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By LilGryphMaster
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23 March 2005 |
More on love. I had a thing about starting a poem out beautifully, then
turning it into a sad, depressing pile of melancholy trash at the end. Your hair
Your eyes
Your smile
It's all so wonderful Your heart
Your soul
Your mind
It's all just so thoughtful Rainy days with you
Walks in the park
Just being alone with you
It was all so soothing Your love
Your words
Your undying faith
It was all so perfect Your absence
Your transparency
Your disappearance
It's all so unbearable Days without you
Never laying eyes on you
Being apart from you
It's all just so terrible Your love
Your words
Your faith
It's all so... gone
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How true...
Written by nascent (106 comments posted) 22nd March 2005 | I like the gradual move from present to past and back to present again as you progress from happy to sad. Has a lovely rhythm.
cheers,
nascent |
Written by Crayfish (11 comments posted) 23rd March 2008 | It feels very emotional but I think it needs personality - more of a specific story. Love, hate, death, life - all those grand poetic subjects breed a complex array of emotions but in order to be properly captured, celebrated, explored, understood etc. in words they need to be part of some sort of structure. Leaving the sources of the emotions to the audience is a powerful but sometimes I feel like writers could try hinting a bit more. Just give me something from which I can unravel a unique story.
I do love the rhythm of your poem, though. And the beautiful repetition! |
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