in two seconds flat, and caught her in her arms before she hit the floor.  She clung to her mother, crying with fright and confusion.  Jon sat up in the chair, forcing his eyes open, suddenly realising what had happened.

“You nearly dropped her!” said Donna, desperately trying to comfort her little girl.  “Now will you go home and get some sleep!!”

“I’m sorry!” he said, his eyes filling with tears.  “She’s all right, isn’t she?”

“Yes!” said Donna, putting her hand on his.  “She’s fine!  But she wouldn’t have been if I hadn’t caught her!  Go home, sweetheart, get some sleep!  You’re no use to anyone at the moment – look at you – you’re exhausted!  Go on, I’ll be okay – drink your coffee and go home to bed!”

“I don’t want to leave her!” he said, his voice breaking.  “It’s my fault she’s in here!  What if she asks for me?  What if…..”

Donna gently placed Rosie in her cot, and pulled the covers over her, as she drifted back off to sleep.  She crouched down in front of him, taking his hands in hers.

“Look!” she said, her voice gentle.  “Will you stop blaming yourself for this – right now!  She would have got it no matter what happened, whatever you did or didn’t do would have made no difference!  Come on, go home now, and come back tomorrow when you’ve had a good night’s sleep.  Things will look much better in the morning – you’ll see!”

Reluctantly, he finished his coffee, and kissing his wife and child, he left the room, gently closing the door.  The nurse at the desk looked up. 

“You don’t have to worry about her, dear” she said, her eyes full of concern.  “She’ll be fine with us!”

As he hesitated, glancing back through the door, she could sense his reluctance to leave. She got up and put her hand on his shoulder.

“You don’t want to leave her, do you?” she said, softly.  “Rosie’s a very lucky little girl to have a daddy who loves her so much, but you have needs, too, sweetheart!  There’s no shame in admitting that……   hey, come on, don’t cry!  It’s all right! Shh, it’s all right…”

She put her arm around his shoulders, gently guiding him to a chair next to her desk.

“Here!” she said, holding out a box of tissues.  “I knew this would happen the minute I saw you this morning!”

“Oh God, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to make an exhibition of myself!  You must think I’m so stupid!”

“Of course not, dear!” she said, her voice full of compassion and understanding.  “Anything that makes a grown man cry isn’t stupid!  You just sit there for a few minutes and compose yourself – take your time!  I don’t want you driving home in this state – you’re not safe!”

“This may sound daft to you” he said, as he stood up to leave.  “but right at this moment I’d give anything to see my mum walk through that door!  I need her so badly right now!”

“It doesn’t sound daft at all, dear!” said the nurse, sitting back down at her desk.  “Just because you’re a man doesn’t mean you stop needing your mum!”

“You know just what to say, don’t you?” he said.  “how do you know all the right things to say?”

“Simple” she replied, squeezing his hand.  “I’m a mother!”

Back at home, he picked the mail up from the mat, and took in the living room with him, throwing it on to the coffee table, without even looking at it.  He was too tired to read it, anyway.  He switched the kettle on, then switched it off again, making his way upstairs.  It did not take him long to go to sleep, he had been dangerously close to complete and utter exhaustion, and if he had kept on pushing himself, he would probably have ended up collapsing.  When he eventually woke up, it was morning, and the sun came streaming through the curtains  As he lay there, it suddenly hit him how quiet the house was without Donna, and especially Rosie!   He missed Donna’s gentle morning kiss, and Rosie’s delightful, infectious giggles – they made the sun shine on the darkest of days.  Still half asleep, he noticed a bottle of Donna’s perfume on the bedside table.  He picked it up, and opened it, taking in the sweet, heady scent.  It was only after he started sneezing that he realised it was the one he was allergic to!  Cursing under his breath, he put it back on the table, and forced himself out of bed, deciding to have a nice, warm shower to wake himself up properly.

As he sat there at the breakfast table alone, his mind was full of thoughts of his wife and child, when he heard the telephone ring.  He answered it straight away, thinking it was Donna, but it was his mother, asking how Rosie was.

