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Her pace quickened, she knew he was behind her. She could feel his eyes all over her. The 16 year old quickly turned her head. Caught him! Yes, he was definitely letching at her, he must have been because men are always perving. She glared at him and he looked sheepishly to one side. It was obvious he wasn't really interested in that patch of bluebells on the bank. She faced forward and carried on through the park. When she reached the end she turned left down the street and walked into the newsagents.
May was sure the assistant took a sneaky look down her blouse when he was serving her. She gave him a withering look as he handed her the change but he didn't seem to notice. She turned around and marched towards the exit.
As she opened the door to go out an elderly man with a walking stick hobbled in. Yeah, sure he had a bad posture, so that's why he was looking downwards. She knew exactly where he was looking. The stick was just an excuse, she was convinced, he didn't really need it at all. It was just an excuse for him to letch at her cleavage.
Just outside the shop was her neighbour, Joanne. She was on her own, May wondered where her friend was. The friend was a bit younger than Joanne, and very pretty, May was sure they were lesbians.
"Hello May", smiled Joanne.
"Hello" she replied without any enthusiasm, she didn't want to encourage her. But Joanne wasn't going to let her get away that easily.
"That's a nice blouse May, where did you get it from." Yes, she was definitely on the pull.
"Birthday present."
"Oh, when was your birthday?"
"Yesterday" she lied, if she admitted it was today Joanne might get ideas and try and pick her up.
"Oh, happy birthday yesterday. Actually I've got some news. Me and Angela are getting married."
"Are you? Congratulations! Is it one of those civ . . .
May felt a tap on her shoulder and a familiar voice said "Hello May."
"Kev!" She was glad of the interruption, she rather fancied Kev and they were good friends. "Jo and Ange are getting married. Nice to see you Jo, I've got to get back, bye." She hurried away and left Kev to talk to Joanne.
Further down the street she nearly bumped into the vicar as he was getting out of his car. Everyone thought he was such a pillar of the community and so respectable but May was not so sure, she'd heard about these pervy priests. Perhaps he'd been waiting, choosing his moment so he could pounce as she was passing. "Hello May, beautiful day isn't it?"
"Yes, it's lovely."
"I haven't seen you for a while. Maybe we'll see you in church some time."
She knew what he was up to, he wanted to lure her into his vestry and abuse his trust. At least he'd try but she wouldn't trust him anyway. She said she'd go to church some time and went on her way.
She got home to the smell of coffee being made and found her mother in the kitchen. "Hello May, did you get some milk?
"Yes Mum, here." She placed the carton on the table.
"Hey, I've got some news, Jo and Ange are getting married."
"I know Mum, I just bumped into Jo outside the shop. I'm not surprised, I always knew they were a couple of rug munching lezzas."
"Lesbians if you don't mind! You should really try and be a bit more understanding dear. Anyway they're not. They're marrying a pair of twin brothers they met last year. They're having a double wedding."
"Oh, wow, that's lovely, I thought they were having one of those civil ceremonies together, you know, like, a lesbian marriage." May blushed at the thought of the faux pas she'd nearly made earlier when Kev had turned up.
"Anyway" said her mother with a serious look on her face. "There's something else I need to tell you. Maybe you'd better sit down while I make you a cup of coffee."
She sat down and looked at her mother. May didn't like her mum's new hairstyle, it made her look a bit butch and she wondered why she chose it. Her dress sense had changed as well. She was going for a much more rugged, less feminine look. Then with a shudder she realised what this meant.
