[INT. AN OLD TRAFFORD MATCH OFFICIAL, CLIVE FERGUSON (UNQUESTIONABLY NO RELATION), AND BLONDE BOMBSHELL TINA, DRESSED IN A BLACK REFEREE’S KIT, ARE IN THE TUNNEL AWAITING THE BIG GAME. THE HUGE CROWD CAN BE HEARD OUTSIDE]
NARRATOR: Britain’s first female Premiership referee is receiving her final briefing, before taking the field to officiate the sometimes slightly heated encounter between Manchester United and Liverpool. Unfortunately, she is from Cumbria, where football was only introduced two years ago, and still lags well behind the far more popular local pastimes of face-pulling, dry-stone walling, fox genocide, and intimate relations with first cousins.
CLIVE [LOOKING AT HIS WATCH, AGITATED]: Kick-off’s in one minute, love. Can y’get y’boots on?
TINA [MANICURING]: Stop rushin’ me. I’ve only got t’paint two more nails. [LOOKING AT HER NAILS AGAINST HER KIT] D’yer really think this shade o’ peach goes wi’ black? Can ah not wear a red uniform? This’ll clash with them line judges.
CLIVE: Unfortunately, pet, one o’ the teams are in red, and you might get confused wi’ - [TAILS OFF AS HE REALISES SHE WILL STAND OUT A MILE, ANYWHERE]
TINA: Is that Manchester?
CLIVE: United. Yes.
TINA: Are you sure? Sez in mi 'Wags Weekly' that Liverpool are red.
CLIVE: They’re playing away.
TINA: In what sense?
CLIVE: Now, y’might find the atmosphere a bit rough out there, petal.
TINA: It’s not still rainin’, is it? Can we not ‘ave this another day? I only did me ‘air this morning.
CLIVE: Don’t let it get to you. We’ve checked yuv ‘ad yer time o’ the month, so all the players should be safe.
TINA: And we’ll be finished by a quarter to five, yeah?
CLIVE: Er- thereabouts. Normally we give United a last minute penalty. To avoid any late-night traffic congestion.
TINA: Smashin’. Cuz there’s a bedspread ah’m after at the Arndale Centre. Proper quilted, like. [THINKS FOR A MOMENT] Mebbe ah’ll wait till ah go to Bolton on Tuesday. What d’y’reckon?
CLIVE: Right, got yer whistle, cards, notebook, pen…
TINA: D’y think ah’ll need all that? I’ve got an eyebrow pencil. And some moisturiser.
CLIVE: All that paraphernalia ‘as t’stay behind, darlin’.
TINA: It’s not bin tested on animals.
CLIVE: Yuv not bin t’Manchester before, ‘ave you. Right, c’mon, out there! Now!
[THE TWO REFEREE’S ASSISTANTS ARRIVE, BOTH ALSO EXAGGERATED BLONDE BOMBSHELLS, AND THE THREE LADIES SAUNTER OUT, EYEING EACH OTHER JUDGMENTALLY FROM TOP TO BOTTOM]
CLIVE (CONTD.): … inter the lion’s den.
[TINA SUDDENLY RUSHES BACK]
TINA: Eee, worr'am I like. Forgot me ‘andbag. [PICKS UP THE HANDBAG. LOOKS DOWN AT HERSELF, THEN AT CLIVE] What d’y think’s best? With? [WHIPS UP HER SHIRT TO REVEAL NO BRA] Or without?
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Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 23rd March 2007 |
How gratifying! It's about time someone gave women in refereeing some serious treatment.
was greatly cheered by this, as I suspect I could give Tina some useful sports pointers myself, and I've only just recently learned that Manchester City and Manchester United are actually two different teams.
This really was wall-to-wall laughs, from your amusing description of Cumbrians ('gurning' that face-pulling is called, isn't it?) to Tina's greater interest in getting her toenails the right color. Loved it. |
HI Coosh
Written by jean.day (2326 comments posted) 23rd March 2007 |
| I agree with Mary. This was very funny. I don't mind you makeing jokes about females if they are asking for it, as it were. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3446 comments posted) 23rd March 2007 |
You're not really Givitsum in disguise are you? Are you sure Tina isn't a distant relation to Molly Arbuckle. I would love to do a reply to this but I know absolutely nothing about kick-ball. I remember standing on the touchline when my lad was younger watching him playing kick-ball and wondering when it would end.
