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Shorts
No Man's Land is an Island
By russ11
03 April 2007
Put this in poetry by accident first time around. Not sure if the twist works. Any ideas please. Thanks for reading

NO MAN’S LAND IS AN ISLAND
 

I was sick, the salt water rushing back up from where I wished it had never gone but bringing with it whole chunks of new friends who were never going to make the ‘A’ list - old food, stomach acid, what have you.

 

The sand on my palm was hot, gritty. Tried to wipe it on my shirt but only found skin. I flicked my eyes open long enough to see most of my shirt was gone before crushing them shut against the glare that started out there and ended up pinching the back of my eyes.

 

I remember...dinner and an attractive companion but… I heaved again as fragments of my memory screened briefly before the fear and more seawater washed over me and out of me. There’d been an explosion below decks, a fire, a blaze that absolutely would not stop.

 

I saluted my forehead and my shielded eyes scrunched open. I was on the edge – in several ways – but mostly about 4 feet from the breakers fingering the beach.  Its white sand made an inlet, a comma punctuating the shoreline of a tiny atoll.

 

Further down were some rags and flotsam. The flotsam moved. There were two of us.

Like me, a survivor.

 

My companion grimaced but it might have been a smile. We walked towards each other and then together for a bit. But for a few tatters we were entirely naked. It felt safe, the two of us.

 

“Could have been worse”, I joked, “at least we weren’t flying”. This produced what was definitely a grimace and then some vomiting. Probably the sea water I thought not prepared to acknowledge the quality of my jokes.

 

“My name’s Terry” I volunteered when the noise had died down. I couldn’t hear his name but it sounded like Allan.

 

He folded in on himself, slumping to his knees in front of me. His head pointed away towards the waves foaming russet as the sliding sun immersed itself. Silhouetted there, the darkening grey concealed his pain. Rocking back and forth in agony, his burnt raw and ragged hands were clasped to his head. I felt helpless and guilty.

 

He was muttering, saying his name and something else I couldn’t catch. It was gibberish, caught and blown garbled on the breeze.

 

Then I had it. He hadn’t said “Allan”. What I’d misheard was only part of it. “God help me, god help me” I said as his words droned on, repeated over and over, ebbing and flowing in and out of sense as the burgeoning night wind  held them to itself.

 

He wasn’t Allan at all. I listened to it all.

 

“Allah, accept the death of these infidels as a gift from this loyal servant and give me strength to serve you again, to kill all the infidels

Reviews

Written by Snodlander (507 comments posted) 3rd April 2007
Some punctuation needed. E.g. 'Probably the sea water I thought not prepared to acknowledge the quality of my jokes.' is in need of a couple of commas. 
 
'shut against the glare that started out there'. Not sure where 'out there' was meant to be. 
 
The twist was fine. I didn't see it coming. Not sure he would be praying in English though. It might be better if the narrator couldn't understand, or thought he was praying for rescue, clueing the reader that the other was Arabic and then swap view to 'Allen' and hear the words he was praying. 
 
In fact, the more I think about it, that would add to the horror of it, this innocent westerner unaware that he was sharing the island with someone who was set on killing him.
Yes I Agree..
Written by stevetroster (1600 comments posted) 3rd April 2007
a lot of strange text, if you removed about 50% of the unnecassary (trying to be clever) narrative, you would have a much tighter and stronger story. I obviously have to support the storyline (having written 'Days of Miracles and Wonders', available from all good 'Crime' rooms), but I agree that Snodlander's ending would be far more chilling. I would also like to see a few dead bodies being washed up on the beach, to add to the horror. Something like: 
Flotsam was strewn across the beach; scraps of clothing containing scraps of flesh, bodies and body parts. One of the bodies moved. I was no longer alone. 
 
Best wishes 
Steve 

Written by ellipinnock (1790 comments posted) 3rd April 2007
I also think Snodders ending is better. Certainly the ending needs rewriting - didn't work as is, for me at least. 
 
Other than that not a bad idea - bit dangerous this stereotyping business but it's certainly a hot topic, and topical at that.  
 
Interesting 
 
Elli

Written by anorwegianwood (278 comments posted) 6th April 2007
I didn't see the twist either. I thought the ending was fine, but once I read Snoddy's suggestion, I almost couldn't help but rewrite it in my mind. I think with that simple change, you'd have a very effective piece. 
 
~Claire

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