Jeff: Oh, I see we are having roast beef for dinner today. I hope it’s Aberdeen Angus. You don’t know for sure? It’s the only kind of British beef that I know is free from CJD. (They know that full well as I have told them many times I only eat Aberdeen Angus or South American beef.)

Andrea: Oh, Jeff, don’t start that. I thought that problem was over years ago. (Please eat it and don’t make a fuss.)

Jeff:  Well, never mind. I guess I can eat it for once. (They did that on purpose.)

Andrea: Oh, it is so nice to have a home cooked roast dinner. I just never have time to do one at home. (and Jeff will never help) Look, Yorkshire pudding. You like Yorkshire’s don’t you Natasha?

Natasha: No. I don’t. (I really do like them, but I am not going to give them the satisfaction of knowing that straight away.)

Jeff: You sit here, Natasha, and if you are a good girl, I expect Grandma will have some chocolate buttons for you. (You fussy child. What you really need is a good smack.)

Andrea: Jeff, that is the worst thing to say. Now she will be thinking about that chocolate all during the meal and it is important that she eats properly. (When will he learn to keep his mouth shut?)

Natasha: I like chocolate buttons. (so I will make sure I get lots. I can always get around Grandma for an extra few.)

Andrea: Now you sit here by me, Natasha, and I will cut up your food into small bits, and let it cool off a bit before you try it. You like roast carrots, and roast potatoes, and lots of lovely gravy. (Please behave for once.)

Natasha: Want to sit by Grandma. (She is much less bossy.)

Jeff: Shall I cut up your food for you? (Now what is she playing at. Jean will never be able to cope with her.)

Natasha: Grandma can cut my food.

Food is duly cut into small pieces, and everyone breathes a sigh of relief when it turns out that Natasha does really like the meal, and is going to eat all of her food.

Jeff: Natasha is certainly enjoying her meal, and of course, so am I. Great cooking, Jean and Philip. (I hope Andrea doesn’t think I am going to do cooking like her father does.)

Natasha: More food. (This really is good. I’d better eat up while I can, as somebody else might just get the rest of the carrots before I do.)

She grabs two roast carrots in each hand, getting her clothes and the table cloth full of grease.

Natasha: Want some milk. (Boy am I thirsty after all this gravy.)

Andrea: What do you say? (Please remember and don’t let me down.)

Natasha: Please. (How dumb does she think I am.)

Jeff: Here you are, Natasha. Here is your Amy Milk . Now what do you say? (You’re doing so well, don’t cock it up now.)

(whole milk known as Amy Milk because first discovered how much better it tasted than 2% milk when Natasha was visiting her friend Any.)

Natahsa: Thank you. (This is a pretty skinny cup.)

She drinks the whole cup down in one go.

Natasha:  More

long silence

Natasha: Please. (I would have thought once was enough.)

Andrea: Here, you are. But don’t drink it all at once this time. (All we need is for you to sick up your dinner all over the table.)

Jeff: That was delicioius. I couldn’t eat another bite. (Well I could actually but they seem to have all the good bits to Natasha and I can hardly fight her for them.)

Andrea: My roast dinners never taste as good as is does when we eat here, does it Jeff? (You had better say my cooking is good.)

considerable pause

Jeff: Well, I’m sure you taught your daughter well, Jean, as her roast dinners are as delicious as yours. (Thank goodness I picked up on that one, or it would have been the silent treatment all the way home.)

Andrea: Next time you come to see us, I will make the effort and do a roast meal for you too. (Please don’t come for the next six months or so.)

Jeff: Well, Natasha, say thank you to Grandma and Grandpa for the nice meal, and then you can get down from the table. (I could do with a bit of peace and quiet while I finish my wine and cheese and biscuits.)

Natasha: I want the chocolate buttons now. (They did promise. I hope they haven’t forgotten or were making it up.)

Andrea: No, mother sit down, I can get them. Where are they? Up in this cupboard? (What a mess. How can anybody find anything in here?)

Natasha: Thank you. (There are times when it pays to be polite.)

Andrea: Now you can get down and go and play with your toys in the next room while we finish off our meal. (Please go off quietly and play.)

Natasha: I want Grandma to come and play with me. (She might give me some more chocolate buttons.)

Andrea: Now Grandma doesn’t need to do that. Really, Mum, you don’t have to go with her. (But how nice that you are.)  And thank you again for the nice meal.

Jeff: Peace at last. I do like that wine you are serving, Philip. Is it the christmas present wine from Laird Jeffrey from Scotland? (You’d better offer me another glass. I know Jean isn’t keen on it, which is odd, because normally she will drink anything, and it would be a shame to leave any in the bottle.) 

Philip pours Jeff another glass.

Andrea: No thanks, Dad. I’m driving. (Why can’t Jeff drive back after a meal once in awhile. I like wine too, but I can hardly ask for the rest of the bottle to finish off at home.)