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Where were you last night? |
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By Katsinella
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24 March 2007 |
A short, somewhat autobiographical piece that I could make into a longer story. Perhaps... Where were you last night was what was in my head but I don’t really want to know because I know the answer already. You had started with drinks after work with a few colleagues at a trendy wine bar on St. Martins Lane. Then around the time when the colleagues decided to go home to their families, your friends turned up and you moved on together – probably to your club on Adam Street. Now things are starting to swing, you feel part of the in-crowd. You feel that people actually like you. So you put your credit card behind the bar and run a tab. By one in the morning, some of your friends are starting to fade and decide to go home. There’s much noise, ribald humour about staying power and calling each other names. You all laugh, slapping each other on the backs. They have seen you like this before. They leave you with a new friend you have made this evening and he persuades you to try and new club in Soho. You pay the £200 tab at Adam Street, leaving a generous tip for the tired barmaid with bags under her eyes. So you two find this club but now you are starting to fade. You buy a line of coke and consume it in the toilets. Feeling much stronger you party on until the club closes at six in the morning. You’re disappointed it all has to end, it seems over so soon. You have no cash left so you walk the 5 miles home. And now you stand on the doorstep, leaning against the door frame for support, dressed in yesterday’s pin striped City suit smelling of the night. No, I don’t ask where you were last night. I know already.
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Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 24th March 2007 | Hi Kats,
This would make an excellent "orated" monologue. I like "Cameos" and this piece captured the vapidity and shallowness of the MCs partner's (?) life.
I wouldn't expand it, leave it as it is. It reminded me of Virginia Woolf in its "flow of consciouness" style.
Brian.
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Written by Snodlander (507 comments posted) 24th March 2007 | Despite it being such a short piece I think it should be broken up into paragraphs. Some of the sentences are a tad long too. Look at the first sentence, not even a comma. Something like the following flows better.
'Where were you last night?' was what was in my head, but I don’t really want to know because I know the answer already.
Also the tense changes a quarter of the way through. It would read better if it was all in the present or all in the past.
Otherwise a nice piece that could quite easily be expanded into a longer piece. |
Written by anorwegianwood (278 comments posted) 24th March 2007 | I liked this, but I agree with Snods. It would read much better with a little more visual separation, rather than just a block of text. I like it at this length, but I could see it as part of something longer.
~Claire |
Written by Phil (6828 comments posted) 24th March 2007 | There's much to commend this. It has feeling and pulls the reader in. The crits are pretty much on the nail, I think, but nothing a quick edit couldn't fix.
Good stuff,
Phil. |
Written by alamo (32 comments posted) 24th March 2007 | I really enjoyed this. It reminded me of Bret Easton Ellis, one of my favourite authors (never read Virginia Woolf.) Loved the fact it was largely second-person.
I do also have to agree with the comments already made. The commas thing, and the paragraphs thing would make it an easier read. I agree with Brian that it's good as it is, but I also would like to know more about the characters: how does she know what he's been up to? Does this happen often? How does it affect their relationship? All these things aren't strictly necessary, but I'm just nosy and want to know more.
I loved the suit (or him) "smelling of the night" line.
A good little story. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 24th March 2007 | | I enjoyed this very much and might have appreciated a few extra commas, but I must beg to differ with the other reviewers; I liked the way this was all one block of text. I can picture this as an internal monologue -- one thought after another, everything run together. What you could do is separate this into paragraphs then compare it with the original and see which you prefer. |
Written by Lizzy (822 comments posted) 25th March 2007 | | I think I'm with Witzl on this, an internal monologue. What I did like was that it was said in a very matter of fact way but obviously with many undercurrents. | thanks all!
Written by Katsinella (28 comments posted) 25th March 2007 | I take your points on commas, and paragraphs. I think I will give that a try.
And thanks Snods for noticing the careless handling of tenses! |
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