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SCENE 1 Two men are sat in a windowless waiting room.

SIMON I cannot believe what has just happened

PETER: I... I'm sorry...

SIMON: I mean you...

PETER: Yes...

SIMON: And then you...

PETER: (closes his eyes) I know...

SIMON: I don't think that a bottle of vodka is going to be sufficient this time.

They stare straight ahead

PETER: Look, I...

A seven foot tall ANGEL with eyes of fire enters the room. He's carrying a clipboard and holding a chewed Biro between his teeth.

SIMON and PETER (clutching each other): Ahhhhh!!!!

They recognise the ANGEL and relax. PETER's hand stays clutching SIMON's shirt. SIMON swats it away impatiently

SIMON (regaining some dignity): I'm just not getting used to that...

ANGEL: Sorry for the delay gentlemen - it's been a busy day. (consults his notes) OK so Simon and Peter. Best friends since infancy.  Born in the same hospital a few weeks apart. Died side by side. Hit by the same number 63 bus, while traveling in the same car. (He lowers his clipboard and bends his head towards them. He bares his teeth apologetically) Nasty. Was it quick?

SIMON: (slowly and deliberately, staring at the angel's face) I don't remember.

ANGEL: (standing upright and speaking brightly again) Probably was then! Now it says here that Peter - you were a committed Christian who gave your life to Jesus at the age of 23. You spent the next 20 years evangelizing, preaching, selling religious T shirts and going to church every Sunday where you sang, danced, prayed and generally gave glory to God. Daily you repented of your sins, read the bible and always tried to be a good father and husband in the manner of Jesus Christ Himself (takes big breath) Is this correct?

PETER smiles awkwardly. SIMON glares at PETER.

PETER: Yeah...

ANGEL: Excellent. It is my most proud honour to inform you that you have been invited into heaven where you will bask in the glory of God and worship Him in complete peace and harmony for ever and ever. If you accept - say "Aye". (He raises his eyebrows and grins.)

PETER: (with a sideways air punch) Aye!

ANGEL: Marvelous... (he ticks something on his clipboard)

PETER beams in his chair. SIMON frowns at him. The ANGEL turns to SIMON. SIMON, still wearing his frown, turns to the ANGEL.

ANGEL: Now then Simon. You were a committed atheist who daily used to poke fun at Peter for being a... I can't read this... a god-bothering little tight-ass...

PETER: Oh Simon...

SIMON: (to PETER) It was a joke! (to the ANGEL) It was a joke. We're friends!

ANGEL: (ignoring him) ... Despite Peter's continuous attempts to warn you about Hell you refused to convert. You continued to torment him for his beliefs. On one occasion Peter spent four weeks constructing a banner for an Christian march with the words "Jesus is coming". You took a jumbo sized permanent marker and wrote in large letters beneath "Don't worry we'll crucify him again" (he lowers his chin and raises his eyebrows)

SIMON: (to PETER) You laughed at that! (to the ANGEL) He laughed. It was funny. Look being funny isn't a sin...

PETER bites his lip nervously. The ANGEL turns again to his notes.

ANGEL: You watched porn, you rarely voted, you ate bad foods, drank to excess and swore in front of your children. Before you were married you engaged in much extra-marital sex, including a threesome with a girlfriend and her Swedish cousin and an orgy whilst under the influence of speed...

PETER: (shocked) When was that?

SIMON: It was Johnny's party - you weren't invited. (To the ANGEL) Look - I know it sounds really bad when you put it all on paper like that but I did good things too! I always pledged money to Comic Relief. There was a homeless guy at the end of our street. I always bought his Big Issue - even though I knew he'd fished it out of the bin...

ANGEL: It says here you used to greet him with the salutation "What's up, you tramp?"

SIMON: That was our little joke! You're taking it all out of context...

ANGEL: Simon it is my misfortune to inform you...

SIMON: No!

ANGEL: ...that after living a godless life...

SIMON: Please!

ANGEL: ...you have no option but to enter the domain of Satan where you will live the life that you chose on earth. That of a godless existence in the fiery pits of Hell. Forever.

SIMON: Peter - do something. Pull some strings!

ANGEL: Peter will you follow me please?

PETER and the ANGEL go to leave the room. SIMON gets down on his knees and holds his hands up.

SIMON: I didn't know! How could I have changed if I didn't know? I repent! I repent now! Please...

PETER: Isn't there something we can do? I can't bear this...

