|
By footy
|
|
31 March 2007 |
Another world, another place?
Men are Collectors of women.
Women want to be free.
(Have moved this work, it is published on an e-zine: http://www.ink-sweat-and-tears.com/) |
Hoorah!
Written by stevetroster (1600 comments posted) 30th March 2007 | The master has returned. All hale.
This is another of your beautiful flowery pieces of literature, and although I do sometimes wish that you would finish what you have started (E.G. Bottle, Hive etc.) I suppose that I would miss the excitement I get from reading a new piece. It is like being five again. Picking up the first of many christmas presents and giving it a gentle shake, being careful not to break the mysterious contents whilst trying to guess if it's something that you want. However In your case there is no need to guess, I do want it!
One good turn etc. Is this correct? (harden) hardened?
Thanks again
Steve. | thanks
Written by footy (38 comments posted) 30th March 2007 | thanks for the encouraging words Steve
changed hardened!
felt like i needed to write something, anything, have been studying too hard and my brain needed to create! | Sorry!
Written by stevetroster (1600 comments posted) 30th March 2007 | I'm back again. Remembering what your good lady mentioned about word repetition in close proximity, there is one section that bothers me.
"Suddenly, stretching her (wings) out, she fills the night with kaleidoscope colours, as lights pierce translucent (wings)."
Suddenly, as lights pierce translucent wings, she stretches, filling the night with kaleidoscope colours
Just a thought. |
Written by Lizzy (828 comments posted) 31st March 2007 | This is lovely.
Can't think of anything else to say
Lizzy |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 31st March 2007 | Yes -- this is great.
You didn't by any chance read John Fowles' novel The Collector, did you? I did, and I have been haunted by it ever since. Your story is a good antidote to that one; I was so afraid that your butterfly wouldn't get away, but she did, thank God.
I like Steve's analogy about the Christmas presents. |
Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 31st March 2007 | Yep, lovely combination of visual and figurative language.
Phil. |
Written by anorwegianwood (278 comments posted) 31st March 2007 | I agree with the crowd. Beautifully written.
~Claire |
Written by ellipinnock (1790 comments posted) 1st April 2007 | Yep, lovely. And I thought you got a good balance in this one between keeping a lot of good description and generally delicate use of language but maintaining enough of a plot that the reader can follow easily and think around on their own. I do think you have a tendency to be a bit too obscure but thought this beautifully balanced. Well done.
Elli |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
