let me know what you think of this updated version. I hope i've made it more subtle. The new recruits He walked into the room and everyone felt his power. As always everything happened in slow motion, even the way the fresh face hurled. He nodded towards the fresh face “I feel good, don’t I?” The young boy just sunk further into the couch oblivious to the puke drying on his jeans. He had been with this group for six months, taking away their pain, taking them to euphoria and all he asked for in return was their loyalty and devotion. It had been easy to get into this group, he had just made sure he was around when they downed. He offered to take away their paranoia, slow their palpitations and all he needed was their promise. They had to join his followers, give into his ultimate power, and do his bidding. He liked the power he possessed, it was death if his subjects’ loyalty wasn’t pure or they were greedy. Heroin thought about his family. they were controlled and kept in prison only getting out under supervision, or when he wasn’t around. People went looking for them asking for help to control him, but they were never strong enough. He wondered if this group were loyal yet, heroin decided the next time they wanted to invite him round he wouldn’t be available. He smiled from the shadows as they started looking. They started to hurt. The group sweated, panicked and carried on looking, crying out that they needed him. Why had he forsaken them in their hour of need? |
Written by TomtomKent (33 comments posted) 3rd April 2007 | An interesting piece. Never tried drugs myself, and this makes me want to try them less, which I am hoping was the idea. If so, then kudos, as this drips with atmosphere and pain that does the job admirably.  |
Written by emacskye (23 comments posted) 3rd April 2007 | | Thanks, I’ve never tried heroin myself, but I lived with someone who had addictions of other kinds and I wanted to try and write about what I felt them go through. |
Written by pnc-creative (30 comments posted) 3rd April 2007 | This is excellent - I like how you gave heroin a personality. This would be a fantastic inclusion in some kind of PHSE input at school (for the older kids).
Check out Andrew Fusek Peters website (www.tallpoet.com). He writes a lot poetry for teenagers about drink and drugs. If he can make a living out of it, why can't you? |
Written by Tusk (53 comments posted) 3rd April 2007 | | I needed to reread it but it was good. It's a very clever and new idea. You gave heroin a very sinister personality. Nice work. | not sure
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 3rd April 2007 | Can't make my mind up about this one. I thought it was a nice idea but, for me, would have been more powerful handled in a slightly more subtle manner. I found that the repetition of 'heroin' made it a bit too 'school information film' - preachier than you intended I suspect.
This might work as the introduction to something longer if you were planning on approaching the main body with a different style.
It's a worthy subject although I suspect difficult to tackle effectively without preaching. Good effort though, worth sitting on and reworking probably.
Elli |
Written by Phil (6393 comments posted) 3rd April 2007 | This is going to appear really lazy - but I agree with Elli. A good start, probably needs a little development.
Phil. | Hello..
Written by stevetroster (1399 comments posted) 3rd April 2007 | Me again. If you read some of my work you will see that I like a twist. I like this piece of work for it's novel approach to the subject of drug taking, however, there were a couple of pieces that didn't read too well for me. This being one of them; "Things started to go in slow motion, even the way the fresh face hurled."
As this is Heroin talking you would assume that he would be used to the effects of 'H', and would talk about it in a much more matter of fact way, something like; "Everything moves in slow motion when H is in the room". On the subjest of H, I think that it would work a lot better if you held back on who was doing the talking until the very end, so instead of "Heroin had been with this group for six months, taking away their pain" you go with 'He had been with this group for six months, helping to take away their pain.'
Just my opinion, ignore it if you wish to.
Best wishes as always
Steve. | thanks
Written by emacskye (23 comments posted) 3rd April 2007 | Thanks everyone for you comments, I will give it a look over and see where I can be a bit more subtle, although I think Steve has pointed out the obvious answer. Thanks PSC for your comment, and I will have a look at the tallpoet website.
Elizabeth
| Following revision:
Written by Phil (6393 comments posted) 3rd April 2007 | Reread as requested.
It is a clever idea, but to me it still has that preachy edge. That's not necessarily a crit. It might be what you were aiming for.
For me, the lack of characterisation robs this of any immediacy. (spelling?)
Sorry I can't be more positive. Taste is a funny thing. What doesn't appeal to me may appeal to others. There is no bad writing here, I think it's the style of delivery that doesn't suit me.
Keep posting,
Phil. | Last suggestion
Written by stevetroster (1399 comments posted) 3rd April 2007 | It's looking much better, but try this.
Put his sisters name back in, and then swap the order of the last two paragraphs around.
He wondered if this group were loyal yet(?) (He) decided (that) the next time they wanted to invite him 'round(,) that he wouldn’t be available. He (would just) (smile) from the shadows as they (searched for him) (starting to feel the hunger and the pain) (He would watch the) group sweating, panicking, crying out that they needed him. "Why have you forsaken us in our hour of need?"
He thought about his sister, (.......), they kept her locked away, only letting her out under supervision when he wasn't around to get in the way.
Heroin smiled. Try as they may they would never control him, the kids just weren't strong enough.
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Written by emacskye (23 comments posted) 3rd April 2007 | | thanks guys, will keep this as a work in progress. |
Written by anorwegianwood (278 comments posted) 6th April 2007 | I didn't read earlier versions so I can't compare, but I liked it. It is a little on the preachy side as Phil said, but there's a good reason to be preachy here.
~Claire |
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