Chapter 20

“I didn’t realise things had gone this far!” said Mike, after listening to the whole sorry tale.  “What the hell did you think you were doing?”

“Please, Mike!”  He looked at the floor, his voice a whisper.  “Don’t lecture me!  I know what I’ve done – I’ve hurt the very people I should be protecting, people I love!  I need a friend right now – in fact, I need all the friends I can get!”

“I’ll be going now, love!” said Eileen, standing up.  “If you ever need me, you know where I am – day or night!  I’ve always got a spare shoulder!”

“I could be needing it sooner than you think!” he said, giving her a heartfelt hug.  “I can never thank you enough for all you’ve done – you’ve been a true friend, and I don’t know what we would have done without you!”

“Any time!” she said, as she closed the door behind her.

He heard Rosie begin to cry upstairs, and he clenched his fists in silent anger.  He had developed a pounding headache, and her cries seemed to be magnified a hundredfold.

“Oh, please!  Be quiet!” he said, under his breath.  “Just be quiet!”

“I’ll get her if you like!” said Mike, putting his hand on his shoulder.  “You look shattered!”

He did not answer him, but just sat there with his eyes closed.  Mike hesitated for a moment, but there was still no reply forthcoming, so he made his way upstairs.  He came down with a still sleepy little girl in his arms.  As he sat down on the sofa with her, she lay her head on his shoulder, her tiny arms locked around his neck.

“I love you, Mike!” she said, kissing him on the cheek. “I like cuddling you!”

“I love you, too, sweetheart!” said Mike, touched by this simple show of childish affection.

“Rosie!” said Jon, gently touching her cheek.  “You’ve got a baby sister!  Her name’s Clare!”

“See baby!” said Rosie, bouncing up and down on Mike’s knee.  “See baby now, daddy!”

“Not yet!” he said.  “It’s too late now!  Mummy’s tired, and needs to rest, I’ll take you to see her tomorrow!  How’s that?”

“No!” yelled Rosie, smacking his leg.  “See baby now!  Want to go now!”

“That’s enough!” he snapped, pushing her hand away.  “No smacking!  It hurts!  If you do it again, I’ll put you straight back to bed!”

“Don’t like you!” she said, blowing a raspberry at him. “You smell!”

“You’re sailing very close to the wind, young lady!” he said, as he struggled to keep his temper. “I suggest you quit while you’re ahead!  You can complain all you like, but I’m not taking you to see the baby until tomorrow, and if you don’t behave yourself, I won’t take you at all!”

“You horrible!”  She turned her back on him, cuddling up to Mike.  “Want ‘nother daddy!  Don’t want you!”

Mike saw him visibly flinch at her words, his eyes filling with tears.  After what had just happened, her words hurt more than they normally would have done.

“She didn’t mean it, Jon!” he said, putting his hand on his arm.  “She’s only a child!”

“I don’t care whether she meant or not!” he said, staring into space.  “I really couldn’t give a toss any more!”

As he looked into his friend’s pain-filled eyes, Mike knew that nothing could be further from the truth.  He did care, but his stubborn masculine pride would not let him admit it.

“Where’s mummy?” said Rosie, glancing back at him as he wheeled the buggy through the ward.  “See baby!”

“Yes!” he said, trying to hide his feelings in front of her.  “We’re going to see the baby – look, there’s mummy!  Come on, I’ll introduce you to your little sister!”

As they approached the bed, Donna smiled at Rosie, then she looked up at Jon, with an expression on her face that he could not quite fathom.  He lifted Rosie out of her buggy, and she walked slowly over to the crib.  She gently stroked the baby’s face, her bright blue eyes full of love and wonder at this tiny new life.

“My baby!” she said, looking at her parents in turn. “Hold baby, mummy!”

“Not yet, darling!” said Donna, kissing her.  “She’s asleep!  Maybe if she wakes while you’re here, you can hold her!  What do you think of her?”

“Pretty!” said Rosie, looking once again at the baby.  “Love my baby! Love Clare!”

“So do I!” said Donna, pulling her close for a cuddle.  “Very much!”

“Mummy love Rosie?” she said, her eyes filling up.  “Still love Rosie?”

“Oh, sweetheart!” said Donna, fighting back tears.  “Of course I still love you!  Just because we’ve got a new baby doesn’t mean I don’t love you!  I’ve got enough love for both of you!  You equally precious to me, you…..”

She broke off as little Clare stirred – she was waking up.  As she began to whimper, Jon made a move towards the crib to pick her up.   He was stunned when Donna stood up and took her in her arms, glaring at him.

“I’ll get her!” she said, looking at him coldly.  “She needs feeding!”

He sat on the bed next to her, stroking the baby’s face as her little mouth searched for her mother’s milk.

”Leave her alone!” snapped Donna, turning away from him.  “Can’t you see what I’m trying to do?”

“If you want to punish me, Donna..” he said, lowering his voice.  “then I deserve everything I get, but please, don’t do it in front of Rosie!  It’s not fair to upset her!”

“Oh, so you’re playing the caring father, now!” said Donna, cuttingly.  “You cared so much for your second child you were with someone else’s when she was born!”

“I know!” he said, looking at the floor, Donna’s words had cut like a knife  “And I’ll spend the rest of my life regretting it!  I can say I’m sorry until I’m blue in the face, it’s up to you when you decide to believe it!  In the meantime, can I hold my baby?”

“Here!” she said, as he gently took the sleeping child from her arms.  “Hold her!  But make the most of it!”

“What do you mean?” he said, a sudden fear gripping his heart.  “Make the most of it?  What are you trying to say, Donna?”

“Did you really think that because you came to see her today, that I forgive you?”

she replied.  “I meant what I said – it’s over!  When they let me out of here, I’m moving in with mum until I can find somewhere else!”

“You can’t!” he said, feeling his throat tighten.  “What about my children?  Don’t take my children away from me, Donna!  They’re my life!”

“You can come and see them!”

“It’s not the same!” he protested, fighting back tears, as Rosie looked up at him, a look of concern on her little face. “Please, Donna!  I know I’ve done wrong!  I know I’ve hurt you!  I’m begging you – please come home!  I love you!  Deep down, you still love me …… don’t you?”

The ensuing silence was deafening.  He placed little Clare back in her crib, and put Rosie in her buggy.  He looked back at Donna, his eyes silently pleading with her to answer him, but she turned away.

As he sat on the sofa holding Rosie close to his heart, she looked up at him and put her arms around his neck, kissing him gently on the cheek.

“Love you, daddy!” she said.

“Thought you wanted another daddy?” he said, unable to hide the bitterness in his voice, hoping she wouldn’t notice.

“No!” she said, emphatically.  “Want you!”

“How much do you love me, Rosie?” he said, gently stroking her hair.

“Right up to the sky!” she said, cuddling up to him, hugging him tightly.

He held her close, tears stinging his eyes as he felt her soft downy hair brush against his cheek.  She had had a very busy day, and her eyes gradually began to close.  He carried her upstairs, and lay her down to sleep.  He placed her favourite teddy next to her on the pillow, and made his way downstairs.  He could not stand the quietness, so he switched on the radio…..

“I wanna call the stars down from the sky, I wanna live a day that never dies,  I wanna change the world only for you…..”

The song he had sung for Donna on their wedding day!  Unable to bear it any longer, he switched it off.  He curled up, sobbing, in a ball on the sofa, as though he were trying to hide away from the world, as his own world fell apart around him.   In the unbearable silence, the only sound to be heard was the sound of his heart breaking.