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Crime and Thriller
The Chase (again! Sorry I had posting issues before!)
By FatCat
20 March 2007
This was written for a game with a friend, and as it has no other place to go I thought it could live here!! Scary bloody type stuff may well not be my strong point, but it was a fun first try!!

...he pushed open the door slightly and tried to peer through the small gap. The room behind the door was dark, and a gentle breeze brushed his face bringing an unpleasant and sour smell to his nose. After waiting a few seconds, and no movement being made in the room beyond, he pushed the door the rest of way and gingerly stepped through into the room. The dirty white curtains were shut, but rippling gently as the window behind them was open a fraction. He stepped forward as lightly as possible in his heavy boots, trying to be silent, keeping his back to the wall as he walked. He scanned the rest of the room, an old TV stood in the corner, the glass cracked and the buttons broken a long time ago. There was a dark green corduroy chair positioned in front of the TV, stained and dirty, that had not been sat upon for some time, the fabric was covered in dust and the arms were thread bare where once it had been a favourite seat. A small wooden table was underneath the window, the once white surface was now yellow, with many sticky coffee cup rings in the middle.

He walked around the edge of the room and paused at the door frame at the other end. He listened again and tried to peek through the small gap of the door that was open, on hearing nothing he proceeded to push the door open and slowly look around it. It was the bathroom of the apartment, narrow and grimy, white appliances now a dirty brown, scum everywhere, he wrinkled his nose in disgust. As he looked further around the room, something in the corner caught his eye, and he turned to face it. He visibly recoiled as the full realisation of what he was seeing hit him, then once he had collected himself he sighed slightly. In the corner of the room was a small toilet, covered in the same dirt as the rest of the room, however the dirt on the toilet was nothing compared to what surrounded it. Chained to the cistern were the bloody remains of a person, the chain was wrapped around the twisted mess that had once been slender ankles, the remainder of the body was sprawled out, face down on the floor, fingers spread with bloody streak marks reaching out from them as if this person had tried to crawl away. Their clothes were ripped revealing a purple bruised back and shoulders, a once white shirt was almost completely stained red, there was no longer any clothing covering the lower part of the body, the legs were badly burned and still weeping. He forced himself to look upwards at the face of the body, his heart sunk further when he did. A mass of wavy blonde hair was knotted and now bloody at the top of the head, on the left side of the skull there was a large deep groove, as though it had been hit hard, and with malice. He knew he had to check the face, there was no way of knowing for sure if he didn’t. He crouched and down edged forward towards the body, he slowly reached out his hands and gently rolled the corpse over trying to not taint himself with the blood that now seemed to cover everything in the room. Lifeless blue eyes met his, dried blood tracks showed that blood had flowed from the nose and ears just a short while ago. He couldn’t help wondering the final thoughts that had entered the mind now shattered and dead in front of him. He rose, reached for his phone and dialled the number he knew so well.

"it’s done, but it wasn’t us. He knows we know the book", he didn’t wait for an answer, just snapped his phone shut and walked away without the slightest urge to look back.

Reviews
Found it at last!
Written by Bagheera (679 comments posted) 27th March 2007
Hi FatCat! 
I did look for this a coup[le of times without success, it must have registered AFTER my last attempt (I can see there have been a number of people looking at it - 33 I think - since then). 
 
This works as the intro to a "whodunnit" type of story, and I can see you having fun making it into the plotline of an "adventure-type" video game [if that's what you were hinting at in your intro??] 
 
The central paragraph will probably be easier for the Reader if you break it into smaller paras - it LOOKS a lot to take in set out the way it is. 
 
For example:-  
sentence up to ...same dirt as the rest of the room, .... 
I would opt for FULL STOP, CAPITAL LETTER where you've used a COMMA. 
 
 
There are a few other places where you could do the same sort of thing, including ONE eg. where the COMMA is gramatically the wrong CHOICE @ " ..... He knows we know the book", .... ETC 
At this piont FULL STOP is the ONLY option ..... :grin  
 
Hope this helps you get started - welcome to GW!!

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