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Shorts
Cave Man - (506 words)
By wattle
20 March 2007
wattle - no one special, just a dreamer who found an old pen.

For three days she had taken an evening stroll through the grassy area winding among the palm trees, ‘bathing’ in the cool of the autumn freshness. Her demeanour overflowing with a calm joy as she took advantage of newly acquired freedom to stimulate her skin with the fresh taste of contentment; recently blossomed maturity pulsing like a beacon through smooth, pure, firm, budding curves.

 
He had noticed her wandering the palm garden. It was impossible for him to ignore her. He had tried to intersect with her last night but she had kept moving and it was as if his presence had gone unnoticed. Tonight would be different, as the evening cooled and with the first hint of dew across the grass he had selected his favoured club and was now sitting quietly between the Golden Cane and a large Cycad.

 
Sure enough, with the distant flicker of a television set indicated the commencement of Law and Order SVU she made her appearance. Slowly at first, cautiously following a safe path with a clear view to each side. There was hesitation in her movement not seen before, it was as if alarm bells were sounding a warning, yet with time she settled and confidence entered her movement as she wandered further towards the open space where the scent of the evening freshness was strongest.

 
She had passed the Alexandra Palms, making her way towards the clump of Elizabeth Palms with their inviting perfume on the air. He jumped to his feet and ran forward with his club extended making a sweeping strike that caught her unaware tumbling her to the ground on her left side. Dazed and unsure what was going on, she instinctively rolled onto her tummy and lifted herself, again he struck this time a with heavy direct blow across her spine. She fell to the ground immediately taking two further blows. A third heavy timed blow gave off a crack, she quivered momentarily before motionlessness entered her body; he had shattered her spine. A victory smile came to his face, he gloated for a moment before rolling her onto her back. The pure lines of her post adolescent form still offering succulent youth and maturity. Her teary helpless eyes stared up with defenceless pity etched across his reflection.

 
He pushed his club to her throat crushing her windpipe and watched without feeling as she struggled to find air. Eventually her soft body fell limp, as the last of her young life had melted away. Without hesitating he put down his club and carried her lifeless body the few meters to a waiting pit, dropped her in to rot with the compost.

 
He walked to the house, placed his club by the back door and slumped to a chair in front of the television. His wife poured him a beer uttering, “So you got her.” He took a large swig and through a confident stare said, “Her DNA has been extinguished; the only good Cane Toad is a dead Cane Toad.”

Reviews

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 20th March 2007
Well you certainly know to keep an eye out for the unexpected in your work wattle! I started off thinking that the opening was overdone but it makes more sense in light of the ending which had me laughing in surprise. And that's not even mentioning the shock when I thought he was butchering some innocent young girl...You had me with this one, surreal, completely bizarre but personally I loved it. 
 
Elli 
 
ps. Could do with a bit of a proof read in places :grin

Written by anorwegianwood (278 comments posted) 20th March 2007
I also liked the surrealism of this piece and the surprise of the ending. My one criticism is that there are a few sentence fragments and run-ons. I can understand using fragments and run-ons stylistically, but there were a few too many for me. It didn't always read naturally. Other than that, a very nice piece. 
 
~Claire

Written by Lizzy (800 comments posted) 20th March 2007
I enjoyed this and what a surprise ending. I was beginning to think it was nasty but when it turned out to be a toad I smiled. Thinking again though not a nice way for a toad to die so I've decided it is nasty, though well written.

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 20th March 2007
Just at the point where the man with the club broke 'her' spine, I had an idea that 'she' had to be an animal and not a human being. Poor old toad, but at least it was quick.  
 
My brother- and sister-in-law are Australian (from Toowoomba -- sp?) and bend our ears with tales of the noxious cane toads. And they do sound awful, with their toxicity and voracious appetites, but do I detect some sympathy from you? Is there anyone who likes cane toads? And how about possums?  
 
You've already been chided about the proof-reading, so I won't jump on the bandwagon. But my fingers were itching . . .

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 20th March 2007
I've just reread the first paragraph and had a real laugh -- 'he'd tried to intersect with her last night' and 'her budding curves.' Nice. Somehow those phrases got me so nervous during the first read that I didn't register them. . .

Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 20th March 2007
A good read due to the twisting story line. Some nice flowery words and passages, but as already mentioned it does need an overhaul on the gramma front. 
Just a few examples: 
He had noticed her wondering the palm garden(wandering?)  
entered her movement as she wondered(wandered?) 
Dazed and unsure what was going on, she instinctively rolled onto her tummy and lifting herself.(and lifting herself what?) Again he struck(,) this time with a... 
A third heaver timed blow(heaver, as in someone who is throwing up?). 
He pushed his club to her throat crushing her windpipe and watch(ed) without feeling as she struggled to find air.(I struggled to find air after reading that passage - Comma anyone?). 
Hope this helps - Keep up the good work. 

Written by Tusk (53 comments posted) 20th March 2007
The spelling is a bit shoddy but it's still a good peice. It definately needed a re-read, which is a good thing.Where the man says "Her DNA has been extinguished"...I'm not too sure about it, sounds a bit corny. Loved the twists.
Cricket bats and cane toads
Written by patterjack (1196 comments posted) 20th March 2007
Club used ? ? driver for distance and power ? -- sandwedge for chop and lift ? 
 
Cricket bats are good if you catch them on the long hop . 
 
I am still amazed that people keept them as pets , and even dress them in doll's clothes  
 
patterjack

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 21st March 2007
Well it certainly had me fooled. I have never heard of a cane toad so made the obvious conclusion. Nice twist at the end which is just what a short story demands. 
Talk of her DNA being extinguished puzzled me I didn't know cane farmers were so lyrical 
cheers 
J

Written by johniebg (541 comments posted) 21st March 2007
... found this very confusing. I have no idea what a cane toad is but I guess it is a frog type thing. Some of your descriptions felt 'off' even before I knew the punchline. I doubt frogs take evening strolls and trying to 'intersect' with her? Almost like you tied yourself in knots trying to hide that he was stalking a frog. 
 
For my mind ...

Written by NeilTollfree (51 comments posted) 21st March 2007
Good fun. It was suitably nasty enough to raise a smile of relief at the ending. 
A little confusing in places as mentioned above. 

Written by Jimmy15 (12 comments posted) 21st March 2007
A really enjoyable read. 
I could certainly see the "twist" coming, but the last thing I was imagining was a Cane Toad being the object of this persons violence! 
 
Thanks!

Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 22nd March 2007
Haha very good. A fun piece with a surprise ending, although i didn't quite understand the DNA bit. The over the top opening and alluring language had me suspecting something may go awry (i was sensing a stalker, i was kind of right!), but i was still surprised.

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