Chapter 18

Shocked by Donna’s sudden outburst, he put the letter down on the table, and turned around to face her.  He put his arms around her waist, and pulled her close to him.

“Donna!” he said, his voice shaking.  “Do you really think that anything will stop me from being there when our baby is born?  Do you think so little of me?”

“Please, Jon!” she said, her eyes filling with tears.  “Promise me – you’ll be by my side when the time comes! At the moment, I need you more than she ever will! Please?”

The pain and pleading in her voice went straight to his heart, and he held her close, kissing the top of her head.  This wasn’t fair, he thought, why did people have to play with his feelings like this?  Was he really such a soft touch?  Stupid question, really.  If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t be feeling this way right now.  Donna pulled herself free, and went through to the living room.  She sat down on the sofa, sighing heavily – she looked very tired.

“I’m going to have a little nap” she said, curling up with a cushion.  “Can you see to Rosie?”

“Sure” he said, kissing her gently. “You go to sleep, I’ll look after her!”

He stood watching for a few minutes, as she drifted off to sleep.  He thought how childlike she looked with her hand next to her face, her other hand held protectively over her bump.  She looked so vulnerable and so precious – the mother of his child.

“You daft sod!” he muttered under his breath, as he quickly brushed away the tears that suddenly sprang to his eyes.

While he was waiting for Rosie to wake up from her morning nap, against his better judgement he picked up Emily’s letter, and read it again.  As usual, it tore at his heartstrings, especially when he got to the last line, saying that she could not live without him.  Oh dear God, what was he going to do?  Why did life always have to be so complicated?  It shouldn’t have been really, but, as usual, he wanted to please everybody – a feat which, he should have known by now, was usually impossible.  He thought of Donna’s words when she first saw the letter, and knew that he had to harden his heart, and try and ignore it – there was no way he was going to risk losing everything he held dear.  He put it away in a drawer, and tried to forget about it, and concentrate on the imminent arrival of the new baby – that was his priority now.

A couple of days later, when Donna was feeling particularly fragile, he offered to go to the supermarket to do the weekly shop.  He knew he would probably be recognised, but he did not really mind – it was all part of the territory, and, as someone once said, the time to worry was when people stopped recognising him!  As he stood there in one of the aisles, trying to make up his mind whether to buy Cheerios or Sugar Puffs, he gave a sudden start as a little hand tugged his sleeve. He turned around and saw…  oh not again …  Emily!

He did not know what to say to her, but she saved him the trouble.

“Did you get my letter, Jon?” she said, not letting go of his hand.

She seized on his hesitation, and despite his protests that he had not received it, she knew he was not telling the truth.  She could not hide her hurt.

“Why didn’t you answer it?” she said, tears beginning to roll down her face.  “Don’t you care any more?”

Her mother looked him straight in the eye, and said, her voice cold:

“I told you this would happen, Emily!  Didn’t I say he’d forget about you eventually?  This is why I wanted to stop you from seeing him!  I didn’t want to see your heart broken!”

“That’s rich coming from you!” he said, bitterly.  “You haven’t even asked why I didn’t answer it – you have no idea what I’ve been through over the last few months!  No idea!  So don’t you dare stand there in judgement on me!”

“Okay!” said Emily’s mother.  “Why don’t we go and have a coffee somewhere, and you can tell me!  Try and make me understand, give me a damn good reason why I should let you back into my daughter’s life!”

“I promised my wife I’d come straight home!” he said.  “She’s going to have our baby any day now!”

“It won’t take long!” she snapped, unrelenting.  “I know a little café just around the corner – we’ll go there!  Your wife won’t even notice you’re gone!”

“You don’t know Donna!” he muttered, as he followed them out of the shop.  “She notices every fart that flies!”

In the meantime, Donna was watching TV with Rosie on her lap, when she felt a sharp pain shoot across her stomach, but as she did not want to alarm her little girl, she did not mention it.  She made a mental note of the time, so she would know how long it had been when the next contraction came.  Hopefully Jon would be home soon, she knew that, being her second baby, he or she would probably arrive sooner than Rosie had done, and she did not want to face this on her own.  The contractions began to get closer together, and still there was no sign of him – where had he got to?  The truth was that he got so involved in conversation with Emily and her mother that he had not noticed the time flying by. 

