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Poetry
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A travelers reason
By -jellyacey-
22 March 2007
I'm bored, this is really bad, but I say "why not give it a try?"

I have no direction,
But I have a destination,

There is a big difference in that.

 
I am lost my dear,

I have been traveling for a year,

But it seems I have forgotten my map.

 
The girl contemplated,

The traveler just waited,

The girl asked “What do you need?”

 
“I am hungry and thirsty

I have passed the age of thirty

Yet I look like a runt with no food.”

 
The girl then thought

Is this what he brought

Or is there another reason to this?

 
No traveler would forget his map

It’s stupid to forget a map

Maybe there’s a deep reason for his traveling.

 
She thought to herself,

He is hiding himself,

A reason I can not ignore.

 
She asked the traveler,

“What is it o dear traveler

The real reason you have come.”

 
The traveler cleared his mind,

He tried to unwind,

“I will tell her when the time has come”

 
“Fine I will help you,

please next when you do,

when you go out remember your map”

 
“My reason my dear,

for traveling for a year,

is to see my darling daughter today.”

“Then I am sorry my good man,

Forgive me if you can,

And I wish you see your daughter real soon.”

 
The traveler let out a laugh,

A very fruitful laugh,

And said “dear I have now found you.”

Reviews

Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 22nd March 2007
I suppose this is a nice idea Jelly - but it needs a lot of work. You're young, and English isn't your first language - so there's lots to admire. However, your intro says it all. If you don't think it's so good, work on it a little more until you think it is and then post. This piece would merit more time. It has potential. 
 
Phil.

Written by Fledermaus (3306 comments posted) 23rd March 2007
Why didn't you make a short story out of it? The content is nice indeed, but as a poem it doesn't work. I bet that if you had made prose out of it this would have been so much better. 
That said I am amazed that someone of 13 could write this in a language which is probably very foreign from your own. You must either have a great teacher, be a genious, or both.

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 23rd March 2007
There's the basis of an idea here. Couple of suggestions - you need to make this a little less narrative - it reads like prose in a lot of places. Also, think about the important things you want to say and make it much shorter - you'll have more impact that way. Finally, don;t feel you have to rhyme. It can be a really useful tool but if you're forcing the content around the rhymes then it starts to fall apart. Keep working at it. 
 
Elli

Written by -jellyacey- (22 comments posted) 24th March 2007
thanks:D I'll try to make a story out of it, it might benifit children like me:D thanks for the advice:D

Written by -jellyacey- (22 comments posted) 24th March 2007
thanks:D I'll try to make a story out of it, it might benifit children like me:D thanks for the advice:D

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