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Transpiration &Expiration

By lit_lover

22 March 2007

i wanted to write a haiku using the technique of compare & contrast
this is my first attempt I but I just tried .

Bright sun

Darkened face

Swooning leaves

replaced

Scorching words

Darkening hearts

Severing Relationship

Irreparable

Reviews

Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 22nd March 2007

I don't think that these are haikus - which usually follow 5-7-5 syllabic pattern.

These appear to be 2-3-3-2 and 3-4-7-5 ???

Strange...

Oli
:roll

Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 22nd March 2007

With Oli on this. To my understanding, not a Haiku. Howeer, the second has something. Worth developing?

Phil.

Written by Fledermaus (3306 comments posted) 22nd March 2007

Indeed. No haikus, but the first one has a nice rythm and the second one a very good last line.

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 23rd March 2007

I liked the first half of this very much. Less keen on the second. Whatever it is, it's interesting and probably worth developing...

Elli

Transpiration & Expiration
Written by CliffBowes (176 comments posted) 23rd March 2007

The thought behind these two is very 'haikuish' if not technically so.
A couple of nice thoughtful verses. I would be interested to see the results of your developing them into a 5-7-5 syllabic pattern whilst retaining the essence of them.
Cliff

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