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Shorts
Reflections of a Modern Man
By alamo
27 March 2007
OK so this is based on a conversation my girlfriend actually had. Not sure how much I like this. Please let me know what you think.

Cheers

            They are sat in a dilapidated bus-stop, graffiti-covered, smashed glass at their feet. His face is half-familiar: they’ve seen him around at Uni, parties, clubs. They’ve never been introduced, gotten to know him. But that was all about to change.

Dave hummed along to his iPod, out of tune, smiling. He looked at the girls sitting next to him. Not bad, he thought, trying to store their images in his head for a later masturbatory fantasy. The things they would do, he thought. He tuned back into the music, started humming again.

            Fiona and Shannon chatted about mutual friends, bitching really, trying to ignore the atonal disfigurement of music that violated their ears.

            Dave reached into his long hair, scratched, and a white earphone fell down onto his chest. Tinny music escaped from the dangling earpiece. Grunge slopped out. Miniature guitars played a dirge. Something approaching singing floated around, sounding small.

            He turned to the girls.

            “You like it?” he said, pointing to his chest.

            For a second Fiona thought he meant his T-shirt, tight black with a witty slogan and a white skull. Shannon took it in, an opinion began to form in her mind.

            “Er… yeah. It’s alright,” said Fiona.

            “It’s my band.”

            “Oh… that’s cool,” said Shannon, wondering what kind of person would listen to their own music.

            “What are they called?” said Fiona.

            “My band? Ego-terrorist.”

            Shannon stifled a laugh.

            “You know, like eco-terrorist, but to do with the mind, the Ego, like Freud and that.”

            “It’s a good name,” said Fiona, smiling.

            “Yeah,” said Shannon. “Deep.”

            “Exactly,” he said. “I mean, we were called Evolution? You know, with a question mark, but the drummer thought it was pretentious. But I was well pleased when I made that up.”

            “Understandable,” said Fiona.

            “I mean, it’s really thought-provoking. Evolution?”

            Shannon thought, certainly provokes a few thoughts in me.

            “What do you play?” said Fiona.

            “Well, I’m singer-songwriter, and I play the guitar. I did play keyboards on a few tracks, but we thought, you know, ditch that electronic shit. It’s not the eighties anymore.”

            “Indeed,” said Shannon.

            “The music I write is the kind of music I’ve been wanting to get my hands on all my life. I’ve got it all on my iPod. When I listen to it, it just makes me smile.”

            “What do you mean?” said Fiona.

            “Just, like, I listen to music all the time. If I think it’s good, I enjoy it and everything, but it still kind of depresses me.”

            “Why? Because you didn’t write it?”

            “No, just because it isn’t how I would of done it.”

            “Oh,” said Fiona.

            “Yeah, it’s like nothing really compares to my music. Here,” he said, offering Fiona the earpiece. “Have a listen.”

            She wiped the earphone on her sleeve, then put it close to her ear, listening.

            “Well,” she said. “It’s good, but, I don’t know.”

“What? You listen,” he said, offering the earphone to Shannon. She looked at it, raised it to her ear for a few seconds.

“It’s not really the kind of music I like,” she said.

“If people don’t like it, they just don’t get it.”

            Shannon’s opinion of him started to solidify.

            “Like, I wrote this song called Not Going Down, and it’s all about girls that don’t give head, ‘cos I just can’t stand girls that won’t give blowjobs. It’s like, limiting sexual experiences, I just can’t deal with it. And my girlfriend, well, my ex-girlfriend, didn’t like it. She didn’t understand it more like.”

            “Well… it’s quite… a complex idea,” said Fiona

            “Exactly. Having said that, I used to hate going down on girls. But then I met my ex and I just wanted to kiss her all over. Including down there.”

            Shannon was tensing her mouth, desperate to prevent the hilarity growing within her from exploding into laughter.

            “And when I started doing it all the time she got bored of it. She was like, ‘Will you stop eating me out.”

            Fiona giggled, Shannon sent an elbow into her ribs.

            “No. It is funny,” he said. “I mean how can she get bored of it? She’s mad.”

            “Yeah,” said Fiona.

            “Definitely,” said Shannon.

            “Think that was why we broke up to be honest.”

            “What, because of the song?”

            “No, ‘cos she was mental. Must be that, I mean, the sex was great. Not just for me. For her as well – I could tell.”

            “Lucky girl,” said Fiona.

            “Anyway, it’s better being single. Playing the field. Doing what, and who, I want.”

            “It must be great,” said Shannon.

            “Yeah it is. Does get a bit boring though. I mean, after ten girls, you do get a bit bored with naked bodies. A girl takes her clothes off and I’m like, I’ve seen it all before, I need a bit more.”

            Shannon wondered what level of depravity would serve to excite this jaded fornicator, but then thought better of it.

