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Coen and Beyond: Tales of Cassa (Prologue -> Chapter 1)
By RelentlessImp
25 March 2007
This... is an introductory prologue and chapter to the Tales of Cassa, which is one facet of the storyworld I've been constructing over the past few years.

     Prologue

     Where... where am I?
     Who am I?
     There's not much room in here.  Something cold's pressed against my shoulders. Everything's so cold.  Why am I so cold?
     There's a jerk.  Movement.  What is this that I'm in, and why is it moving?  It's slow, though, I can tell that much.
     A grinding sound, metal on metal.  A sharp thud as the container that holds me strikes something hard.  My head strikes the inner wall, and I blank out again.

       
Chapter 1
Aboard the S.S. Nu

      “What have we fished out of the fathomless sea, Mi-chu?” The voice that posed this question belonged to none other than the infamous Captain Jones of the S.S. Nu, a tall, powerfully built Cardisian in the advanced stages of middle-age.
     “Cryogen pod, sir,” Mi-chu, said in her gurgly voice. A cephalopod of some kind, with seven head-tentacles that wiggled when she spoke and eight long tentacles along her torso that made up the rest of her limbs, she was the science officer onboard the Nu. “It's odd, though, Captain.”
      “What's so odd about it, Chu? We come across pods like this all the time.  Sure, they rarely have life in them, but...” the Captain frowned, tilting his head to the side, studying the cry-pod a bit more closely.  Chu was right.  There was something strange about its construction.  Archaic, almost.
     “You see it too, don't you?” the cephalopod asked, catching the Captain's puzzled look.  “It's one of the original cryopods, manufactured by the Earthlings.”
     “An Earthling pod?” The Captain was stunned.  The Earthlings hadn't toyed with the advanced sciences since the construction of Coen, becoming just an import/export planet with a single space port. “How long has it been floating out there?”
     One of the cephalopod's tentacles lifted a device hooked to the pod, using another to tap at the keys on it.  A few moments later, she said “Roughly a thousand years, Standard Space Time.”
     Captain Jones gave a low whistle in astonishment.  “Let me guess; war crimes?”
     The cephalopod's rubbery brow bunched up as she studied the device's screen.  “No.  There doesn't seem to be any type of explanation as to why whoever it is was launched into space.  Not even so much as a name. It's all blanked out.”
     “Well, let's wake our guest up.  Maybe he or she will be able to tell us something.”
     “Aye-aye, Captain.”
*   *   *


Reviews
Welcome American.
Written by stevetroster (1555 comments posted) 25th March 2007
Hi, I'm a massive Sci-fi fan, I like Sci-fi so much that I am going to take the time to say... that I thought your story intro was very interesting, but that it is flawed and needs a polish (in my opinion). I offer this critique in the hope that it will help you produce a stunner! 
 
The opening thoughts are a bit messy, eg. 
'There's not much room in here.' 'What is this that I'm in' 'the container that holds me.' Too many references to the container in my opinion, and he very quickly goes from knowing nothing to knowing its a container. And then he says 'as my head hits the inner wall', so now he knows that there is an inner and outer wall as well (lucky guess?). Yet we still don't know if he can see anything, is it dark inside the container? 
Try to keep the thoughts short and to the point.  
"I can't move!...Where am I?...Who am I?... Why am I so cold?...Why is it so dark? 
Movement! Why am I moving? A grinding sound! metal on metal. I blank out again. 
 
*******Chapter 1 Aboard the S.S. Nu******** 
 
I will put brackets around words that I feel you should lose, *-* where I feel that you need to embelish, and make general comments in double brackets. 
 
“What have we((replace with YOU)) fished out of the fathomless sea *this time* Mi-chu?” The voice (that posed this question) belonged to (none other than) the infamous (Captain) ((give him a first name)) Jones, Captain of the S.S. Nu.*He was* a tall, powerfully built Cardisian((too similar to Cardasian)) in the advanced stages of middle-age. 
“Cryogen pod, sir,” (Mi-chu,) said *the cephalopod*in her gurgly voice. (A cephalopod of some kind, with) *her*seven head-tentacles (that) wiggled when she spoke. (and eight long tentacles along her torso that made up the rest of her limbs, she) *Mi-Chu was the science officer onboard the Nu. “It's odd, though, Captain.” 
 
You have a tendensy to overstate the alienness of your characters, when most Sci-fi fans will expect them to look like aliens. Leak your info slowly, and in a way that doesn't make it sound as if aliens are unusual in Sci-fi and need a full autopsy before they can be used in a story. 
One of the cephalopod's tentacles lifted a device hooked to the pod, using another to tap at the keys on it. again too 'Oooh, it's an alien...with tentacles!! 
Keep it simple - "Mi-Chu's tentacle arm lifted a device, etc. 
 
Having established that they have fished out a cryogen pod, you then go on to refer to it as - pod, cry-pod, cryopod, Earthling pod. Try to find one desciption that you are happy with and stick with it. (EG. 'CP' - 'An Earth CP') 
And I still don't like Jones as a name for a Cardisian! 
 
“What have you fished out of the fathomless sea this time Mi-chu?” The voice belonged to the infamous J'on Es, Captain of the S.S. Nu. He was a tall, powerfully built Ginjitt in the advanced stages of middle-age. 
“Cryo-pod, sir,” gurgled the cephalopod, her seven head-tentacles wiggling as she spoke. Mi-Chu was the science officer onboard the Nu. “It's an odd one though, Captain.” 
“What's so odd about it Chu? We come across CP's like this all the time. etc, etc. 
 
Another strange passage. 
"Sure, they rarely have life in them" What else would a cryo-pod have in it then? Dirty laundry! 
 
I hope this helps, if not you can tell me to sit and swivel. 
 
Best Wishes. 
Estee. 
 
 
 
 

Written by anorwegianwood (278 comments posted) 25th March 2007
Interesting start. I actually don't know what else to say as Steve has pretty much done it all. I'm a SF fan as well, but I haven't written much of it in a while. As you can see by the dates on the other postings in this section, it hasn't been nearly as active as other parts of the site lately. A sad thing, in my opinion. Steve breathed life into it a few weeks ago, but it's good to get more SF writers on the site. Keep posting, I'll keep reading. 
 
~Claire

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