Chapter 14

Donna sat there in silence after the doctor had gone, holding on to his hand, waiting for him to wake up.  All the time, a million thoughts were running through her mind, the main one being how she was going to get her husband back again.  Almost as though he was reading her mind, he suddenly stirred, and turned to look at her.

“Why the hell did you ask her to come?” he said, his eyes bright and angry.  “You were wasting her time – there’s nothing wrong with me!  I’ve just been overdoing it, that’s all!”

“Yes” said Donna, patiently.  “That’s why you nearly passed out!  I was worried about you, that’s all!  You tend to worry about someone when you love them!”

“I’m surprised you still love me after everything I’ve put you through!” he said, his voice shaking.  “Some people would’ve left me by now!”

“Well” she said, gently running her fingers through his hair.  “I’m not some people – I’m your wife!  You don’t get rid of me that easily!  I’m afraid you’re stuck with me!”

“I don’t deserve you, Donna!” he said, his voice finally breaking.  “Why don’t you just leave, find someone worthy of you!  Go and find yourself a real man!”

“I’ve got one right here!” she replied, taking him in her arms.  “Stop talking like that right now!  You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a man, and more!  I must admit there have been times when you’ve pushed me to the limit, but I could never bring myself to leave you – I can’t!”

Before he could answer her, there was a tap on the door, and Eileen came in with Rosie.  She was sound asleep, clutching a small posy of flowers in her hand.  Donna got up and took her, trying not to wake her, and carried her upstairs to her cot.  Eileen sat down on the sofa next to Jon, who was sitting there staring at the floor, for once in his life not knowing what to say.  Eileen put a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Are you all right now, love?” she said, her eyes full of concern, her voice soft and gentle.  “You gave us a bit of a scare, you know!”

“Sorry” he said, still not looking at her.  “I know I’ve been a pain in the butt lately.  I don’t like myself very much at the moment, but I don’t know what to do about it!”

“Yes, you do!” said Eileen, turning him round to face her.  “but it’s only you who can do it, for the sake of your own sanity, and for your marriage!”

“I want to do it!” he said, tears streaming down his face  “but it’s just so damn hard!  I have tried, you know, I really have tried!”

Suddenly, his fragile self control cracked, and he rested his head on her shoulder, crying softly – so softly, in fact, that it carried only to Eileen’s ears, but he was completely incapable of speech.

“I know you have!” she said, enfolding him in her strong, motherly arms.  “but you have to keep trying.  You know how things are now, so you have to make a decision to make the most of what you have – which is a lot!  Some people would give their right arm for what you’ve got!  Sweetheart, please, don’t throw it away!   Money can’t buy what you have – think about it!  Instead of pining for what you can’t have, look after what you’ve got, otherwise you could lose everything – and I’m sure that’s the last thing you want!”

“I know you’re right, Eileen – about everything!  But at the moment, even though I know what I have to do, I don’t know whether I can do it on my own.  This may sound incredibly stupid to you, but I really don’t feel like a man at the moment, I feel just like a child.  Sometimes I feel I can’t face the world, and I just want to make it all go away…..”

“Oh, love!” she said, trying desperately to swallow the lump in her throat.  She had never before seen him so vulnerable and, in her opinion, almost scared of the way he felt.  “You’re not alone – you’ve got family and friends who love you – including me.  Don’t be afraid to turn to any of us for help – it’s not shameful to lean on someone occasionally, it doesn’t make you less of a person.  No-one can be strong all the time – even you!”

“You’re such a wise woman, Eileen!” he said, kissing her gently on the cheek.  “You’ve made me feel so much better.  Do you know, I’m outnumbered by women – Donna, Rosie, my mum, my sister, you, and one thing I’ve noticed is how strong you all are.  You look after us men from the cradle to the grave – I don’t know why you’re called the weaker sex, because you’re just the opposite as far as I can see.”

“It’s lovely of you to say that, love, but you’ve shown a lot of strength over the last few months – a lot of people would have cracked under the strain, but you haven’t – you’ve held it together, I know sometimes you’ve come close to caving in, but you didn’t – it shows what strength of character you have, so don’t sell yourself short!”

At that moment, Donna came back into the living room.  She glanced from one to the other.

“Have you been talking about me?” she joked, planting a kiss on his cheek.

“Yes” he said, taking her in his arms.  “Eileen has just taught me a very valuable lesson!”

