Been fiddling with this for a while. Far too close to it now to know if it is any good or not.
I lean against the railings, restless on a long, hot day,
determined not to make my absence felt,
and watch a young girl passing by, her sandals in her hand;
the low dull ache, from feet that punch the street
on searing summer’s tarmac, etched upon her face.
She glances up and looks beyond me, through me,
up towards the bare-boned dome above my head,
its curving spines that crown still-standing bricks;
proud remnants of an old Hiroshima.
Her eyes flick down to catch the willow weeping over me,
then heavenwards as if she wonders why I would sit here
where I am close enough to see the layered make-up on her face
and smell her: acid sweetness almost drowning out her sweat.
I simply lean and watch and wonder, had her parents thought of her
back when a "LittleBoy" was born to Enola Gay?
Did they hear about a blast, focussed by the hills, a strike
that burnt kimono patterns onto skin and flattened everything?
Here and now there is a man who loiters, coming close to murmur in her ear.
The deal's already done, they both know why she's here;
he guides her by the arm, away from me, this normal-seeming man.
Does she release him with her young, pinched face and slender limbs,
or does that face live on for him and stalk his thoughts?
She’ll take the money either way, and give her silent dreams for him to rend
and move along, to find the next, still grasping hope.
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Written by Fledermaus (3306 comments posted) 26th March 2007 |
It's a bit different from your usual style, but it works well I think. Seeing the commemoration on TV always makes me shiver, and when I heard how those Americans involved look back at the event I was shocked. It seems they have no remorse whatsoever... Japan should face its past, but so should the USA...
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Fledermaus Written by amoryblaine (40 comments posted) 26th March 2007 |
| ..and so should England.If "those Americans" have Hiroshima,Vietnam, etc..the UK's got COLONIZATION,slavery,Falklands,The Suez crises,Palestinian-Isreali conflict,blah,blah,blah,blah..and i aint seeing grand apologies being thrown out anywhere and remorse?haha u joking???...but were not discussing that are we?..Interesting piece.Cheers! |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 26th March 2007 |
Politics aside, this is an interesting, provocative poem, Elli. I have a few niggles, but only for the sake of giving you something to think about -- not because the poem is bad or you should even think of abandoning it. First of all, I'm assuming this is in the present, so this girl's parents would likely be younger than I am, and I was born way after the war. All they would know about Enola Gay and Fat Boy was what they learned in school, it is her grandparents that would remember the blast. Secondly, although I have seen Japanese people take off their shoes and walk barefoot, this is rather rare and was always commented on when I did it, as you tend to take your shoes off before going into a house so as not to soil the floors. Not to say this girl wouldn't do it, just that when I first starting reading this poem, I thought we were somewhere else because of that. But that is a minor detail, and there is much about this poem to admire. |
Sad Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 26th March 2007 |
I've tried not to be influenced by reviews above. I feel that it is a very sad poem. It is about youth lost, respect lost, money gained. Very sad that this happens, but it does. Innocence lost in all sorts of ways. Look at the child soldiers of the world too. Where is the innocence and fun of their childhood? Slavery - the same. The bomb dropped, lives lost, children left homeless. It goes on and on and on. Sad. Can these people ever find happiness in life again? The one thing I did not like about your poem Elli, if you don't mind my saying this: Some of the lines are far, far too long I feel. I think you could easily change this, but, of course, only if you wanted to. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 26th March 2007 |
| I've just been looking up the figures, for what it is worth, but one of the things few people outside (and inside) Japan often do not realize is that 20,000 Koreans died in Hiroshima -- approximately one seventh of Hiroshima's population -- and 2,000 in Nagasaki. I am not sure of the Chinese figures, but there were Chinese forced laborers as well. When we left Japan in 2001, the monument to the Korean victims was still located outside the Peace Park, a distance from the Japanese cenotaph, and as you might imagine, this has caused very bad feeling among the relatives of the Korean victims. Almost all of those Koreans were slave laborers, brought to Japan against their will. Although Hiroshima itself had no POW camps per se (which is one of the reasons it was chosen as a target), there were still POWs nearby who died in the blast; the exact number is not known. There are still former allied POWs registered as hibakusha or 'atomic victims.' I know a few very dedicated Japanese who are doing their best to educate the young Japanese about this; sadly the government is content for them to remain ignorant. |
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 26th March 2007 |
Subject matter aside (so far as possible) this is a nice little work of art with all the Elli hallmarks - eloquence, intelligence and compassion. I like. Oli |
HI Elli Written by jean.day (2283 comments posted) 26th March 2007 |
I like this, but having read Witzl's comments on it, I now understand it more than I would have done originally. I like the idea of the ache from her feet being visible in her face. |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 26th March 2007 |
As Oli hints, this has your fingerprints all over it. (A compliment not a crit.) Like all of your best stuff (in my opinion) it has a gentle pulse and begs to be spoken. This leaves lots to thinks about - and I will be back. Quality piece Elli. Phil. |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 26th March 2007 |
Thanks everyone. Lots to think about here - this going to stay fundamentally the same but I am I think going to make some changes. We shall see what happens when it gets to stew a while. Elli ps. Phil, I'm really glad you mentioned the spoken thing - of late I've been trying to write for the voice rather than the page (with mixed success!) so I'm glad some of that comes across. |
I'm in no position to comment on politi Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 28th July 2007 |
"a strike that burnt kimono patterns onto skin and flattened everything?" - what a line, elli you make me jealous well done chick, this piece is vivid, beautiful, painful, thoughtful, scary and depressing... dude clo
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