“Mummy?” said Rosie, looking extremely worried as Donna gasped her way through another contraction. “All right, mummy?”

“I think your little brother or sister is on the way!” she said, unable to hide it any longer.  “I wish your daddy would come home!  Where the hell is he?”

Suddenly, the telephone rang, but before she could get to it, Rosie picked it up.  Her face lit up when she realised who it was.

“Hello, nanny!” she said.  “Mummy’s having the baby!”

She handed the telephone over to Donna, who began to plead with her mother to come over.  She was beginning to feel scared on her own, and, at the same time, angry and bewildered that her husband was nowhere to be seen.  By the time her mother arrived, the contractions were just over five minutes apart – the birth was getting closer and closer.

She lay there in her bed in the maternity wing, having left Rosie with the ever dependable Eileen (what would they have done without her?),  with tears rolling down her face.  Where was Jon?  He had promised her he would be there – he’d promised!  What on earth had happened to him?  He must have had an accident, there was nothing else that would stop him from being there – there was no other explanation, surely?

Meanwhile, as Eileen knelt on the floor playing with Rosie, she heard the back door open.

“Daddy!” said Rosie, running over to him.  “Mummy having baby!”

“Oh, hell!”

With that, he tore out of the door, and made his way to the hospital.  As he hurried through the winding corridors to maternity, he hoped and prayed he would be on time for his baby’s birth.  As he entered the maternity unit, he met Donna’s mother coming out of the ward.

“Oh, so you decided to show up, then!” she said, her face like thunder.  “I’m sorry, but you missed all the action!”

“What!?” he said, his voice a strangled whisper.

“Now you’re here…” she said, her voice cutting.  “you may as well meet your new daughter!  Come with me!”

Not really taking in where he was going, he followed Donna’s mother to a small bay in the maternity ward, which, at the moment Donna had all to herself.

“I’ll leave you to it!” said his mother in law, giving him a disgusted look, that would have turned him to stone if he had stood there long enough.

He walked over to the bed, and peeped into the crib, where his new baby daughter lay sleeping.  Suddenly blinded by tears, he bent over and placed a featherlight kiss upon her forehead.  He looked up at Donna – nothing could have prepared him for the look of abysmal pain on her face.

“Where were you?” she said, her voice shaking uncontrollably. “I was so scared!  I needed you – but you weren’t here! Where were you?”

“I’m so sorry, Donna!” he said, tears streaming down his face.  “I’m so sorry, but I saw her in the supermarket, and she….  “

“What!”  Donna was beside herself.  “After everything you promised me, you’ve done it again!  You just can’t help yourself, can you!  You missed the birth of your own child because of her!  You knew how scared I was!  You knew I wanted you here!  Well, if she means so much to you, why don’t you go to her?  Go on, go!  The way I feel at the moment, I don’t even want to look at you!”

“Please, Donna….” 

“I said – go!!” she repeated, through gritted teeth, her dark eyes glittering with anger. “I warned you what would happen if you let me down – I can’t forgive you for this! I can’t ever trust you again!  I’m sorry, Jon – it’s over!”

“Donna, tell me you don’t mean it, please, I’m begging you….”

She turned her back on him, refusing to say another word. He lingered by the bed for a moment, then, realising it was futile, he almost ran from the ward, blinded by the scalding tears that were streaming down his face.  He bumped into Donna’s mother, who held him at arm’s length to stop herself from falling.  She had heard every word.

“Why did you do it, Jon?” she said, as he covered his face with his hands, his whole body racked by huge, shuddering sobs.  “You had it all!  You had everything a man could want – yet you threw it away! One day, you’ll realise just what you’ve done!”

As he looked at her, still quite unable to speak, she saw the look of helpless pain in his now lifeless blue eyes, and guessed that he had already realised – but the realisation had come too late.

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