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Written by Lizzy (800 comments posted) 27th March 2007 | This was good. Enjoyed the reversal of preduces(is that a word, doesn't look right!). It is often the 'older generation' who express these ideas and the younger one is thought of as being more liberal. Good points well put. The end was a surprise | Hello my friend Written by stevetroster (1555 comments posted) 27th March 2007 | Nice to see you back writing again. Very good story, loved the way you left the end open to the reader to decide. Is mum suddenly going to call herself Roger, or it it just May's over active imagination at work again? I thought that it was so sweet of Lizzy to type a word and then question its validity. I assume that she was aiming at prejudice; although I did look her word up in the dictionary, and apparently it is a term used in poker. If you draw four cards and the second two are two's, then the first two are 'pre-duces.' On a serious note, there are a couple of missing words, so give it another read through. Best wishes Estee. | Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 27th March 2007 | I very much liked this and suspected that something of this sort was in the offing. I wondered if it was Kevin who was going to turn out to be the pervert. Very clever piece, Man-of-the-attic, and I almost feel sorry for this young lady who will now go overboard with the men in an attempt to show the world that she does not share her mother's sexual orientation. I think you could take this further. In Tokyo, I had a colleague who was adamant that any of the male teachers who did not fancy her were gay. So according to her, a whopping putative majority of colleagues were assigned an alternative sexuality just to accomodate her considerable ego. Some eventually got married, to women, Japanese or otherwise, but that didn't sway her a bit. Latent, they were. And in denial. | I'm undecided on this one... Written by anorwegianwood (278 comments posted) 27th March 2007 | I don't know what it is, but something about this piece just didn't sit right with me. Maybe I couldn't connect with the character. She seemed a little flat to me. I certainly didn't dislike it, it just seemed off somehow. But as you've already had three positive reviews, maybe it's just not a fit with my personal tastes. ~Claire | Hi LIA Written by jean.day (2283 comments posted) 27th March 2007 | | Good piece. Well written, and the interest was kept up throughout. | Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 28th March 2007 | Hi Lizzy, ST, Witzl and Jean, thanks for your comments, I'm glad you enjoyed this. I couldn't spot the missing words ST, unless you mean May's dialogue with Joanne where she was dragging her feet a bit and using as few words as possible. Thanks for your comments as well Claire. I'll have to admit I didn't really think about May's background much more than was essential for the story so maybe that's why she seemed a bit flat. I'm only just learning to create fictional characters so should improve with practice. Cheers, Ben
| Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 28th March 2007 | | I'm with Claire, I'm afraid. I like the concept, having her predu... predju... having her biased opinions challenged by her mum. This is where the real drama (and thus the real humour) occurs, when our fervent beliefs are challenged. It just seems a little OTT, that all she thinks about is the sexual perversion of others. I would have preferred it toned down a tad. | Written by coosh (868 comments posted) 28th March 2007 | | Liked the idea of this. The string of examples almost turned the prejudice/paranoia into a conspiracy theory - and I suppose there are strong similarities - if you insist on this type of viewpoint, you interpret everything to fit that view, however illogical. To an extent, I felt you almost ended with a good starting point... and it would therefore be worth continuing. | Does this help? Written by stevetroster (1555 comments posted) 28th March 2007 | I read it through three times and could only find one missing word, I was certain there were two! 'he wanted (TO) lure her into his vestry She glared at him as (should this be 'and' ?) he looked sheepishly away She turned round (what shape was she before?) "she turned 'round / or around. As she was being served (comma) May was sure the assistant took a sneaky look down her blouse. OR May was sure that the assistant took a sneaky look down her blouse as he was serving her. Hope this repays you for Ripper? Thanks again. Steve | Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 28th March 2007 | Thanks for your suggestions Steve, they were very useful. I've now incorporated them into the work. I don't know how many times I've read that first bit without noticing that the 'to' was missing, so well spotted. Cheers. Thanks for your views Snodlander and Coosh. Maybe I went to the extreme here which is always going to polarise opinions. I'll definitely think about extending this at some point.
| Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 28th March 2007 | Good idea here and you followed it through to some effect. However, I'm slightly with Snoddums on this one. The style is just a little bit too much. Also thought Coosh's comment was valid - you've ended on a good beginning. Phil. | Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 29th March 2007 | Thanks for your comment Phil. If I do a rewrite I'll have a look at the style but the story itself would remain basically the same. I'm all for making the work more accessible by improving the quality, but not compromising with the subject matter. I'm not likely to get anything published for a while so I might as well develop my skills by writing stuff I enjoy, whether it means going to the extreme or doing more gentle humour, or even some more serious work. I don't think GW is about toning things down or making compromises and that's one reason why I like this site. I still like the idea of continuing with this and I've started thinking about some of the other characters, so I might write more stories around them. Cheers, Ben | Written by Bondvillain2k (15 comments posted) 7th April 2007 | | I liked this, particularly the paranoia that kept cropping up. She's not a character I'd like to spend much more than 2000 words readin about because as has been said, she's ever so slightly flat, but expand her bitchiness and you could have a good love-to-hate character on your hands. | Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 8th April 2007 | Thanks BV2K, I like the idea of making her character a bit more complex. Reading this again I think I could improve the narrative as well, that and the characterisation should get better with a bit of practice.
| well built up Written by kevinrobson73 (371 comments posted) 5th May 2007 | i liked the show not tell the way you progressively gave the reader more character insight | ooh Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 15th July 2007 | I'd love it if you'd carry on with this, desperately want this teenager to actaully blunder where she narrowly missed before! But I agree with kevin, as it is it's a nice little progressive piece. Love the judgemental/conspiratorial/almost paranoid teenage girl mentality you've got going for her, really effective clo | Written by Seagull (174 comments posted) 22nd August 2007 | Read the story and all the reviews/comments etc. I think it's lean and tight but none the worse for it. Why use 750 words when 500 would do? There's a lot of dialogue in here; perhaps it would work better as a visual piece? I like it but prefer the other one with similar title. Cheers Chris | Great fun Written by Leigh (226 comments posted) 29th May 2008 | I love this. May is such an egotistical character, to imagine everyone she meets - be they old men, vicars or straight women - automatically fancies her. Like Witzl, I knew a few people like her! I enjoyed the pay-off about the two 'lesbians' in fact marrying twin brothers, and the ending is brilliant. I love the way you imply what Mum is about to confess rather than actually state it by way of dialogue. |
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