“I’ve been worried sick about her!” she said, her voice trembling.  “Thank God’s she’s going to be all right – I felt so helpless being so far away!  I’ve been worried about you, too, love.  You sound tired, are you all right?”

“I’m fine, mum!” he said, fighting back tears.  Just at the moment, his mother’s voice sounded sweeter than any music he had ever heard.  “Honestly, I’m just tired, that’s all!  I came home to get some sleep, then I’m going to see her today – she should be home soon!”

“I’ve sent her a great big teddy bear!” she said.  “I take it you haven’t got it yet?”

“No, not yet!  I know I’m tired, but I think I would remember seeing a giant teddy bear on my sofa!”

“Watch it, young man!” laughed his mother.  “You’re not too big for a clip round the ear, just yet!  Let me know how she is, won’t you?  I wish I could see her more often.  I wish I could see you more often – sometimes I miss you so much!”

“Mum!  Please, don’t say that!  It doesn’t take much to make me cry at the moment!”

“Oh, love, please don’t!” she said, feeling her eyes fill with tears.  “I’ll talk to you soon, okay?  I love you!”

“I love you, too, mum!  Take care!”

He replaced the receiver, and picked up last night’s post from the coffee table.  He was thinking that, once again, it was all bills and junk mail, when one letter suddenly caught his eye.  It was handwritten, in a rather childish hand, he did not recognise it at all.  He was surprised it had reached him – with only his name and the town written on the envelope.  He stuffed it in his pocket, and made his way to the hospital.  As he sat there with Donna next to Rosie’s cot, he watched as she drifted off to sleep, then he ripped open the envelope.

“Who is it from?” said Donna, unable to contain her curiosity.

“It’s from Emily!” he said, his voice practically a whisper.  “She says that her parents have agreed to let her meet up with me, just the once, and spend some time together, then she’s not allowed to see me again after that.  It’s almost like giving someone a present, then taking it back again!”

“That’s better than nothing!” said Donna, taking the letter to read for herself.  “At least you’ll be able to have a nice long talk with her, and spend some time together.  I don’t think you’ll change the way her parents feel about you, so you’ll just have to settle for that!  Anyway, you said it would be better if you didn’t see her again, because it caused too much grief!  Do you think it’s a wise idea?”

“Just the once, Donna!” he said, holding her hands in his.  “It’ll only be the once!  Just to see her again, spend some time with her, just for one day, it’ll make the world of difference to the way I feel.  At the moment, it feels like a story without an ending, but once I’ve seen her, I’ll feel like I’ve written the final chapter!”

“Will it?” said Donna, glancing away from him, and stroking Rosie’s face.  “I’ve seen what a hold that little girl has over you, and I’ve a feeling that far from ending the story, you’ll only start writing it all over again!”

“No, I won’t!” he said, with that stubborn look she knew only too well.  “I know I can handle it!  Once I’ve seen her, I know I can walk away!”

“Can you?” said Donna, looking at him earnestly.  “I know you better than you know yourself, and I know you’ll never be able to just walk away!   Sometimes I wish you’d never seen her again!”

“Well, I did!” he snapped.  “and I’m going to see her, so deal with it!”

She looked up him, her eyes full of tears.  He hardly ever raised his voice to her, and it left her feeling hurt and confused.

“What’s happening to you, Jon?” she said, as the tears in her eyes began to spill down her face.  “You always used to live for me and our little girl!  Now it’s almost as though that isn’t enough!  You’ve changed so much since you saw her again – I hardly know you!  I feel as if I’m slowly losing you to someone I’ve never met!  It’s tearing me apart.  Please, if you love me, promise me you’ll give her up, please, promise me?”

“I can’t, Donna!  Please, don’t talk about losing me!  Please, try and understand!  I don’t want to lose you!”

“No!”   She was beside herself.  “You try and understand!  I love you too much to see your heart broken time and time again knowing I’m powerless to stop it!  It’s up to you, Jon!  Make your choice!”