Chapter 19

Making a superhuman effort to pull himself together, he went back to Donna’s bed, but she refused to even acknowledge he was there.  He glanced down at his newborn daughter, as she began to stir, her eyes flickering open.  She was so beautiful, he thought, so precious – he should have been here….

“Can I pick her up?” he said, his self control still very much under threat.

“She’s yours, isn’t she?” snapped Donna, still with her back to him.  “Even though you don’t deserve her!”

He flinched as though she had slapped him.  God, that hurt!  Still, he could not blame her.  He reached into the crib, and gently lifted her up, cradling her in his arms.  As her tiny fist gripped his finger, all the pain, confusion and anger he was feeling suddenly overwhelmed him, and he broke down once again, holding the precious new life close to his heart, shaking with silent, but uncontrollable sobs.  Donna turned to look at him, her heart aching.

“We never did decide on a name” she said, unable to look him in the eye.  “how about Clare?”

“Whatever you want!” he said, his voice barely audible.  “That’s a lovely name!  Hello, Clare!  I’m sorry daddy wasn’t here when you arrived, I’m so sorry….”

He placed her back in her crib, and turned to face Donna.  One look at her told him nothing had changed – she was still mad at him, and justifiably so.  He leaned over to kiss her, but she turned her head away, leaving him totally at a loss.  As he made his way home in a total daze, he could not help wondering how it had come to this.  What should have been one of the most wonderful times in his life had caused so much pain – this tiny little mite was totally unaware of the bittersweet joy she had brought to her parents.  Damn Emily, he thought, then felt ashamed for cursing her like that – none of this was her fault, she hadn’t asked for much – just his love and his time.  The only thing was, although love was something he was not short of, the life he led placed considerable demands on his time – and, through trying to please everyone, he had ended up pleasing no-one, and had lost the most important person in his life.

As he walked into the living room, Eileen looked up from the book she was reading.  Rosie was having a nap, so she had decided to make the most of it.

“Well?” she said, as he sat down next to her.  “what does Rosie have?  A brother or a sister?”

“A sister!” he said, staring straight ahead, his voice expressionless.  “Her name’s Clare”

“Mother and baby both well?”

“What’s this?” he yelled, standing up.  “twenty bloody questions?”

Eileen shrank back from him, her eyes filling with tears.  She had never seen him lose his temper before.  He was normally so sweet natured and easy going – this out-of-character outburst shocked her to the core.  He noticed her reaction, and all the anger suddenly drained out of him, and he sat down again, holding on to her for all he was worth.  He was crying so hard he could hardly breathe, he was talking, but not coherently.  Eileen was too shocked to speak at first, she just gently rocked him back and forth, rubbing his back, in a vain attempt at consolation.

“Oh, love!” she said, desperately trying to swallow the lump in her throat.

“Whatever’s the matter?  Is something wrong with the baby?  Is it Donna?”

“I blew it, Eileen!” he sobbed, still clinging on to her.  “I’ve lost her! I’ve lost everything!  Oh, Jesus, what am I going to do?  It’s all gone…..   “

He lifted his head up from her shoulder, and the pain in his eyes was almost more than she could bear.  What the hell had gone wrong?

“You’re not making any sense, Jon!” she said, handing him her handkerchief. “Please, calm down – and tell me what’s going on!”

“I don’t know where to start!  It’s all gone wrong – everything’s falling apart around me, and I don’t know what to do!”

“Come on – that’s enough!” said Eileen, gently.  “Calm down – take a few deep breaths and take it slowly!  I’ve got all the time in the world!  Come on – talk to me!”

After several cups of coffee, and enough tears to sink the Titanic, he finally managed to tell her what had happened.  She sat there with him on the sofa, her eyes glistening with tears, her heart aching for him, but, at the same time, she felt angry, too that once again he had let his heart rule his head.  He had been warned so many times, by so many people, but he hadn’t listened, and now he had lost his life’s most wonderful prize – his beautiful Donna.

“I know you’re going through hell, love!” she said, putting her hand on his.  “but Donna must be in unimaginable pain right now!  Let’s face it – you let her down!  There’s no other way of putting it.  You should be celebrating that precious little baby’s birth – together. Instead, she’s there, probably breaking her heart, and you’re here, doing exactly the same!  I know you loved that little girl, sweetheart, and what you did for her was admirable, but I don’t think you need me to point out that no matter what she asked of you, it wasn’t worth risking everything you held dear!”

“I suppose you hate me just as much as she does!” he said, calmer now, but the pain inside him still gnawing away like a physical ache.

“No, love!” she replied, softly.  “I don’t hate you – hate is a very strong word.  I’m angry with you, but I can’t help feeling for you at the same time.   Donna doesn’t hate you either, she’s just hurting – and we all say things we don’t mean when we’re hurting!”

“She meant it, all right!” he said, giving her a sideways glance, tears threatening yet again.  “The thing is, Eileen, there’s not a damn thing I can say to justify what happened!  I should have been there for my baby’s birth – and I wasn’t!  I don’t deserve my wife’s love, I don’t deserve my children’s love either….”

“Don’t say that, love!” she pleaded, her hand on his shoulder.  “Children don’t judge, they love you unconditionally – you’ll always have their love, whatever happens between you and Donna!”

“They may love me, Eileen, but how can I ever look them in the eye again, after what I’ve done?  I’ve let them down, I’ve let Donna down – I’ve let everyone down whoever cared for me!  How can I ever face any of them again?  I can’t, Eileen!  I can’t….. “

“Stop it, Jon!” she ordered, more sharply than she had intended.  “Stop talking like that!  You don’t know what you’re saying …..”

“Look at all this!” he yelled, suddenly losing it, gesturing to Eileen at his beautifully furnished living room.  “I don’t need this any more, do I!  It’s worth bugger all now!”

With that, he crossed the room and swept all the ornaments and pictures off his mantelpiece with his hand, not even flinching as they smashed on the hearth.  He picked up a vase and hurled it at the wall, closely followed by their coffee cups.  For once in her life, Eileen did not know what to do.  She was in no position to stop him – there was no way she could overpower a grown man, especially one almost out of his mind with anger and pain.  Her pleas fell on deaf ears, as he systematically smashed anything that was breakable.  Neither of them heard the door open, but, as he raised his hand to aim another photo at the wall, Mike appeared behind him, pinning his arms to his sides.  He struggled in vain to escape his grip, his strength was almost superhuman – Mike only just managed to hold on.

“Let go of me!” he raged, his anger intensifying.  “Get off me!  Leave me alone!  Get off me!  If you don’t, I’ll….  “

“That’s enough!” snapped Mike, tightening his grip.  “Stop it, right now!  This isn’t going to achieve anything!  That’s enough, I said!!”

When he was satisfied he had calmed down sufficiently, Mike let go of him.  He stood there facing Mike, his eyes blazing, breathing heavily after all his exertion.  The look of concern on Mike’s face broke down his fragile defences, and he stood there amongst all the devastation, his breath coming in convulsive gasps, as once again, he began to sob uncontrollably.

“Tell me what to do, Mike!” he wept, leaning on his shoulder.  “It hurts so much!  What am I supposed to do now?  How do I go on without her, Mike?  How do I go on without my reason for living!”

Mike just held him close, not saying a single word, because – for once in his life – he could not think of an answer.