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Drama Scripts
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Cracks
By pnc-creative
30 March 2007
Probably won't come across in this short opening, but what I'm aiming for is a contrast of comedic foolishness (Steve's little gang) and a terrifying descent into madness (Steve and Donna).

I want to depict the sorry world of small-time criminals without glamourising the lifestyle. But neither do I want to be holier-than-thou and preach against the evils of substance abuse. It is simply a backdrop to the main story.

The major events in this story are all based on real incidents. The locations and people in this piece are real too - just the names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

Have a read and let me know what you think.

PNC x

PS: I apologise to those who don't like swearing - I have tried not to be gratuitous..

INT. BATHROOM. LATE NIGHT. PRESENT DAY.

DONNA sits in a bath full of water. She is leaning forward, her elbows resting on her thighs, her face in her hands. She raises her head a little so that her eyes are uncovered. Her mascara has run. She stares hollowly at the middle distance.

DONNA (VOICEOVER): You’re on a train, my dad used to say. Meaning, you’ve started down a track that only goes one way and only stops at one destination. [pause] After ten years waiting on the platform, I finally boarded the midnight express. [pause] I think this is my stop.

There is pounding at the front door.

DONNA’s only reaction to the noise is a small frown. She closes her eyes...

FADE TO BLACK.

The banging continues throughout fade.


INT. THE CHAPEL - NIGHTCLUB. MORNING. 10 YEARS EARLIER.

Banging continues but now there is glass breaking, things being broken. A small group of masked men armed with baseball bats are smashing the bar up.

A much younger DONNA comes flying out from a back office. The nearest thug takes a swing and catches her in the stomach. She falls to the ground. The man stands over her.

MAN: Tell him, the next time he pulls a stunt like that, we’ll torch the fucking place.

He rounds up the rest of the gang and they leave. DONNA is left lying on the ground, clutching her stomach.


INT. DONNA & STEVE’s HOUSE - KITCHEN. PRESENT DAY.  30 DAYS AGO – EVENING.

DONNA and her fourteen year old nephew, LUKE, are sitting at the table eating and talking about this and that.

DONNA (VOICEOVER): Apparently, the Lord giveth and he taketh away. But not necessarily in that order. I lost the baby but within the year my sister had managed to drink herself to death. And we got Luke, her boy. My lucky star.

Sound of the front door, STEVE walks in.

DONNA (VOICEOVER): Choices and consequences go hand in hand. Like me and Steve. He was my choice.

STEVE: Why aren’t you down the club?

DONNA: It’s only eight o’clock. They’ll manage for a while.

DONNA stands and starts to clear dishes. LUKE gets up from the table. He smiles at STEVE, who in turn tousles his hair as he leaves the room.

STEVE: [to LUKE] good lad. [to DONNA] You alright?

DONNA: Yeah. You want to eat?

STEVE: Nah, I’ve got to go out again. Business.

DONNA (VOICEOVER): And there it is. [beat] The consequence.

DONNA nods sadly and continues tidying up.


INT. DONNA & STEVE’S HOUSE - BEDROOM.

DONNA is getting dressed for work. STEVE is sitting on the floor in front of the wardrobe. There is a safe in the wardrobe. The door is open. He pulls out a stack of cash, bags of pills and a couple of bags of cocaine.

STEVE puts the items in a bag, shuts the safe and gets up. He kisses DONNA and leaves.

STEVE: See you later.

DONNA goes to the wardrobe to shut the door. She pauses for a minute, looking at the safe. She closes the wardrobe door.

DONNA (VOICEOVER): Like I said, I made my choices and I live with the consequences.


INT. THE CHAPEL - BACK ROOM.  28 DAYS AGO – DAY.

DONNA (VOICEOVER): Still, I got what I wanted. After the Meehans trashed the place, Steve signed The Chapel over to me as his way of saying sorry. ‘Course, I’m not stupid. If the club’s not his, it can’t be used as a threat again.

STEVE and his cronies are sitting in the office, drinking, smoking. There are half a dozen sealed bricks of coke on the desk. One of the men is on a mobile phone. He finishes the call, snaps the phone shut and throws it on the table.

DECKER: Well, that’s fucked that up the Khyber.

STEVE: Problem?

DECKER: The bill have put the wind up Lenny. He’s gone to his mum’s.

MILKY: Ah, man. What we gonna do?

STEVE: Get another runner.

JEZ: Easier said than done, bro. We’re sticky. Need a new face. Someone who can go in under the radar.

The door opens. STEVE quickly slides the coke into the desk drawer. BOBBY sticks his head round door.

STEVE: Fuck it, Bobby. What did I say about knocking first? You moron.

BOBBY: Sorry, Steve. But Luke’s stopped off on his way home.

STEVE: Okay, I’ll be out in a minute.

The door shuts. The guys are looking at STEVE.

STEVE: What?

