Chapter 11

It was 2.30am, and the night was still and quiet.  Donna had been finding it very difficult to sleep, for one reason or another, and, for what seemed like the umpteenth time that night, she woke up.  She turned over, and noticed that the other side of the bed was empty.  She got out of bed, and after quickly checking on Rosie, she made her way downstairs.  As she slowly opened the living room door, she could see the soft glow of the tiffany lamp – what on earth was going on?

“Jon?” she said, gently closing the door.  “Why are you sitting down here in the dark?  Can’t you sleep?”

“Looks like I’m not the only one” he said, as she sat down beside him, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Come on” she said, softly.  “Come back to bed!  You’re not going to achieve anything by sitting down here!”

“I don’t want to!  I can’t sleep, so what’s the point?  I’ve got so many things going round in my head at the moment, I just can’t think straight.”

As he spoke, Donna noticed he was holding a piece of paper in his hand, it was Emily’s letter.  Her heart sank as she realised where this was leading.  Would he ever learn, she thought.

“I know what you’re thinking about!” she said, taking the letter from his hand, and placing it on the table.  “You want me to tell you what you should do, but I can’t!  It’s got to be your decision.  I can’t tell you how to feel – you’re the only one who knows how much it means to see her this one last time…..”

“One last time!” he said, his voice trembling.  “Why does it have to be like this, Donna?  Can’t they see I only want to be her friend, and make her happy?  I love her, I would never hurt her!  How can I make them change their minds?”

“You can’t, love!” said Donna, holding him close, choosing her words very carefully.  “I just said I can’t tell you how to feel, the same goes for them, too!  They are her parents!”

“Parents!!  What kind of parents dump their child in a residential home and forget she exists, then only decide they want her after someone else has repaired the damage they’ve done!  They’re not fit to be parents, they……”

“Jon!  Please, stop shouting!  You’ll wake Rosie!”

“I don’t care! Stop telling me what to do!”

“Maybe you should!” said Donna, as, if on cue, the sound of plaintive cries came from upstairs.  “She should be your priority!”

“She is!” he said, his eyes filling with tears.  “Oh Jesus, Donna!  What’s happening to me?”

“You’re obsessed!” she said, getting up and moving towards the door.  “That’s what’s happening to you!  You’re obsessed with that little girl, you can’t get her out of your head – and I don’t like it!”

Without waiting for a reply, she went upstairs to Rosie.  As she walked around the room, singing softly to a still very sleepy little girl, she heard her husband come upstairs, and go straight into their bedroom.  It was most unlike him not to come to his little girl if she was upset.  She lay Rosie back down in her cot, and got back into bed.  As she lay there in the darkness, she heard a muffled sob from the other side of the bed.  She put her hand out and gently touched his face.

“Donna!”  His voice was practically a whisper.  “Do you still love me?”

She put her arms round him, and pulled him close.

“Oh, sweetheart!” she said, feeling the sting of tears in her eyes.  “Of course I do!  I love you more than life itself – why do you think it hurts me so much to see you like this?  Come on, try and get some sleep – we’ll talk about it in the morning!”

Next morning, after breakfast, Rosie was very reluctant to get out of her chair, and, no matter what she did, Donna could not persuade her to move.  She tried to lift her, but she struggled so much she was afraid she would drop her.  This was all she needed, she thought, as if she hadn’t got enough on her plate already.  Losing her temper, she sat her back down, and returned to the living room, sitting down on the sofa, and folding her arms.

“You deal with her!” she snapped, shooting evil glares in Jon’s direction.  “She might listen to you!”

“Okay!” he said, not wanting to disagree with her in her present mood.

He went into the kitchen, and, not giving her a chance to protest, he hauled Rosie out of her chair, and carried her, kicking and screaming, into the living room.

“Have you finished?” he said, as he held her in mid air.  “Because my arms are getting tired holding you like this!”

“Put her down then!” said Donna, trying to stifle her laughter.  “Let her get on with it!”

As he lowered Rosie to the ground, she continued to kick.  One kick connected, and he dropped to his knees on the floor, doubled up in agony.  The pain was so intense it rendered him speechless for a couple of minutes.

“Are you all right, love?” said Donna, as Rosie sat there on the floor, a look of utter bewilderment on her face.  “I don’t think she meant to kick you!”

“Well!” he said, when he finally managed to regain his power of speech.  “Let’s put it like this, I think my high tenor is a little higher now!”

“I’m sorry!” said Donna, tears of laughter rolling down her face.  “I know it isn’t funny!  It’s just the look on your face when you said that!   It was a picture!”

“Oh yes!” he said, slowly getting to his feet, and very gingerly lowering himself on to the sofa.  “Absolutely bloody hilarious!  I’m wetting myself!”

As the laughter gradually died away, he suddenly became very thoughtful.

“I’ve been thinking about this, Donna!” he said, taking her hands in his.  “I’ve come to the conclusion that the only way to get this out of my system, and get back on an even keel, is to meet Emily just for one last time, like they suggested.  When it’s over, I can concentrate on the people who matter to me most – you and Rosie!”

“Whatever makes you happy, love!” said Donna, doubtfully. “But do you think it’ll be that easy?”

“Why shouldn’t it be?” he said, looking surprised at her response.   “It’s the only way, Donna!  Then I can put it all behind me!”

“If you say so, love!” she said, her smile hiding the doubts in her mind.

