Inspired by rui's Samsung story. Not sure why it inspired this, but it did.
The next service is the District Line service to Dagenham East. Customers for stations to Upminster are advised to take this service and change at Dagenham East. And hope. I don’t know what you’re meant to do then, your guess is as good as mine. Catch a bus, maybe. If you’re rich, you might take a taxi. If you can find one. They haven’t told me when the next Upminster service will be.
For those of you that are not sure what a service is, it used to be called a train. We don’t have any trains any more. We only have services. If you’re confused, they look just like the old tube trains.
This service will not be stopping at Upton Park, due to refurbishment work for your convenience. Oh dear, I can see by some of your expressions that some of you were hoping to alight at Upton Park, and find the closure less than convenient. I’m sorry. Really. I am gutted by it. If it was in my power, I’d open it just for you, honestly I would.
Customers requiring Upton Park are requested to alight at Plaistow. Your tickets will be valid on Transport for London busses. Though, to be honest, I went to Upton Park once, and in my opinion you’re better off not going there. Oh, I’m sure there are some delightful spots tucked away if you know where to look, and I’m sure the people there are charming. But the day I went it was raining.
Customers are reminded that there is no smoking anywhere on Transport for London. You will just have to wait until you get outside. You’ll know where you can light up; the pavement will be completely covered with old gum.
I’m Mike, by the way. I’ll be your announcer for the day.
Today is my birthday. Thanks for caring. Every day you queue up on my platform, eagerly anticipating your journey home, thinking about your loving family awaiting your arrival, wondering what culinary delights will be steaming on the dining table when you walk through the door. Narry a thought for me, working until ten tonight, trying to gently steer you on your way. I’ll be lucky if the Chinese take-away will still be open when I get home tonight. Not that I expected a present or anything. But a card would have been nice. Maybe even a cheery greeting.
Oh, no, don’t bother now. If I have to ask for it, it doesn’t count.
The District Line Service is now arriving. Please stand behind the yellow line. No, behind the yellow line. The wall side, not the track side. Look, it’s just your own time you’re wasting. If you don’t get back behind the line we won’t play. Thank you.
Mind the gap. We have asked the driver to park closer to the platform, but he won’t.
Please let customers off of the service before attempting to board it. Please allow customers alighting from the train to get on the platform before you try to get on board. Please let… oh, never mind, just push and shove like animals, what do I care?
This service is ready to depart. Please mind the doors.
OK, for the gentleman that just delayed the departure of this service, the doors are the big slidey things that just hit you on the arse. Once more. Please mind the doors.
Thank you for choosing Transport for London.
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Hello Snoddy
Written by stevetroster (1600 comments posted) 22nd March 2007 |
Very amusing...so why isn't it in comedy then? Go on, be brave, after all you only have to compete with BBS!
Two quick points about the piece:
1) For some reason I thought that it was a woman doing the chat, so perhaps you should put Mike in at the beginning.
2)"Oh, I’m sure there are some delightful spots tucked away if you know where to look" Err..no there aren't, and it's even worse with night-vision goggles on! Which reminds me, I must get my night-scope adjusted.
Best wishes, kind regards, etc.
Estee (now I'm off to read Samsung) |
Written by anorwegianwood (278 comments posted) 22nd March 2007 |
Wow, can you actually understand the announcer? The Philadelphia train system announcements are either prerecorded and played on a sound system that was probably there before the Liberty Bell cracked, or read by someone who's either drunk or eating shredded wheat, or both. I don't even listen to the announcement. I have to count the stops.
Fun piece, liked it.
~Claire |
Written by Anyanka (33 comments posted) 22nd March 2007 |
Boy, am I glad that my commuting days area long over.
I see this as a television piece - the tannoy completely unintelligible as always, except for the occasional snippet of a word which comes out with extraordinary clarity (as in the Fast Show's 'Very very drunk' sketches). The camera is at bum-height, and frequently obscured, and gives no additional information at all. And then all the above in subtitles.
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Great Stuff
Written by Jimmy15 (12 comments posted) 22nd March 2007 |
I really enjoyed reading this, and was tickled by the announcers attitude.
If only they were allowed to carry on like that... |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3571 comments posted) 22nd March 2007 |
This reminded me of a Woody Allen sketch where he was getting bullied by a lift, don't know why exactly. Nice concept and you kept the gag going.Has definite commercial possibilities- the sort of thing you hear on the Now Show or Parsons and Naylor on R4. Why not submit
cheers
J |
Written by ellipinnock (1790 comments posted) 22nd March 2007 |
This really amused me. Particularly like the bit about them asking the driver to park closer to the platform...
Mind you, round here there seem to be a profusion of yellow boxes that talk to you in a manner that can only be described as jerky - makes me want to vandalise them...
And if you want to leave Birmingham on a Sunday then God help you because no-one else can.
E |
Written by Fledermaus (3492 comments posted) 22nd March 2007 |
| You remind me of a bus-driver in Dublin who couldn't stop talking. Yet the content of this narrator's monologue seems to fit any big city. |
Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 22nd March 2007 |
Enjoyed this Snods - and wouldn't it make travel just that little more unbearable - having some pitiful geek moaning about his life.
'For customer convenience' - the most ill thought-through phrase.
Good stuff.
(And it belongs here where you chose it to be placed. A funny story, not a funny script.)
Phil. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 22nd March 2007 |
If I had that announcer's job, this is exactly what I'd do. Whine and moan about everything -- and what joy! A captive audience who'd have to listen to me!
My favorite part of this was the bit where he announced that it was his birthday -- a very nice touch.
In Japan, train announcers cultivate a nasal whine that is just unbelievable. And they remind you of all sorts of things -- not to forget your umbrella or coat, to watch out for gropers, to be careful when the floor is slippery -- and yes, to mind the gap. They also tell you when there's been a suicide on the line which has delayed the trains -- all part of the 'service.' |
Written by Snodlander (507 comments posted) 22nd March 2007 |
| Oh, we are all so human. On the tube, when a suicide is announced all the commuters look shocked and concerned. But within 10 seconds everyone slyly looks at their watch... |
Written by Lizzy (828 comments posted) 22nd March 2007 |
This sums up all train travel announcements (or it should)
I'm sure that on one journey from Birminghan to London they had employed Richie Benaugh(cricket!) to do the announcements! |
Written by Glossa (18 comments posted) 23rd March 2007 |
| Very good. I was on a train from Milton Keynes to London sometime last year and it was delayed. Every time the guard made an announcement giving the increasingly late expected arrival time, he put on a different silly accent. It made everyone smile instead of complaining, except for the chap who'd got on the first train that came in and then realised he was going in the wrong direction, with no stops! |
Written by rui (150 comments posted) 23rd March 2007 |
I liked this, it felt like a natural monologue spoken by a person who is really bored with his job.
On the tube on one occasion, the platform announcer was trying to use a new remote microphone so that he could make platform-specific announcements like that. Only it got hijacked by a party of Japanese schoolgirls who wanted to do the speaking for him.
I think there's latitude for a lot of monologues like this - people in phenomenally dull jobs whom we normally ignore. |
Written by Katsinella (28 comments posted) 24th March 2007 |
So wonderfully readable, and a great reflection back to me of how silly our (my) rat run life can be.
Thanks! |
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