The guys stare at him expectantly. The penny drops.

STEVE: Oh, no, no, no. Fuck that. Donna’ll do her nut.

The guys start laughing.

STEVE: Get serious. House rules – Luke’s off limits.

JEZ: Oh, come on. It’ll just be this one time. Pavel’s expecting a delivery tomorrow morning. He’s happy, we’re all happy. Donna doesn’t even need to know.

MILKY: [sniggering] Yeah, you under the thumb or what?

The room goes quiet for a long minute. STEVE suddenly jumps up and smacks MILKY across the face. MILKY crashes to the floor. STEVE slams out of the office. JEZ stands and looks down at MILKY.

JEZ: You fuckwit.


INT. DONNA & STEVE’S HOUSE - HALLWAY.  27 DAYS AGO – MIDDAY.

DONNA is sitting on the stairs, talking on the phone.

DONNA: And it takes you all morning to call me? He left the house at eight. [listens] Well, of course, I don’t know where he is. He’s supposed to be at school.

The doorbell rings. DONNA ends the call and gets up to open the door.

DONNA: [as she opens the door] You’d better have a bloody good reason-

There is a detective and two uniform officers on the doorstep. The detective starts to speak.

DONNA (VOICEOVER): The Lord giveth and he taketh away.

DONNA staggers back, hand flying to her mouth. The two uniform officers step forward and catch her. They move her back into the hallway. The detective steps in and closes the door behind him.


INT. THE CHAPEL - BACK ROOM. 26 DAYS AGO – DAY.

STEVE and the guys are sitting in the office. No one speaks for a while.

BOBBY: What we gonna do, Steve?

STEVE: Nothing.

DECKER: What about Donna? What you gonna tell her?

STEVE: Again, nothing. As far as she’s concerned, it was a street robbery. Gone a bit wrong.

DECKER: That’s a bit harsh. She deserves to know the truth.

STEVE: The truth isn’t going to bring him back.

DECKER: Yeah, but-

STEVE: [bangs his hand on the desk] Are you fucking mad? Donna finds out Luke was running for me, it’ll kill her.

MILKY: [who is sporting a black eye] If she doesn’t kill you first.

Everyone stares at MILKY. JEZ shakes his head.

STEVE: Get him out of here. Jez, a word.

They wait for the others to leave. STEVE rubs his chin, he looks suddenly grey and tired. He pulls a mirror and a wrap of coke from his drawer, starts chopping.

JEZ: So, any news on who did it?

STEVE takes a snort, shakes his head.

STEVE: Not yet. But no one nicks five grand’s worth of coke from me and expects to get away with it.

JEZ: I meant Luke.

STEVE: What? Uh, yeah, that too.

STEVE pushes the mirror across the desk towards JEZ. JEZ declines.

JEZ: What about Pavel?

STEVE: Not impressed. Whoever jumped Luke has made us look like right muppets.

JEZ: I don’t know why you want to get involved with the Poles. They all chuffing mental.

STEVE: ‘Cos he’s new in town and we’ve got to get in there before anyone else does.

JEZ: I thought we were doing alright.

STEVE: Alright doesn’t cut it anymore, Jez.

JEZ: I don’t know, Steve. Just doesn’t seem right.

STEVE: Look, leave Pavel to me. You find my coke.


Reviews

Written by Phil (6435 comments posted) 31st March 2007
First off, I've got to say, I saw no comedic value in this at all - sorry. That said, I also thought this had a lot to offer. The plot was very strong and will drive this along if you were to extend it. Not sure about how the voice overs would work. I tried to 'hear it' as I was picturing the acting - hard not to be cliched - although I did like what you'd included in them. They could work. You need the opinion of someone with more experience in staging than I. (Almost none.) 
 
Thought this was a strong piece for its plot. Some of the dialogue was very good. It did feel a bit rushed - you got through so much in so little time. 
 
I hope all of the above makes sense - I think I've waffled a little. 
 
Stick with it. This is definitely worth work.  
 
Phil.

Written by pnc-creative (30 comments posted) 1st April 2007
Thanks Phil - valued critique as usual. Always useful to get comments from a first-time reader because I look at it every day, I know what's coming and how it all ends, and it's so easy to make assumptions that everyone else knows what you're thinking! 
Take on board what you say about comedic value. Like I said, these are the opening scenes (probably 10-15 mins) so I was aiming for every character to start on the same level. As the story progresses and gets darker, the gang get sillier under the pressure. This is to balance the meltdown Donna goes through when she realises Steve and the boys are responsible for Luke's death. I also have plans for an element of visual comedy (like in Shane Meadows' "Dead Man's Shoes", where the baddies drive around in a green and white 2CV). 
Reason for the voiceover - I'm toying with the idea that this is where Donna expresses herself as she becomes more and more isolated from the rest of the characters. 
Cheers 
PNC x
Think.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 1st April 2007
Hello PNC. 
 