I think you got just about every possible gag you could out of this. And each gag topped the last one!
The boy done good
J |
Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 24th March 2007 |
A daft wee doodle, and a pale shade of the master, Mr. Givitsum.
Trying to script my nightmares is proving helpful.
Witzl and Jean - nice to see you have made so much progress in the understanding of the beautiful game, and women's place therein. Heartwarming.
BBS - lucky you know bugger all, as I fear you would win hands down.
Many thanks. |
Written by Phil (6838 comments posted) 24th March 2007 |
Enjoyed very much. Started well with description of life in Cumbria and I kept on sniggering from there.
Good stuff.
Phil. |
Written by Lizzy (822 comments posted) 24th March 2007 |
Enjoyed this.
I have no interest at all in football so I'm with the blonde ref. (Only I'm not blonde or a bombshell as as for going topless. The mind boggles!) |
coosh
Written by fellpony (1656 comments posted) 24th March 2007 |
"popular local pastimes of face-pulling, dry-stone walling, fox genocide, and intimate relations with first cousins"
You forgot activities with sheep on the edges of cliffs (undertaken only in dire need, eg when the first cousins are away murdering foxes).
could've got in the one about their high heels sticking in the grass, too.
I must read this aloud to husband when he's watching the beautiful game this evening on BBC 
Sue
(up in Cumbria)
|
Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 25th March 2007 |
Cheers Phil and Lizzy, gentle stuff, I know... although, without a photo of you Lizzy....
Great, Sue! I think that more or less completes the set - particularly the extreme sports angle - I prefer to have mine dipped first, and not sheared. Assuming your husband is English, it will take a lot more that this bit o' nonsense to raise a smile after last night's match... and the concept of reading to a man whilst he's watching football puzzles me. Many thanks. |
Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 25th March 2007 |
| ... although you may be married to Steve McLaren, in which case, it doesn't. |
......... coincidentally ...
Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 25th March 2007 |
 .. I saw a match on TV one day this week in which there WAS a female ref .... can't remember sho it was, or even the score, so it couldn't have been a very good match.
I'd be interested to see a gal take charge of a RUGBY LEAGUE match. Now that WOULD be a new departure .....  |
Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 25th March 2007 |
| ... Edward Marsden Waring would be turning in his grave... |
Enjoyed
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 25th March 2007 |
Just a final flying visit before upping stumps and moving countries, so will be AWOL for a while.
Clever stuff this sir, and a good idea. Plenty of good gags which flowed very nicely. You're obvious, deep-rooted lack of time and tolerance for the fairer sex shines through blatantly here coosh.
I think there's already a woman who runs the line in the Championship isn't there? Didn't Mike Newell voice his opinions on it??
Cheers
G. |
Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 25th March 2007 |
| My thanks to you, Givitsum. I have a tremendous admiration for what is indeed the fairer sex, but there are limits! Always remember that line from "Men Behaving Badly", one of the girls lying on the sofa, forced to watch football: "why do all the Italian players look like models, and all the British ones like they've just come out of prison?" - Away misself soon, too. Will catch up at some point in the not too distant - good luck with the move. Cheers. |
Written by Livinginanattic (466 comments posted) 26th March 2007 |
Great stuff Coosh, you seem to have got all the gags out of this ok, I can't think of anything you've missed.
I used to work with a girl who said she thought the England team should be selected entirely on looks.
Cheers. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 26th March 2007 |
| If they were, I might even start watching the game myself. |
Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 26th March 2007 |
| Thanks, Livinginanattic - yes, reminds me as well, I shared a house with two American girls during the '86 World Cup, who had never watched football before - I remember Platini scoring a dramatic equaliser against Brazil, and one turned to other and said, "do you think his ass would still look as cute without those shorts?" - sort of took away some of the drama I felt. Cheers. |
Written by wltshr (341 comments posted) 27th March 2007 |
Very nice. Made me laugh and after the day I've had that's praise indeed.
Good gags. Would make a good sketch.
Not to say the lady's priorities are wrong. They're just a bit different.
Regards
Wltshr
|
Written by woody44 (777 comments posted) 29th March 2007 |
Sorry I got to this a little late David. Plenty of good gags and as Chris says it flowed nicely. Here`s an idea. How about Tina taking over from Steve `I`m proud of my lads` McClaren...
cheers
Woody |
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