ANGEL: Trust me. Heaven isn't the place for him. It's better this way. (To SIMON) Someone will be along to collect you in a minute, Sir. Have a nice day.

They leave. SIMON's hands drop to his side.
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SCENE 2: SIMON is being escorted into Hell.

FALLEN ANGEL: Right this way, Sir.

SIMON: Look there's been a terrible mistake. I am not an evil person...

FALLEN ANGEL: I really don't give a shit, Sir.

SIMON: But if I could just see someone and explain...

FALLEN ANGEL: The Devil is ready to see you now, Sir.

SIMON: The Dev... THE Devil?

FALLEN ANGEL: Here he is, Sir.

SATAN: Hello Simon!

SIMON: Ahhhhhhhh!

SATAN: Please try and stay calm. Most people experience some degree of panic when they enter here, but its really not necessary. Welcome to Hell.

SIMON: There has been a TERRIBLE mistake...

SATAN: No there hasn't. I've just read your file. You'll fit right in here. I'm very impressed with you.

SIMON: You are?

SATAN: Yes - you're a man after my own heart. A rebel. Someone who sticks two fingers up at authority. (He gives a knowing wink) That's what got me where I am today...

SIMON: Oh yeah, cos you used to be an angel...

SATAN: That's right.

SIMON: ... but you challenged God for his power.

SATAN: In a way. I grew tired of taking orders I didn't agree with. Shall we?

They walk through Hell.

SATAN: Now we've put you in the east wing with the sexual deviants. We think that's where you'll be most at home. We dislike discord so if you find that you really are not getting along with your neighbours we can move you...

SIMON: Oh. You prefer people to get along in Hell?

SATAN: Well of course. Sometimes there's no mediating though. Like Kenneth Williams and Sid James. They just will not kiss and make up. We've had to put them at opposite ends of the place...

SIMON: I must say. I'm surprised - I thought you'd be torturing people.

SATAN: Oh no one will torture you here Simon. Not unless you want them to.

SIMON: This is incredible. I can't take it in - I mean this morning I didn't even believe in Hell. Now I'm here and I think I like it!

SATAN: I'm pleased to hear that. Of course, it's not perfect...

SIMON: But what about God? All the sustaining goodness... I can't remember my Sunday Schooling very well. But isn't there no goodness without God?

SATAN: I don't go in much for that "good" and "evil" mentality. In Heaven you play by God's rules. In Hell you play by mine. Mine are easier. I don't have any. Right well - here is your room. I do hope you will be comfortable. If you have any questions please feel free to ask anyone. I'm sure you will find your way around.

SIMON: Oh... er... thanks!
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SCENE 3: PETER is being escorted into Heaven.

ANGEL: Right this way sir.

PETER: Look there's been a terrible mistake. Simon is not an evil person...

ANGEL: Simon made his choice. It's better this way.

PETER: But if I could just see someone and explain...

ANGEL: God is ready to see you now, Sir.

PETER: G... God?

ANGEL: Here he is, Sir.

GOD: Hello Peter!

PETER: Ahhhhhhhh!

GOD: Peter my son. You have pleased me greatly. Welcome to Heaven.

PETER: (falling to the ground) My Lord...

GOD: In a moment my angel will lead you to your eternal dwelling place which I have prepared for you. But first the schedule. This evening there will be a singing of hymns followed by dancing in celebration of me. Then there will be some traditional prayer praising me for creating this glorious place. Before bedtime there will be a lengthy poetry recital expressing adoration for me. There are other events scheduled for the rest of the week. You will be informed of them as they come up. Do you have anything to say?

PETER: That's brilliant. I am just so happy. And may I say that I love you so much and I loved the earth but I love it here even more because it is perfect and beautiful. And you are perfect and beautiful. And I can't wait to praise you for all eternity.

GOD: You are a good boy. You will enjoy it here. Go to your dwelling now.

PETER: Thank you Almighty Lord. Thank you so much. So much...
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SCENE 4: SIMON is in Hell, PETER is in heaven

SIMON:  I wonder how Peter's doing...
PETER:  I hope Simon is OK...
SIMON and PETER: (together) He would hate it here...

HEAVEN LOUDSPEAKER: John Newton will begin a hymn rehearsal in twenty minutes. Anyone wishing to take part should make their way to the Great Hall now.

HELL LOUDSPEAKER: The Marquis de Sade will begin a strip poker game in twenty minutes. Anyone wishing to take part should make their way to the South Bordello now.

SIMON and PETER both grin excitedly.

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THE END
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