You haven't caught too many comments and I thought that a touch unjust as you have clearly put some effort into this and, unlike others who can't read English, have attempted to place a script on on a script site. 
 
First off I have to say I can find no fault with this from the purely technical viewpoint, other than the dialogue is a touch wooden and if you are thinking of entering the mindset of the petty criminal you need to do just that and enter the mindset of the petty criminal by reproducing his/her argot in the dialogue. Yours is somewhat, to put it charitably ' RADA blagh '. 
 
More seriously I think the content is in a territory recently overfished. Culminating in Graham Duff's so recent superlative 'IDEAL ', I fear you will find every Script Editor's desk awash with small time crook stories. Indeed I can assusre you they are and yours are little or no different than the rest of them. You need a big idea if you are going to succed in presenting a script and I have to say sadly that this does not sound to me that it has any of the ingredients for one. 
 
I am sorry to sound so negative but that is why we post on this site and if I don't say what I feel to be the brutal truth then I am being both callous and dishonest. Worse someone else will do so with less apology further down the line.  
 
I do look forward to your having a further bash. Either with this or with something else. Comedy Scriptwriting is such a serious and tortuous business and I have never I think met anyone who has got it right without blood, sweat and fears. 
 
Best of luck. 
 
Slan!

Written by pnc-creative (30 comments posted) 1st April 2007
Thanks for your comments, GC, but as I work with these people every day (and have done for the last 8 years) I kind of get the way they speak and think. A lot of them are more educated and articulate than the rest of us "snobs" assume. Many of them go down this road just to have a life a little less ordinary, albeit a rather misguided notion. 
Having said that, the criminal lifestyle is just the backdrop to the story and not the story itself. From what I have posted, you wouldn't be expected to get that, but hopefully as I post more it will become clear. 
And it's just one opinion amongst many but describing Ideal as superlative doesn't incline me to think you are part of the target audience. Then again, I'm probably not included in yours. 
Kind regards, 
PNC
and another thing...
Written by pnc-creative (30 comments posted) 1st April 2007
...this isn't a comedy, people. I am just using comedy to alleviate what could be a relentlessly depressing story with a high body count.
No change.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 1st April 2007
Though I take your point, it remains that you may know them all personally and better than anyone. But that does NOT come over from the text in any convincing manner. That is just another hoodie snuff. If you are so well acquainted you need to bring them to life for the third party reader/listener not keep it to yourself. Or introduce the real theme. I have to say that from where I am standing you don't strike me as doing either. Sooner or later you are going to have to address that gap in dramatic credability. 
 
Maybe there is more. But a reviewer can only judge on what is set before him/her and what is before me doesn't give me any reason to repeat what I previously said. It lacks any seeming originality and the dialogue is lame. 
 
So sadly no change. 
 

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3174 comments posted) 1st April 2007
I'm really puzzled you say you are using comedy to alleviate a depressing story but I see no hint of it .It is not set up anywhere. This seems to be such a bleak story I can't imagine how the humour would play anyway. 
I thought the story was a good one setting up different possible conflicts. I don't have a problem with the voiceover; they can work well but the dialogue has to be pin sharp and powerful with them. I know nothing of this world and your portrayal of it seemed convincing and authentic.The characters all seemed plausible. The dialogue did seema bit 'on the nose' in places,some of it is clearly more for our benefit than for theirs but I grant you exposition is fiendishly tricky stuff to get across credibily. You got my interest though. I'll look out for more, and the formatting made it a pleasure to read 
cheers 
J

Written by pnc-creative (30 comments posted) 2nd April 2007
Hello Bottleblondesurfer, 
Thanks for the constructive feedback. A critique always has value when there is talent behind it and I consider you and Coosh to be two of the most valuable assets this forum has. 
Anyway, not that I am in anyway remotely comparing myself to the Bard (only one person on this forum could live up to that claim - apparently) but if you think about some of Shakespeare's tragedies, there are always little pockets of banter and tomfoolery to stop us from slicing our wrists. Maybe I set the table out wrong by using the word "comedy" instead of "humour" - my bad. 
This is the first draft and it will go through numerous re-writes to tighten it up. If you have a chance, watch "Dead Man's Shoes". This has the feel and look I am trying to aspire to. 
Cheers 
PNC x

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 2nd April 2007
For me (and I don't know much about scripts!) this got better as it went along. I thought the very beginning was a bit too bitty - found it hard to visualise the piece but I had gotten into it a lot more by the end. 
 
One thing that might be worth thinking about - I found it hard to empathise with Donna at this early stage, not sure why but she seemed a little flat as a character but plenty of time for that to change. 
 
I enjoyed this overall and I'd come back to read more. I'm not sure that this is an opening - Luke's death is skimmed over rather and it didn;t have the punch that I'd maybe expect from an opening but as an early part of the story - good. 
 
Elli

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