It was arranged that he would meet Emily at her parents house, then, when they had had the chance to speak to him, and lay down a few ground rules, he would take her out for the day.

“It’s not that we don’t trust you” began her father

“Could have fooled me” he thought, but kept his temper with difficulty.

“but” he continued  “we want to keep Emily’s life as free of upset and upheaval as possible, therefore after this meeting, we don’t want any further contact.  Is that clear?”

Why is he talking to me like I’m still at school, he thought, struggling to contain himself.  He could not get over his nerve – upset and upheaval?  Well, they should know all about that – they had caused most of it in the first place!  Still, they were here now, and, if he wanted to spend time with Emily, he had to abide by their rules, no matter how unreasonable they were.

When her father had finally finished his lecture, he took Emily out to his car, and putting her wheelchair into the boot, he carefully strapped her into the front seat.  She asked him where they were going, but he would not tell her.

“It’s a surprise!” he said, smiling fondly at her.  “Wait until we get there!”

Her eyes lit up when she realised that they were at the picnic spot he had taken her to just after she had began to speak again.  It was a little too cold for a picnic, so they just walked through the park, talking about anything and everything.  Why couldn’t it always be like this, he thought.

“Where would you like to go now?” he said, kneeling down in front of her chair, as she wrapped her arms around his neck.  “You suggest something!”

“I want to go to McDonalds!” she said, her eyes lighting up.  “I want a McFlurry with smarties in it!”

“I think I can manage that!” he said, turning her chair round, and pushing her back to the car.  They parked the car in a disabled bay, and he got out, making his way around to the boot to get her wheelchair out.  Before he could do so, a very angry looking lady descended upon him.

“These are disabled bays!” she snapped, pointing at his car.

“Yes, I know!” he said, calmly, feeling his temper rising.

“You don’t look all that disabled to me!” she said, folding her arms, a look of disdain on her face.

“I’m not!” he replied, opening the boot.  “but she is!”

“Well, how was I to know!” she snapped, beginning to walk off.

“Well, you could always try engaging your brain before putting your mouth in gear!”
he called after her, causing Emily to giggle hysterically.

When they were comfortably seated at a table, with Emily working her way through a smartie-covered McFlurry, he suddenly could not think of anything to say. Emily noticed his unease, and looked up at him, her eyes full of concern, and said:

“What’s the matter?  Don’t you like that cheeseburger?”

He looked at her, smiling in spite of himself.  If only it were that simple…..

“No, it’s not that!” he said.  “I was just thinking how much I’ll miss you after today!  I wish your parents would let me see you again!”

“So do I!” she said, taking his hand in hers.  “I keep telling them that you’re my best friend, but they won’t listen!  They say you’ll forget about me!  But you won’t, I know you won’t!”

“Of course I won’t!” he said, desperately trying to swallow the lump in his throat.  “How could I ever forget you?  Maybe if they know what a good time you’ve had today, they’ll change their minds!”

“No, they won’t!” she said, sadly, looking down at the table.  “They won’t!  We’ll just have to make the most of this!  They said that when we get home, I can watch a video with you before you go home!  Can we do that?”

“Whatever you want!” he said, hoping she didn’t notice the tremor in his voice.

When they returned to Emily’s house, her parents supplied them with tea and biscuits, and put her favourite video on – the much loved Disney film – Bambi.

They sat there together in silence, Emily with her head on his chest, her arms wrapped around him.  As it came to the part where Bambi’s mother was killed, Emily said in a tiny voice:

“This bit’s really sad, isn’t it!  It always makes me cry!”

“Me too!”

She looked up in surprise, as he sat there with tears rolling down his face.  She took her handkerchief from her pocket, and gently wiped them away.  Anyone else watching this tender little scene unfold would not fail to be moved, but as Emily’s parents watched, they hardened their hearts, and vowed they would not change their minds.  Finally, all too soon, the time came for them to part.  He took Emily in his arms, and held her close.  She clung to him, her arms around his neck, crying as if her heart would break, he was close to joining her, but he did not want to give her parents the satisfaction of seeing him break down.

“I don’t want you to go, Jon!” she sobbed, as he gently tried to remove her arms from around his neck.  “I want you to stay here with me!  I want you to come and see me again!”

“Please, Emily!” he begged, feeling his throat tighten, as his grip on his self control began to give.  “Don’t make it any harder than it already is!  You know I’ll never forget you, and we’ll keep in touch!  You can ring me whenever you want, and I’ll ring you, and write to you!  Please, I have to go now!”

“I love you!” she wept, as her father picked her up, and held open the front door for him.  “I’ll always love you!  You’ll always be my best friend!”

He did not trust himself to say any more, so he just got into his car and drove away, not looking back.

It was late when he finally arrived home, but Donna was still waiting up for him.  As she heard his key in the door, she switched the TV off, and turned to face him.  One look at him told her everything, without him having to say a single word.  The look of love and concern on her face finally broke him.  She held out her arms, and he stumbled blindly into them, clinging to her like a drowning person to a  liferaft.  Her heart ached for him as he began to sob without shame or restraint.  She knew this would happen, but had been powerless to stop it.

“Don’t say a word, Donna!” he wept.  “Please, just hold me!”

She held him close until he eventually fell quiet.  He had told her not to say a word, but from the moment he had stepped through the door, she knew words were pointless.  She had talked until she was blue in the face, and where had it got her?  One look at her husband's pain-filled eyes and tearstained face gave her the answer - precisely nowhere.