After Eileen had gone, they sat down on the sofa together, as the light faded and the golden sunset lit up the night sky.  He wanted to make sure they were completely alone, with no interruptions, so he could tell her what he had just learned.

It proved to be tougher than he thought, trying to forget Emily, and get on with the life that he had made with Donna and Rosie – the two most precious people in his life.  Sometimes, he thought, it would have been easier if he’d never met her, and not grown to love her, but that would have been like wishing the tide would not come in – it would happen anyway, no matter what.  Soon, her memory began to prove less painful, and he began to feel more fulfilled.  He could not get over how one little girl could have such an impact on his life, and, unbeknown to her, reduce him to a nervous wreck.  Donna had, secretly, been to see Emily’s parents to try and reason with them, but got precisely nowhere, so she had not told him of the outcome – what he did not know could not hurt him, she reasoned, and, as he seemed to be coming to terms with it, there did not seem to be any point in spoiling his happiness.  After all, his happiness was paramount to her – just as she felt his pain when he was hurting, it meant the world to her to see him smile, and looking into those twinkling blue eyes, and knowing he was happy again, made her heart sing.  That, to her, was beyond price.

One morning, she woke up feeling decidedly sick.  She heard Rosie calling her, and groaned inwardly.  How come children always learned the word ‘dad’ before any other, then spent most of their time calling for ‘mum’??  She dragged herself out of bed, and began to make her way to Rosie’s room, but she knew she wasn’t going to make it, and ran to the bathroom, making it just in time.  She lifted her head up from over the toilet bowl, just as Jon tentatively poked his head around the bathroom door. By the look on her face, he decided he had better tread very carefully.

“Are you all right?” he said, crouching down next to her.  “You look a bit rough, this morning!”

“Thank you for your kind words, Jonathan!” she said, glaring at him.  “Now why don’t you …..”

“Oo, full title!” he muttered, as he shut the door behind him.  "I must have upset her!”

“Daddy!” said Rosie, as he lifted her up.  “Daddy, I’m stinky!  I did poopoo’s in my nappy!”

“I won’t argue with that!” he said, holding her at arms length.  “Come on, I’ll deal with you, mummy’s feeling a bit fragile this morning!  I think she must be going down with something – I’ll leave her to sleep for a little while, she might feel better when she gets up!”

He could not have been more wrong!  When she came downstairs, Donna’s temper had not improved.  She looked pale, and very tired, she sat down at the kitchen table, desperately trying to force a smile for Rosie’s sake.  She took one look at the cup of tea she was offered, and promptly rushed to the toilet to be sick.

“I didn’t think my tea was that bad!” he said, in an attempt at humour – it backfired badly, as she told him where to put his cup of tea in no uncertain terms!  Let’s just say it would have proved rather painful, and made sitting down very difficult!

He sat down next to her, putting his hand on her shoulder.

“All joking aside, Donna” he said, his eyes full of concern.  “How long have you felt like this?  Is it something you’ve eaten?”

“I’ve felt like it for a while, but I managed to hide it until now.  I have my suspicions” she said, giving him a sideways glance.  “but I’m not one hundred per cent sure, I’ll have to see the doctor – I’m sure it’s just a bug, I’ll be all right, you’ll see!”

“I’m sure you’re right” he said, his smile hiding his concerns.

A couple of days later, as he sat there watching TV, Donna came and sat down next to him, looking very thoughtful.  He knew that look, it meant she had something to tell him – what was it this time?

“I know you’re busy, love” she began, putting her hand on his knee.  “but that spare room has seen better days, it could do with a lick of paint!”

“That room hasn’t been painted since we moved in!” he said, completely mystified.  “Why have I got to do it now?”

“Well!” she said, putting her hand on her stomach.  “Rosie’s little brother or sister will need somewhere to sleep!”

“Oh, Donna!”  His voice was a whisper, and his eyes filled with tears.  “Just when I thought things couldn’t get any better…..”

He pulled her close, burying his face in her shoulder.  As Donna held him tightly, she could feel him shaking.  She put her hand under his chin, and lifted his head up, so he was looking straight into her eyes.

“Please, Jon!” she said, smiling.  “this wasn’t part of the plan!  You weren’t supposed to cry!  I thought you’d be happy!”

“I am!” he said, desperately trying to control himself.  “I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life!”

“Will I ever understand you?” she said, cupping his face in her hands.

“Don’t even try!” he said, smiling.  “Just love me!”

As she gazed at the face she loved so well, she knew she would have no difficulty whatsoever doing exactly as he asked.