Yes, it's Panto reviewing time again. (Please fill in relevant joke here!)

Just a snippet of one of my Panto's where Aladdin has just fallen in love, tells his mum, and meets one of the Genies for the first time.

Please let me know what you think.

Thanks

Wltshr

ALADDIN: Oh, mother. My heart is lost forever.

WIDOW TWANKEY:  Where did you leave it? You silly thing.

ALADDIN: No, mother. Princess Lotus Flower. What a vision of loveliness. One day she and I will be married.

WIDOW TWANKEY:  Don’t be silly Aladdin. What chance have you got with a princess? You don’t even look like a frog. Talking of frogs, did you manage to find anything to eat?

ALADDIN: No mother, I’ve been a little busy.

WIDOW TWANKEY: What? Not even a rat?

ALADDIN: A rat?

WIDOW TWANKEY: Do you not remember that delicious ratatouille we had last Sunday? I only used traditional ingredients.

ALADDIN: We really must improve our diet. I heard there was a case of salmonella in the next street.

WIDOW TWANKEY: What? A whole case? Go and get it. I love fish.

ALADDIN: Oh, mother. You’re incorrigible.

WIDOW TWANKEY: No, I'm not. I'm Church of England.

ALADDIN: Mother, I do have something we may be able to sell and raise enough money to buy some rice. I found it in a cave.

WIDOW TWANKEY: Sell it? If it’s a big juicy bat, we can roast it.

ALADDIN: No mother, a lamp. Look. Do you think we could sell it?

WIDOW TWANKEY: ( giving it a brisk rub.) It is very dirty!

Stage Manager’s head appears around curtain.

STAGE MANAGER: POUF!!!

Genie appears. (Looking not a little like Charles Hawtrey)

GENIE: (to S.M.) Really!
(To widow) What a nerve!
(To Aladdin) Oh hello!

ALADDIN: Who are you?

GENIE: (Butch Voice)  I am the slave of the lamp.( takes out enormous hankie and blows his nose) What would you like me to do, dear?

ALADDIN: Are you all right?

GENIE: Yes thanks, it’s the brasso you know.

ALADDIN: The what?

GENIE: The brasso! Metal Polish!! 2000 years cramped up inside this little lamp. Well you’ve got to keep it neat. It’s not as though I can nip down to the shops for some paint every ten minutes.

ALADDIN: But the sneezing.

GENIE: The brasso. Polish, polish, polish. It makes me head reel. Always gives me terrible sniffles. My father suffered from it, my grandfather. My mother was a martyr to Mr. Sheen. In fact all my relatives have been the same.

ALADDIN: Something affecting your whole family? What is it?

GENIE: I call it my genie allergy. (Pause for laughter) Anyway…. (Butch Voice) I am the slave of the lamp. What do you wish me to do?

ALADDIN: Can you do anything?

GENIE: Oh, yes master. Absolutely everything. Where do you think the word "genius” comes from?

ALADDIN: We are really hungry, genie. Can you help?

GENIE: Of course! You would appear to have a choice of two spells.

ALADDIN: Two?

GENIE: Yes, I can either make you believe you are on a diet and therefore the hunger pangs would make you feel smug and successful, or supply food, which would you prefer?

ALADDIN: Please bring us something nice to eat. Something exotic, I think.

GENIE: Not Chinese, master?

ALADDIN: No. My life till now has been boiled rice, fried rice, poached rice and rice cakes. Roast rice with a side dish of rice, followed by rice pudding.Something sumptuous and foreign would be a nice change. Something eaten by royalty!

GENIE: English, master?

ALADDIN: Why not? What would you recommend?

GENIE: (Brings forth menu) Might I suggest a plate of whelks as an appetiser? Jellied eels. Brown Windsor soup. Mutton stew with suet dumplings, served with cabbage boiled for three hours and mashed turnips. Followed by Jam roly-poly with pink custard.

ALADDIN: Sounds wonderful, Genie.

GENIE: As enjoyed by the English Upper classes, master. ( genie claps hands) Enter children (carrying plates, tureens etc).

ALADDIN: Genie?

GENIE: Yes, master?

ALADDIN: I have fallen in love. But I do not know if she loves me? Can your magic help?

GENIE: Did you wish me to ask her master? Something akin to “ My master fancies you”?

ALADDIN: No! How can I make her love me?

GENIE: Magic can only affect physical things, master, it cannot affect the  heart. Perhaps I could make you look like George Clooney.

ALADDIN:        No, Genie.

GENIE: Perhaps make her incredibly short sighted. Could you love a girl wearing really thick glasses, master?

ALADDIN: No, no. It is not as easy as that. She is a princess. I am the son of a washerwoman. She is rich, I am poor.

GENIE: You don’t appear to move in the same circles master.

ALADDIN: No, genie. I just want the opportunity to speak with her, meet with her, I feel sure she could love me if we could meet as equals.

GENIE: Brilliant master. Shall I make her poor?

ALADDIN: I think not, genie. I think perhaps it might prove more beneficial all round if you make me rich.

GENIE: Easy, master.

Curtain