            “So how many girls you slept with then?” said Fiona.

            “Well… twelve. Most of them really loved it too.”

            The bus arrived: the noise of hissing brakes, a rumbling engine, and a noxious cloud engulfed them.

            “I’m Dave, by the way,” he said, offering a hand.

Reviews

Written by Tusk (53 comments posted) 26th March 2007
Loved the sarcasm! 
Very funny, you created the character well. You should put a load of characters together in a story or something. Perhaps this could have been in the Scripts section.
this is a real guy?
Written by Rose (12 comments posted) 26th March 2007
oh my god I want to meet him! this must have been a funny conversation! 
 
you are very good at writing dialogue, it was easy to read. i feel like i want to know more about Dave's background. why is he like this? maybe to expand this piece you could use other situations he's in, and maybe conclude with him getting his comeuppance but not learning anything from it.  
 
i enjoyed this alot, stick with it. 
 
rose. xxx00
That's so like...
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 26th March 2007
Rock'n'Roll. Loved Dave, he reminded me of a lot of people I know/knew. Everyone would-be musician thinks that they are playing 'like the best music ever man' (bit like would-be writers I suppose!). I knew a guy in a band who used to wear a T-shirt with 'techno-fear' written on it 'cos he fought it sounded Rock'n'Roll. The strange thing was that there were only three of them in the band, so they used a drum machine and pre-programmed keyboards whenever they played live. He never did see the irony! Nor did most of the massive crowd of ten people that they regularly attracted. 
My absolute favourite piece of dialogue was. 
“Like, I wrote this song called Not Going Down, and it’s all about girls that don’t give head." 
I'm certain that that was atrack on one of the Spinal Tap albums, or was it Van Halen?

Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 27th March 2007
Touch his hand? Eeeewwwww. 
 
As the son of a teenage drummer (he has no musical ambition) I identified with this. He keeps changing his band's name, but then they keep changing the members too. 
 
Liked the humour in this. Baiting the humour impaired is a great sport, so much funnier if the other party is not aware. 
 
I think I would have liked a stronger ending, maybe the girls waiting for a later bus or a stronger punchline. But otherwise a great read, with rivieting, natural dialogue.

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 27th March 2007
You start it as a narrative story with the descriptive intro and then it's all dialogue. I think it would work better as a scripted piece. I do think your dialogue is better than your description. You could hint where they were in speech or in the direction.  
The dialogue was funny and believeable but I would liked to have stronger indication from the girls that they were "yanking his chain" There were some really funny exchanges, the style was "Spinal Tap" meets the "Office" which can't be bad.You can obviously do dialogue; needs a better ending though. You need a good gag to end on 
cheers 
J

Written by rui (150 comments posted) 27th March 2007
This reminds me far too much of university - the two stoner art students my landlord got in to replace two people that changed their mind about a shared place at the last minute, both middle-class white boys desperate to be hip-hop DJs. Your Dave kinda reminds me of them - tragic failure to realise that they are a joke. 
 
Very fun. Much scope for baiting Dave, and for sotto voce comments passed between the two girls.

Written by coosh (868 comments posted) 27th March 2007
Agree entirely with BBS - scripting it would probably tighten up the dialogue a bit more. But I enjoyed it, and the idea is a good one. As regards the chain-yanking and the baiting - I'm not sure it's enough just to watch stuff going over people's heads - for me, you also need to provoke a reaction, take them to the point, for example, where they explode, freak out, tear out all their hair....and even then still don't get it for a while. However, I enjoyed the concept of this, and thought it read well. Good fun.

Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 27th March 2007
Enjoyed this, some good laughs here but the dialogue was better than the narrative sections. Would have liked a stronger ending but a good read all the same. Cheers.

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 27th March 2007
I can't add anything to those reviews, as I started off with my own ideas and then saw that others had told you what I intended to write. Personally, I'd listen to Jane and Coosh and script this -- you're much of the way there already, and this can only get better if you do. And they are right in that you need a good, take-you-by-surprise funny ending.  
 
Gee, I remember having converations like this with all kinds -- quite often with men waiting for buses or in line at the student union. Always so full of themselves and tripping over their own feet to bend your ears with tales of their sexual skill and musical excellence. Go on -- roast them and serve them up on a plate in a script.

Written by anorwegianwood (278 comments posted) 27th March 2007
I also think this would make a good scripted piece, though I enjoyed it as it was. Nothing more to add, all been said. 
 
~Claire

Written by alamo (32 comments posted) 27th March 2007
Thank you all for your comments. I would consider doing this as a script, but I don't know the first thing about writing one. Any tips would be greatly appreciated. 
 
Cheers

Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 27th March 2007
Enjoyed this. Mostly all been said, b ut I do agree that this could possibly be scripted for more impact and a little work on the ending might improve it. 
 
Funny. 
 
Phil.

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