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Poetry


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The lighthouse keeper's daughter

By emacskye

24 March 2007

my first poem,
please tell me what you think.
in the poem the light reflects mt family and the dark the independance you have to gain as an adult. I hope you enjoy it.

The lighthouse keeper’s daughter

I stand in the light, my families’ tale

Light and dark without fail

Courage and strength in force 10 gale

I stand in the light, my families’ tale

Remote locations are where we hail

We watch the ships, where do they sail?

I leave the light, my families’ tale

Where to go I hear you wail

To find my voice, to tell their tale

Reviews

Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 24th March 2007

Contrasts and contradictions that work pretty well on a simple level - but this needs much more development to really engage the reader.

Phil.

thanks phill
Written by emacskye (23 comments posted) 24th March 2007

thanks for your comments. that was a first draft i've now changed it alot i hope it's more engaging.

Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 24th March 2007

Better, I think. Very different in tone. It did engage me more. Still more there possibly. Sp: last line, should there be their?

Phil.

thanks again
Written by emacskye (23 comments posted) 24th March 2007

i've changed the there/their mistake, trust a teacher to spot that

The lighthouse keeper’s daughter
Written by CliffBowes (176 comments posted) 24th March 2007

I like the idea of the light and dark of family protection and the breaking away. I'm not so sure about the triplet stanzas with every line rhyming. I would like to see this in the form of a Chaucerian Roundel with the rhyme scheme of Abb/abA/abbA with the first line repeated as the last one. Please try it and see if it can work.
Excellent for your first poem though.
Cliff

Written by JourneyAtNight (314 comments posted) 24th March 2007

I liked the concept very much, although I did feel that it ended a little too abruptly.

Nevertheless, a great first piece

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